Monday, 25 August 2008

Bitter and Twisted

Bonsoir mes rillets merveilleux de jambon!

I dislike Bank Holiday Mondays! In fact, to be a little more precise, I loathe, despise and detest them. If Bank Holiday Mondays' were an entity in their own right, I would make it my life long ambition to render their existence obsolete. Gently gutted, filleted and then slowly, quickly seared over an excruciating high heat, flamed with Louis XIII Brandy, a dash of Lea and Perrins, a few succulent Green Peppercorns and finally lashings of Devonshire Double Cream, reduced to perfection. (Pont Neuf Potatoes and luscious Baby Vegetables on the side).

Why were these holidays invented? Banks don't open enough at the best of times, so why do they need more time to be shut? There is usually only ever one teller at the window while the others sit around comparing their latest St Tropez Tan, Males included! At Christmas when you go to do your banking it smells like the whole office has just bought shares in Lynx toiletries. I will never go banking on a Wednesday where I live as they do not open until 10am due to "Staff Training" and then they are only open till 2pm as it is half-day closing!!! I honestly thought we had left the 19Th Century over 200 years mistake! Now I must go and light my lantern before I continue as the daylight is fading fast and my Internet server has to wind up its generator, so with the lantern I will be able to see even though my screen will dim for a short time. God Bless modern technology......Which reminds me, I must replace the Hamster that powers the printer or I will be completely buggered.

Its not just the Banks that wind me up, its the Shops, Supermarkets, Petrol Stations and my Suppliers that annoy me also. You don't get Gordon Ramsay saying to his many restaurants, " Look Chaps, it's a Bank Holiday on Monday, take the day off and spend time with family, visit your loved ones, have a BBQ with close friends and relatives, but most of all, have great fun ". Of course you bloody don't!

So why do these 'extended weekends' mean so much to us? To the general Public, its an excuse to eat, drink and be merry. So what would you do if, God forbid, the Government took Bank Holidays away? Would you join the thousands upon thousands of minions and, let's be honest, sheep and petition Westminster? Or would you accept your fate and agree that they are a pretty damn stupid excuse to get pissed and cause grief to the Chefs that work their kahonas off in unbearable heat for ludicrous requests like, " Can I have my Tuna Steak pink, or I will send it back!", " Why don't you have Quorn Burgers? Us Vegetarians is what is making this cooking lark profitable! " and, my favourite, " What's Mango Tout when it's at home? Is it some sort of fish 'cause I don't eat fish, it's bad for ya! ".

For information only, the patron that requested her Tuna pink, received exactly that......She sent it back because it was not well done!? The patron that queried the 'Mango Tout' was extremely embarrassed when he was informed that 'Mange Tout' was a vegetable and not an inhabitant of the North Sea. Finally, the 'Quorn Burger Vegetarian' was treated like a Bank Holiday Monday, although I did throw in some celery and shallots to keep Him happy. I do not like to see unhappy customers, but unfortunately for Him, I bloody hate Vegetarians. Sorry!

As for Staff on the holy day that is a Bank Holiday......Well, that is for next weeks post.

So, as I am sure you have noticed, Monday is the new day for posting. My days off have changed, so, therefore, the postings will now be on Monday instead of Sunday. If you usually read the post on Monday then it will not affect you and if you usually read them on Sunday, then you will have to wait. Unless, that is, I post on a Sunday because I am particularly annoyed, in which case this is all completely irrelevant and doesn't matter at all. Confused? Me too.

In the News this week......Quite a few things happened, then not much else. Although, due to current figures, we seem to be eating in more often as Supermarket Sales rose by 3% while the Industry as a whole dropped by 8%. Yet, as stipulated by the Government and Gordon 'My hands move just like Tony Blair's' Brown, there is no Credit Crunch and everything is nice and peachy. Obviously the Prime Minister has moved from 10 Downing Street into Willie Wonkas Chocolate Factory!

So, 'there is no life I know too compare with pure imagination'. Nice one Gordy!

One last thing before I go, the Website is slowly taking shape. I am excited! Just got to get the hang of this 'coding' lark and everything should fall into place. Just like the time Gordon Brown took over as Prime Minister or when Anthony Worrall Thompson (Poisoned Dwarf) thought it would be a good idea to encourage the Public to eat a toxic plant called Hen bane. Apparently getting confused with the herb Weed Hen Fat! The Healthy and Organic Living's website - who published the interview - were forced to publish an urgent warning about the advice saying: "hen bane is a very toxic plant and should never be eaten."

What an Idiot!

On that note my snozberries prospères......

Le Chef (Oompa Loompa) Grincheux

1 comment:

parfitt said...

Great to see your back on song, Grumpychef. Keep up the good work.