Friday, 22 February 2008

The Chefs' Prayer

Salutations to you all. The Grumpy Chef has returned for more waxing lyrical on the adventures of the everyday Chef in a world full of idiots, morons and halfwits alike.

The cretins of Summers' past are beginning to rear their ugly heads again as temperatures are starting to rise once more and the Sun is holding his head higher, for longer, as the days go on.

Spring is appearing on the horizon, my eager aubergines, teenagers, families and the over 60's are stirring beneath their hibernation cocoons, their noses twitching, slowly and purposefully sniffing the air for the beginning of the saving season. Life for them has, once again, got a purpose. "2 for 1", All Mains Half Price", and All Starters 99p" will soon be creeping on to billboards, appearing in local newspapers and radiating through your car radios, subconsciously permeating your brain with the prospect of something wonderful for very little of your hard earned coinage.

It will soon be the season of " THE DEAL ". This time of year scares me. I think it scares alot of gourmets, having to invent wondrous dishes from left over items that were frozen at Christmas. Produce that was sent by mistake from over eager suppliers or sub-level pickers within the Argos style warehouses will need to be defrosted, checked for freezer burn and used at a very rapid rate before environmental health can get wind of the impending danger to the unsuspecting public and their quest for the ultimate high......Extreme Eating!

We all know never to eat fresh fish and crustaceans until Tuesday for two reasons, the produce bought by the chef on the Friday is now going to be 3 days old at the least ( and he will be wanting to get rid of it ), and on Monday, the Sellers will be getting shot of the produce that didn't sell at the weekend. ( If you didn't know this, and you like fish, I'm surprised your still alive and breathing ! ).

So why, when we see "All-U-Can-Eat", "BOGOF" or "Salmonella with a side of Botulism" in the newspapers, outside restaurants or on the radio, do we jump right in with both feet and call everyone we know to inform them of this stupendous offer? Is it to make sure that the NHS has something to do this weekend during their quieter periods? Is it because we are scrimping and saving for that " Once in a Lifetime " holiday to see the currently warring Nations outside of Europe? ( Kevlar jacket and helmet extra, bus tours available when booking with your travel agent only ). Is it because we like the thrill of feeling we have just got something for nothing? ( Well you could quite possibly get something for nothing, firing from both ends at full tilt! )

Unfortunately, I have no answer for this. Perhaps its in our genetic make-up. Maybe someone will come up with the answer while reading Heat magazine in their hospital bed, with a pan under their arse and one over their head. On that most charming and graphic note, I will leave you with this ditty I found sometime ago. This is for all my fellow Chefs' who have searched for a calming, serene way of starting their services, day or night. A certain shanty of the highest order, a psalm of tranquility, an anthem of light hearted forgiveness before the onslaught of the penny pincher's and the dance of the morons begins. I give you......

The Chefs' Prayer

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the arse I might have to kiss tomorrow
Help me to give 100% at work,
5% on Monday
8% on Tuesday
12% on Wednesday
15% on Thursday
25% on Friday
35% on Saturday
25% on Sunday

And help me to remember, when I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown,
But only 4 to extend my middle finger and to tell them to shove it!

I would like to thank Swedish Chef Dave of Costa Rica for this wonderful piece of work. A genius in the making, but then again, aren't we all?

Adieu my fellow Foodies, Cookies and Microwave Technicians. Until the next time, take care of yourself.....and screw everyone else!


Anonymous said...

love your poem - could apply to me

Anonymous said...

very interesting. Look forward tyo the next instalement.

Anonymous said...

all chefs are grumpy

Anonymous said...


flamingtoque said...

great blog, grumpychef. absolutely fantastic

condor said...

looking good

Anonymous said...

Love your outlook GRUMPY CHEF, keep it coming, like the bit about over eager suppliers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Very Very True!!