Thursday, 12 February 2009

Cry Me A Gravy River

Bonsoir mes fruits savoureux de la forêt!

First and foremost, I would like to thank all sympathisers and well wishers on my recent predicament. Your words of support are a tower of strength at present although that don't pay my bills and the Wife wants a new dining table with matching chairs.

For anyone that is interested, I am now currently employed full time again after 1 month of relaxation and family time followed by another 2 months of transient chef work around the country. Redundancy is an amazing leveller in our society.

Eventually I had to face the inevitable and 'sign on' at the local Department of Social Security which was certainly not a bundle of laughs I can tell you. Those of you that have been in similar predicaments will appreciate where I am coming from and those of you still claiming benefit must be lazy good-for-nothing graduates, sucking the country dry while pissing around trying to find work in astro-physics or micro-biology. Bet you are wondering why you went for that subject aren't you? Degree a waste of time? Can't find work? Well, I am always on the lookout for a Kitchen Porter and I hear McDonald's put a great deal into their Trainee Manager positions.

This week, I will be discussing many items, not necessarily in any particular order but at least you can keep guessing what will be coming up and if I miss anything out, it will give you something to look forward to in my next post.

First......a definition;

gra⋅vy   [grey-vee]
–noun, plural -vies.

The fat and juices that drip from cooking meat, often thickened, seasoned, flavored, etc., and used as a sauce for meat, potatoes, rice, etc.

Let's begin. Okay, I love gravy as much as the next person but why-o-why do people insist on having an extra jug to completely smother there lovingly cooked meal? It completely drowns any flavour that was once there before and renders your dinner into a mass of glutenous brown stodge. What's more, you expect it for FREE!!! Do I go into a Bakers and ask for extra yeast in my Bloomer loaf? Do I venture into a sandwich bar, order a plain baguette, then ask if they wouldn't mind just lobbing in some Chicken, Sweetcorn and Mayo at no extra cost? Do I saunter into my nearest B&Q and purchase a brand new bathroom suite then expect them to throw in a couple of Lazee-Boy Armchairs just because I believe I am entitled to them?

The answer to the above questions is NO! I don't expect something for nothing. If I want something extra, I expect to have to pay for it. I'm not that impertinent. Not only does the ingredients cost money but someone has to make it and then there is gas and/or electric to consider, rent, waste disposal, council tax.....the list is endless.

Running a Catering Establishment costs money. It should not be a career or opportunity that you enter into lightly. Every customer is out to screw you in some shape or form. They will never appreciate the extravagance of overheads and refrigerator repair. This concept is beyond your average everyday punter. They couldn't care less if you have a gas leak or the roof is caving in. It's like "F**k You. Feed me and if its to damned expensive, I'm gonna sit in your restaurant and bitch and moan and complain at the top of my lungs in front of your customers until I get the reduction on my bill I 'BELIEVE' I am owed. Do you hear me? I pay your f*****g wages. NOW GET ME MY F*****G EXTRA GRAVY!"

Just for once, I would love to be able to retaliate at these cretins. I would love to explain in a calm and mild-mannered way that they may have extra gravy but it will cost a set amount as is dictated by my calculations which has to incorporate my costs, the business's cost and a small profit margin. I would make my speech clear and concise, with no room for mis-interpretation while pummeling said customers' head with a soup ladle. I'm sure that would work but I'm not allowed to do things like that anymore. The general public restraining order forbids me to leave my Kitchen through any door except the back where I am ushered to my waiting car by two very sturdy gentlemen in full body armor. As it is a long story I won't trouble you with details but the incident included a Carving Fork, 2 Smoked Kippers, a piece of al dente Linguine, a teaspoon and a copy of the Financial Times stuffed with Pizza Dough and covered in White Belgian Chocolate. Good times I tell you, good times!

Anyway, allow me to enlighten you. The Chef knows how much gravy or sauce or dressing you need! That is why he/she is the Chef. He/She has spent there entire working life learning how to cook, dress, plate, season and serve a culmination of items that reach you at the peak of perfection. Don't fuss with it just leave it alone. EAT! That is the only reason you are sitting in the restaurant. To eat and drink. Enjoy!

This weeks news is all really, really dire and depressing. Closures, insolvency and swine flu litter the papers and websites so instead, I thought I could have just make some up. Then I realised that there is a good chance I may get sued and I really cannot afford that. Not even if I use the word 'allegedly' over and over again. So no news this week I'm afraid.

Until next time my my little petit pois.

Le Chef Grincheux

4 comments:

SheR. said...

Good to see you back Chef!
Bet you can have a all-pork menu for this special occasion. Oops. Yeah you might get sued for discrimination! :P

Take care and bonne chance!

TheGrumpyChef said...

Thanks SheR. Its good to be back. All the best.

parfitt said...

At last. Good to hear your back in the saddle.

Sue said...

Hi Chef

It is good to see you back in the driving seat and full of your 'charming' ways. I love it. Well done and I really look forward to reading more.

love ya
Sue x