Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Downfall Of An Industry

Greetings my culinary Van goghs'. As you can see, the Blog is starting to take shape and a few small changes have been tried and tested for your reading and listening pleasure. I fear I must apologise for the lack of posts recently, what with Mothering Sunday and an unexpected week off it has put me behind my ever-expanding schedule causing a ripple effect. ( It has transpired that there are only 24 hours in a day, which I have come to the conclusion is not enough for a Chef on the brink of exhaustion, manic depression and complete mental collapse.) I'm sure some of you will agree with myself and understand that the chavs of this world search for the mystical concept of pure enlightenment; meaning sitting on your arse being an out-of-work, benefit grabbing scrounger who has spent too much time on games consoles rather than looking for the prospect of a JOB and self fulfilment! My yearning in life is to learn their unique ways and follow in the footsteps of some of the greatest and most infamous chavs, layabouts and skivvers; Mike Skinner, Tracey Emin and Goldie Lookin' Chain of course, this is after I have delved into the current world of idiocy, lunacy and mashup that is cooking!

On that bombshell I give you this months rant. Students! In fact even worse, Catering College Students. Wannabe Ramsay's and Oliver's with no sense of direction, style or purpose. The ever expanding universe that is food has become flooded with jumped up, ignorant oinks taking an industry of purity and finesse, stuffing it with foie gras, wrapping with chorizo and pomegranete seeds, then deep frying it in extortionatley expensive extra virgin olive oil. Serving the resulting over flavoured swamp turd on a bed of grated carrot, celeriac and pilchards, drizzled with a sauce of pressed oysters and sweet basil and finishing with a sprinkle of brickdust!

Why has food become so complicated? Why do Chefs' feel the urge to cram as many flavours as possible into a single, extravagant dish give it a fancy name and sell it at such an exorbitant price so only the Bill Gates and A.A. Gills' of this world will ever taste such a monstrosity? I know not, my fellow Kumquats. The upcoming culinary geniuses these days are ruining the classics which we hold dear to our hearts. People seem to have forgotten the roots and heritage of a dying industry, the traditional and classical dishes from which rudamentary cooking is based upon. Nitro-Scrambled Egg and Bacon Ice cream is not the colourful masterpiece it claims to be, nor is Carpaccio of Cauliflower (Raw) and Chocolate Jelly and you wonder why when you go out to eat you need a second mortgage on your home and have to dip into the trust fund you have set up for your childs' university education?

What has happened to pitch perfect Coq-au-Vin, Stew and Dumplings, Handmade Irish Soda Bread and Rich Arran Cheese? Foods and dishes from all over the British Isles and Europe, recipes being handed down from generation to generation, the pursuit of acquiring the most natural produce to create a classic and not something that looks like it should be hung in the The Tate Modern. All this airy-fairy nonsense is killing what was once a lucrative and exciting industry. Not only is this new age food causing us problems as consumers, the government, economic climate and rising prices of essential produce are contributing more so than you think.

Soon you won't be able to eat out unless the restaurant has checked your bank balance and off-shore accounts for accessible funds. It will cost a small fortune to drive anywhere or get a cab so I now urge you to think about your actions when you pick up the telephone and ring your favourite restaurant to book your usual table on Sunday for your family. I implore you to STOP, THINK and CHANGE YOUR MIND! Try this suggestion instead, cook for yourselves. Make it a family affair, have fun creating something that the whole family will enjoy. Stop these kitchen oddities from becoming reality by relishing in spending time with your family at home, it really is enlightening and if you dont get on with your family......go to McDonalds (Its cheaper).

On that explosive, monumental comment that will most likley see me out of work within the next few days I would like to bid you farewell. Although, before I go back to the white-tiled walls of my hot, sweaty prison I would like to unveil the start of a new project for all you culinary types. A new web page has appeared on the world wide web which I thought would be of interest to some and the mind-numbing death of others. "The Chefs' Prayer - A Tranquil Haven For Culinary Outcasts" will be online, hopefully in the very near future, with a collection of recipes, catering news and monthly produce reports. I have placed a Link for your convenience under the heading "Links" on the sidebar of this page.

Adeiu my little Loganberries, Bon Nuit!


Sue said...

Liked this one Grumpychef as it really does relate to the 'average guy' - not sure they will take up kitchen utensils and join wife in kitchen but nice try!!!

I dont often eat out so when I do I really do enjoy it but as you say it is very expensive and with some concentration could perhaps have rustled up something similar myself - althoug not too sure about that one as I am a very basic cook.

My son is a chef! and I must say that over the many years that he has been performing in kitchens to create food for 'couples, families, businessmen etc I believe he has only perhaps on 3 or 4 occasions cooked for me!! I have been on the receiving end of testing new dishes and I think he would say that he really wouldnt want to be cooking once he had left a hot and sweaty kitchen which had been his domain for 10 hrs or more...

Like it.....keep it going


Izzy said...

Hiya Grumpy Chef! I think your fab and I love listening to Swedish chef as I can't read yet! Love Izzy Xx.

Anonymous said...

Bon Soir Grumpy Chef! Congratulations on another insight into all things culinary.I enjoy your articulate turn of phrase and just hope that the industry gets better for you! Keep up the good work. Xx.

sweated onion said...

If you could get a script (recipe) this could make a good film. Suggested title 'Grumpies Kitchen Nightmares'

The Grumpy Chef Groupies said...

Watch ya Grumpy Chef! We think ur gr8 and bet ur cute 2! Xx.

Anonymous said...

I feel that you should not be a chef but a writer!!! Another amazing instalment grumpy chef ( not actually that grumpy) lol