Sunday, 3 August 2008


Bonsoir ma crevette délicieusement sensible de Devilled!

It has been far to long my little cupcakes. I must, once again, thank you all for your patience. My working Summer has begun and it is filled with all the miscreants, chavs, scallys and neds that seem to roam this beautifully globally-warmed and gently basted world we call Home. It is also, with great regret, that they too call this world their Home and that is a general shame for most inhabitants struggling to survive on this wonderful planet.

So this first message goes out to all the trailer-trashing, nedified, scally-blooded, woolyhat wearing, trackies-tucked-into-socks, baseball capped, hoodie morons......For the love of God......Please do not ever step foot outside of your homes again. For pity's sake. The off-licence is cheaper and a burger from he local Kebab shop will cost less than the one you are trying to share between three of you. The small china dishes you have received with your accompaniments are not bloody ashtrays......neither are the glasses you just finished your last WKD Blue from. Nor, my dear ruffians, are you to relieve yourself on anyone elses car, except your own. Nor do you turn to the Chef and shout, from the other end of the bar, "Oi, Fella. Can you put gravy and cheese on me chips, mate? You know, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink? Forget the salad and how about a couple of rashers of bacon mate?"

My reply was quite simple. It was courteous, well thought, polite and yet to the point so that an imbecile could comprehend. "F*** O** t* M*******s, you miss informed rapscallion! These are local burgers for local people! Away with you, your girlfriend, your six children, father-in-law, uncle, auntie, aunties' second-cousin, the bloke you met up with earlier in town today, and your three bull terriers!"

As I sit here nursing a black eye, dislocated pinkie and a collection of slight injuries, I believe my answer should have been, "Of course Madam, would you also like some Foie Gras collops and hand-shredded Gold Leaf with your Cheese and Bacon Burger? Maybe some Black Truffle Mayonnaise and HP Brown sauce would enhance your experience of Culinary perfection? Maybe even a robust Pernod and Blackcurrant sauce which could render you unconscious would ease your ever increasing urge for blood?"

The misconception that these types of people only come out at night is a fallacy! They are now everywhere. Usually milling around pubs with large beer gardens or Wilkinsons, loitering with intent on upsetting some random individual who just wanted a quiet day off, getting their messages for the week.

If you hadn't guessed already, my restaurant is full of them! Uneducated requests for extra gravy for a Steak and Ale Pie, only to have it sent back because they assumed that it had none. It cannot be made without Gravy! Only Chip Shops have to add the said sauce and they charge as well! There are TV programs and websites that will educate you on these things. Use them!

I try and I try. I try to educate the minions of this green and pleasant land and it seems to fall by the wayside. What can I do? At the current moment, the United States seems to be leading in this Industry......where is the honour in that?

When you look at it, it is the French that created the way we eat. The style, the order, the way we consume. You cannot deny them that accolade. It is written in Culinary History. We are taught it in Colleges, Schools and on-the-job training. I just wish someone would denounce this molecular gastronomy, stand-up for what is right and coax the general public back to the classics! The way we should eat......with our hearts and minds.

And, in the words of Jeremy Clarkson, its time for the News;

Dominoes Pizza Company will be enhancing your experience at their restaurants by enticing you with an open Pizza Theatre! A glass panel will be Incorporated to their restaurants so you can view your pizzas being made. It is their commitment to the fact that all their products feature fresh ingredients......I completely agree, I love to see a Chef, sweat dripping from his brow, onto my plate, before it served by a jumped up student who insists I give him a tip for carrying a plate and referring to me as "Pal"!

Also, within the foreseeable future, your children will be assessed on how obese they are at school. The new Government Legislation will chart the progression of a child's weight so as to inform the parents if the child is gaining a few pounds. There are too many routes I could take with this idiocy, so I will leave you to your own, fine judgement.

And again, in the immortal words of the Clarkson, "On that bombshell", it is time for me to bid you goodbye.

Au revoir mon poulpe légèrement chevronné de bébé. Until next time......

Le Chef Grincheux. xx

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