Saturday, 2 February 2008

You Think You Got What It Takes?

You need to have a sense of taste and smell to be a chef......an ego the size of your average watermelon ( American industry standard that is, as your average British watermelon is the size of Texan grapefruit, partially due to the lack of potentially harmful genetic chemicals we have stopped using since they badly maimed a gnat in 1988 and caused the extinction of a whole generation of ameboas in 2002)......and finally, you need to be able to SHOUT!

Not just any shouting, but real, graphic (usually sexual in content and aimed at another chef......possibly commenting on his sexual preferences or ability to shove large vegetables into numerous orifices or the fact he is so far deep in the shit because of his lack of preparation it will take a miracle to get himself out of it). Of course, this has to be heard not only by your kitchen staff and front of house morons, but also by all paying customers on the premises.

Do you really think you need all the above to succeed as a future Heston Blumenthal or Raymond Blanc? The answer is no! So really the sense of smell, aquired tastes of fine foods, the ego and quite almost everything (even the shouting) is all a load of bollocks? Yes, because for the average, everyday, mediocre chef (like myself) it can all be learnt, taught, read or even bought. It helps if you want to be a chef as, believe me, you will find that it takes over your whole exsistence as you strive to get better, work longer hours and push yourself harder to learn more as it consumes your whole life.

And this is just the beginning......

8 comments:

welbeck said...

Hey, grumpychef, time you added some more !!

the rep said...

What a miserable get you are GRUMPY CHEF, and as for your taste in music, CLIFF RICHARD!!!!!!!!! What is that all about???? (mistletoe & wine was far better). Cant wait for your next whinge (sorry, i mean blog), Keep up the good work.

parfitt said...

Well thats all very good, but who the hell is this guy CARAME?. I mean what sort of celebrity was he? Did he have his own tv show, books or what?

Sue said...

Brilliantly written and very funny - cant wait for the next explicit piece!

TheGrumpyChef said...

parfitt, I hope this new addition to my blog answers your question. To be truthful though, a simple google search would have yielded the same results. Do not feel down-hearted or even humbled due to the absence of your ability to use the most straightforward and incomplex of search engines, most older technophobes need spoon fed now and again.

Anonymous said...

terrific blog. humourus and informative. keep up the good work

parfitt said...

Seems a bit soon grumpychef to start insulting your fan-base. However,thanks for adding the link to Careme - wikid.

TheGrumpyChef said...

parfitt, good to see you have returned. I think insulting is a bit strong, more mild sarcasm with a jovial undertone. My apologies if it has caused you any upset or distress. As for a fan base, well that is kind of you to say so. Glad you liked the Careme link. I will be adding more as the months go on, so keep checking back.