The Grumpy Chef

Guest Chef Blogger - Evadeth Fech

2011-12-23T00:28:00.002Z

Même mes légumes scrumptious et exquis de bébé !

Its almost been a year since my last posting...Bad Form Chef! Never mind! You have all seemed to manage without me quite well and that's a good thing.

At the current moment, writing has taken a back seat and the kitchen is forefront, especially at this time of year, yet I recently asked a fellow Chef within the Culinary Brethren if he would mind me posting an email he sent me...kind of a guest blog thing...He agreed, much to my delight!

So without further bollocks from me, until my usual round-up at the end, I have great pleasure to introduce my first guest Chef blogger....

Chef Evadeth Fech and his title piece, 'Can You Pass The Vaseline?'

For those who don't work in the industry there are several references in this song which I will endeavour to explain. I will also need to set the scene for full comprehension and understanding of the lyrics....

The day was black Friday...the busiest day of the chefs calender year

The scene was a busy city centre restaurant experiencing a good old fashioned roasting ( fisting or arse raping as we call it in the trade, which should explain the references to vaseline)

The composers were several chefs working the line fuelled on far too many cans of a certain well known red canned cola drink, doughnuts, sugared jelly sweets and a continual loop of traditional Christmas songs!

The catalysts were customers, who throughout the festive period, had constantly picked apart the carefully prepared festive menu and decided that their own menu based on their intolerances, preferences and their 'superior culinary knowledge' would be better suited. So, on the busiest day of the year (at one point we had 52 people waiting to order known as "52 open") the kitchen was receiving orders (checks) for dishes and side orders that were not only unavailable on the festive menu but some were not even on the regular a la carte menu and would need preparing on the spot! (Sauteed new potatoes carrots and parsnips and fries being the pick of the bunch!) Which to a lesser team may have put them in the weeds! However....

When this tune came on, the caffeine and sugar fuelled chefs penned the unforgettable chorus, quickly got on with the task in hand and the rest fell into place quickly after. If this Christmas ditty serves nothing else but to raise a smile amongst my fellow chefs then It will have served its original purpose.

This is not the original version as certain lines were more specific to this particular establishment and would not have made sense to Joe public.. I hope you enjoy it..

To the tune of 'Stop the Cavalry' by Jona Lewie

Hey Mr Public, please stop the orders,
We can't really take it anymore,

Hey Mr customer, your checks hurt our arses,
Our ring pieces are mighty sore!

Oh I say its tough,
We have had enough!
Can you pass the vaseline

Christmas and a la carte, really ain't so bad,
But your 'special' dishes make us sad,
Plus your criticism, makes us all sad,
And where the f***s this vaseline?!

Sauteed potatoes? Make them quick!
Your dietary requirements make us sick!
Stick to the menu there's plenty to pick!
I'm all out of vaseline!

We are getting bum-bummed
We are getting bummed
Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed

We are getting bum-bummed
We are getting bummed
Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed!

Wish you'd stayed at home,
This Christmas

(M-y ar-se hurts, m-y ar-se hurts
My arse hurts m-y ar-se hurts)

Hey Mr Customer, please stop these orders,
We can't really take it anymore,
'Fifty two open' but you don't really care
"Just make sure my steak is medium rare!"
"Carrots and parsnips and fries for us to share"
Who's used all the vaseline?

We are getting bum-bummed,
We are getting bummed,

Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed

We are getting bum-bummed

We are getting bummed

Bum b bum bum bum b bum,
We are getting bummed

Sauteed potatoes? Make them quick!
Your 'dietary intolerances' make US sick!
Stick to the menu awkward prick!
Someone buy some vaseline!!!

Wish you'd stayed at home for Christmas

(M-y ar-se hurts m-y ar-se hurts,
My arse hurts m-y ar--r-r-se hurts)

Written by Chef Evadeth Fech and the Chargrill Warblers

Copyright 2011-2012

Right you lot...I'm back for my round-up as always and can't stop laughing! Anyone reading this will now hear the original in the car, on the radio at work or sitting round the dinner table with your friends and family and all you will be able to think of is singing the chorus at full vocal volume...just for shits and giggles!

Bloody amazing Chef Evadeth Fech and thank you for being my first Guest Chef Blogger! Wishing You and your Team all the best and good vibes on Sunday!

So, now for the news....

Yeah, I'm a Chef! This time of year I couldn't give a proverbial if 'Mockney' has created a new piece of plastic that crushes bones to create a marrow powder or if 'Ramsay' has moved on from botox to using the latest Heston creation as a face cream! It's sodding Xmas and I can't be arsed...I'm too busy dealing with the general public and their inane requests! News will return in the new year!

A couple of things to look out for though...

New to the 'Beyond The Hotplate' section is Student Cooking whom I recently wrote a Guest Blog for and by clicking this LINK will send you straight there to visit them! A great site to peruse and these guys and girls should be commended for their ingenuity and dedication to getting the new generation to cook...especially on such a low budget! Well done studentcooking.tv !

Secondly is Lee Cooper Photography in the 'Beyond The Kitchen' section! An amazing photographer and Chef with food on his mind 99% of the day (the other 1% is when he is sleeping!) Go check out his site by following the link!

Thirdly...a new Chef Profile is due...Eyes open and RSS feed on full alert for the one and only Ops Head Chef Dave J Critchley from The Noble House!

So on that note its time for me to go...

Until then have a great Xmas and New Year and to all Chefs in the UK and across the Globe...stay strong, stay true...and if that fails...tell them to DO ONE!

Au revoir mes amis!

Le Chef Grincheux

Ban The Brands!

2011-01-10T00:18:00.000Z

Bonsoir mes morceaux moites de monkfish...Joyeux Noël et nouvelle année heureuse !

What a way to start a new year! The untimely passing of British actor Pete Postlethwaite, musical genius Gerry Rafferty and one of our Brethren, Ainsley the Big Yin!

No readers that’s not Mr Ainsley 'rattle yer pots and pans' Harriot before you get excited (although it would have been a better choice by the Grim Reaper) but a member of the Culinary Fraternity from Ayrshire in Scotland.

Big Yin was an old school Chef! True to his culinary roots with a wicked sense of humour and a true taste for life, family and food. He will be sorely missed by all that knew him, past and present, and will live on in our hearts, memories and stories. Our thoughts go out to his Family and Friends at this difficult time.

May the Culinary Angels lead you to that great Kitchen in the skies Chef....C.C.I.P (Cook & Create in Peace)

And so to the long awaited new post from the Grumpy Chef...

A change in direction recently has postponed my 'jovial' postings yet it has moved me to write again and force feed the inner workings of my grumpy persona...aren't you the lucky ones!

My current position is Head Chef with a 'branded restaurant chain' which for legal reasons I cannot name, nor would I dare to, for fear of death by pizza dough!

My career turned upside down with the knowledge I cannot cook my way. A true chef nightmare. Being told how to cook...God forbid! Yet this is where I find myself, trapped in a world of youngsters, pizza ovens, foreigners and temperamental Italian development Chefs who, for their sins, actually understand the fundamentals of classic cuisine but are bound by the constrains of the our FSA (Food Standards Agency) and Company procedures and policies.

I entered my current position with eyes open, hoping to make a difference, but was blocked at every turn by the Company and their archaic outlook on quality, cuisine and safety. I thought the FSA was bad! These 'people' make them look like choirboys and even the mention of the word 'audit' sends shivers down the spines of every General Manager (average age being 26) within the Company and sends them into a 3 month long panic.

Never in my years as a Chef have I seen such a ill-informed regimented kitchen or lack of respect for creativeness. Its mind boggling, truly it is!

What is worse, to me, is that the age of these 'cooks' is laughable and they are brainwashed to company standard and use employment law like their bible...its a fucking disgrace!

Every Chef and member of the true Culinary Brethren knows the unwritten rules...we all do! Yet these 'people' use employment law and legislation to benefit themselves.

“Why is that a problem Chef”, I hear you cry...quite simple, they only use it to benefit themselves...and that, my al dente pommes de terre, is not only uncalled for but against the Culinary Oath and our 'Rules'! They have no concept of this regardless of my efforts to instil the rules of the true kitchen into them.

I would give you a fore instance but there are way too many I would want to divulge. Instead I will relinquish one quick story...

A young 'cook' came to me the other day requesting a pay rise and a new job title. He wanted to be Junior Sous Chef. I asked how long he had been with the company...9 months...okay, and where were you before that...I was a bartender...Hmm, okay, how does NO sound?

Nine months...NINE FUCKING MONTHS???

I have had Chefs work for over 7 years to even be good enough to rise to that level and not only be good enough but earn the respect of other Chefs to be even considered for that position and because you are in a branded chain, that ain’t worth shit in the Culinary Industry, you want all that after nine months...DO ONE!

Sod the procedures and policies...In my honest opinion, no one has the right to even call themselves a Chef unless they have been wrung through the mangle clockwise, passed back through anticlockwise and then pressed with a fire iron to create the sharpest crease known to man (or woman for all the feminists out there).

I have discussed my recent move and torment with colleagues, hoping I was wrong in my observations...I wasn't! Not only did they agree with me but became rather irate and infuriated that these cooks (and the company) had the audacity to even use the term 'Chef' in all documents, contracts and conversations.

Thank you Brethren! Its obviously not just me!

The crowning 'turd in the water pipe' is that people actually come to these food factories to eat! They cant get enough of them...is it the deals? The vouchers? The area discount cards? Of course it bloody is! Even worse is the clientèle are middle/upper class...they could afford something better...a greater culinary experience, yet they choose these places because of the deals! I am astounded and confused at this!

We all enjoy food...its a necessity. So why not try your local, independent or managed public house or restaurant? They need the support. They need the business! Not these manufactured, self indulgent, arrogant and obnoxious food factories where you are just another face. A meal ticket to profit and bottom line! A plastic customer who constantly persists for seasoning and parmesan before tasting the dish...You are better than that! We, as Chefs, are better than that! Trust Us...we know what we are talking about and our only aim is to give you a fantastic culinary experience that you will enjoy and savour! That's why we train for so long dealing with copious amounts of crap from our peers to be the best we can be!

Needless to say I am now looking for my path back to my Culinary roots and to excite customers again with properly made, freshly produced, locally sourced cuisine...created by the Chefs of times gone, constantly looking to improve and perfect each dish....striving to create something new, something fun or something exquisite.

Long Live the Old School...Long Live the 'True Chef'!

So on that note, the News...

Okay...He was back again in the papers last week after a sabbatical...Chef Ramsay has been to the local hair transplant facility and had work done...but was it really only his hair? Click the link and decide for yourselves...

Punch have been brought up on Fire Regulation breaches at one of their London Pubs...about time they got their asses felt (and not in a good way), even if it was a small one...

Okay, a new addition to the blog...a new and fresh section for other sites not related to the Catering Industry but well worth a visit...

First up is Le Garcon de Glasgow! The site objective is to feature the most creative and interesting individuals in Glasgow and has proven massive in the UK and across the water so for all those fashion mongers and trend setters, get clicking over to Le Garcon de Glasgow and see what style is all about!

Second on my non-culinary site list is something true to my heart...after being there from the beginning, this site is moving fast and gaining notoriety as a promotional and networking tool
for your private, personal and professional life online...Please click the link and get your account sorted as this site is going to be the forefront of our lives...I give you Waynesworld! For those wanting a sneak preview of my account then click the link...

Jaillissent mes warthogs bien arrondis merveilleux. Je dois loin et vous offrir bonne nuit…

Je suis de retour!

Le Chef Grincheux

Cook Like A Kid (As Published in ONE Magazine)

2010-09-07T19:30:00.000+01:00

Good god...being a chef can be boring at times... It’s not the hours or the getting changed 8 times a day or even the laborious meetings with officious officials from the FSA. (Damn killjoys banned unpasteurised foodstuffs and are proceeding to bring down the culinary elite by forcing us to microwave and to cook things “well done” the bastards...).
It’s the customers. Please don’t misunderstand me: without you, no business will ever survive — disintegrating like napkins shoved into a half-filled glass of Pinot Grigio or collapse like a badly executed soufflé au chocolat.

Let’s try a little experiment. Please be calm and relaxed, and fucking pay attention to what I’m writing or else I’m bringing back the salmon:
I would like you to regress back to a time you rememeber, as a child or teenager or young adult. Think clearly, be as precise as possible ... think about a moment in your culinary history where you tasted a food for the first time. We have three levels of this experience when it comes to our taste buds, let’s explore...
The first thing you’re likely to remember is texture, that’s number one. Then comes the explosive flavours of your chosen food, and finally the third, after-taste — how the first two culminated in your mouth and then left it with many feelings and emotions — a final thought, a single solitary word or expression.

At that moment, you became liberated and your taste buds had been released from a shell of conformity and constraint. From my experience, these feelings or emotions are lost nowadays on the general public. We conform to the everyday, and the mundane. We watch “Celebrity” Chefs and their predilection for the over-complicated and bizarre. We may even strive to recreate and copy their artistic endeavours, yet we can, and usually will, fall short. It’s time to return to basics.

My journey into cooking began when I was three years old. There I was, peeling the devils’ excrement in my grandmothers kitchen: Brussels Sprouts. I hated that vegetable, I still do. Yet there is something that warms me about that task. Even tasting them, despite my gag reflex. Stripping the root, gently peeling the earthen leaves and finally beholding it’s fine colouring and glistening surface. Whoever decided to make them smell like the white, sweat-soaked sports socks of a hundred-metre hurdle winner beggars belief. Yet, now doing what I do, I bung in some chestnuts, a hint of white wine, some nutmeg, and even I will scoff the lot.

The love of food starts when we are very young. Nowadays, we begin with mass-produced organic baby food, mashed up and enhanced in glass jars with bright colours and funny looking mammals on the labels. We need something to inspire the younger generation to eat sweet potatos and beef cooked in red wine sauces.
In honour of the recently passed restauranteur and highly respected food critic Egon Ronay, why don’t we start our 21st century children with what we actually had as kids — earthworms, and fur from the next-door neighbours dog. This is how we began our culinary journey, by eating things we shouldn’t. We learned for ourselves, until we were force-fed broad beans, broccoli and rice pudding.

But our journey doesn’t stop there. We move on. Our tastes evolve through our teenage years of kebabs, takeaway pizzas, koftes, and cheesey chips smothered in gravy after a night on the lash with friends and colleagues. My personal favourite was a kebab house in Troon, Ayrshire; donor meat dressed with lashings of a triple mix of cheddars, chips finished with bisto gravy and a drizzle of extra hot chilli sauce. Yeah, it was down right disgusting but the flavours exuded strength and robustness, the smell permeated into my clothing as I munched down happily and content with a drunken sense of exquisite euphoria. Yet at work with my chef’s hat on, I would prepare a delectable dish of filet mignon avec sauce béarnaise, pommes chateau et legumes and have the same experience, flavours and textures would produce similar feelings and emotions.

Too bad, that in recent years many of us have become accustomed to the run of the mill, every day foods. Lasagne, gammon and chips with English mustard and garden peas, well done topside of beef, horseradish and Yorkshire pudding. Well I haven’t! I experiment everyday. My colleagues do the same. We experiment and work on new ways to create flavours and textures in an endless search for our way back to the time in our childhood that we discovered food. We are Chefs afterall, nothing will ever take that away from us. We were destined to do what we do and our quest is to demonstrate to the general public that food is fun and should be experimental.

But best of all, it’s there, inside each and every one that cooks — be it a steak and ale pie or a lobster thermidor, those culinary experiences are there to be had, treasured and shared. I beg of you dear readers, remember to experiment, liberate your taste buds and let them run free, for too many of us bow down to the status quo.

And on that note I will leave you with this thought. I am now off to warm the kettle and wolf down a sweet and spicy pot noodle — why? Because it warms me with its flavours, texture and above all its history! Club de Mar, 24 hour Spar and a pack of Empire biscuits for breakfast. God Bless Nostalgia and God bless our enlivened taste buds.

From The Extravagant To The Priceless

2010-08-10T00:34:00.000+01:00

Bonsoir mes croquettes chinoises exubérantes...

Okay, we are gonna take a look at some of the most extravagent and exaggerated food from around the globe! Lets see if your calorific content calculator adds up these morsels before warping its electronic brain!

We got out to eat...one because we have to and two, because we crave indulgence! We do! Fact of life. We eat to survive but we also eat to stimulate the senses and soak up exuberance!

First lets start with the 15lb Burger written about by my fellow writer, Katharine Shilcutt of 'she eats' fame, in the Houston Press. What a mouthful that is! Everything a respectful fast food junkie could want!

This is the biggest, commercial pizza you can currently buy. Rounding off at 52 inches, it is made at Mama Maria's Authentic Italian Restaurant based in Bacolod City, Philippines. Go join their Facebook group and support this ever expanding Pizza Franchise.

Now for the most expensive Ice cream Sundae on the planet...The Grand Opulence Sundae is made at Serendipity 3 in New York. This wonderful extravagant dessert looks as good as Liberace, but will probably taste better. Made from some of the finest ingredients the World has to offer...Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream, chunks of rare Chuao chocolate, Grand Passion dessert caviar and 24K edible Swiss gold leaf to name but a few. They require 48 hours notice to prepare and create this sublime dish. The price tag? $1000.00. Start saving people!

Most people like a curry. Maybe a Jalfrezi, Korma or even a Vindaloo will grace your plates at home while watching a film of even the football.

Samundari Khazana (Seafood Treasure) was created by the Chef at the Bombay Brasserie in London. Filled with some of the most expensive and glorious ingredients, it is truly a wonder. Devon crab, Beluga Caviar, white truffles and Scottish Lobster coated with edible gold leaf are amongst the delicacies used to create the most expensive curry ever known. Price tag? £2000.00!

Love chocolate? Then you will love this..the largest Chocolate Fountain in the World! Housed at The Bellagio in Las Vegas, this wonder took 2 years to engineer, design and plan. White, Dark and Milk Chocolates cascade 14 feet from spouts in the ceiling and fill a variety of hand made glass vessels. This colossal fountain shifts around 2 tons of chocolate kept at a constant temperature of 120 degrees.

And finally, just to prove priceless doesn't mean expensive, Baked Rice Pudding! My Mum's was the best. Yep, we joked about the bowl slipping from her fingers, crashing through the floorboards (irrelevant it had to get though thick pile carpet) and ending up somewhere on the other side of the earth's core but when we scooped it out of that 1970's glass bowl...pure heaven served up with Elmlea single cream and strawberry jam...Thanks Mum!

So there you have it...a cop out post from your irregular Culinary Crank! Time is of the essence and I have very little currently. So lets skip forward to the News...

CHEF RAMSAY DOES BOTOX!

Time for a look to my 'Beyond The Hotplate ' Section. We have a few additions my Culinary Codpieces.

First we have Chef Crush. A delightful site run by The Crush Girls who whole heartedly believe that cooking makes you sexy! Can't disagree there...nor would I want to. Give them a visit and nominate your favourite good looking Chefs who can cook. (No I'm not on there...Yet!)

Second we have Grumpy Old Bloggers. A site dedicated to all things grumpy! Some great insights into what makes others grumpy and what winds them up so much they just have to write it down and get on that web-based pedestal. Go Grumpy People!

There is one more addition to the section which is purely because I believe this collective has seen the future. The Supper Liberation Front is a group of Los Angeles based Chefs who believe that the price tag of an exquisite and expensive meal should be available to all at the right price without cutting back on quality, time or effort! Give them your support and if you can, visit their next gastronomic evening! You got my vote Chefs!

On that revolutionary note...

Jusqu'à la fois prochaine…

Viewing of a Chefs' Soul...Sick Bags Optional

2010-05-22T22:36:00.000+01:00

Food is an experience! It can define a moment in time. It can inspire, invoke emotion and and cause Families to debate the human lottery of who will be peeling the spuds for Christmas dinner!

When eating out, I always try and find a dish that is either new to me or that I haven't tasted with the accompaniments that the Chef has prepared the dish with. I don't go for the 'norm'...I don't opt for the usual and accomplished dishes of a Chef. I try to route out the weaknesses! The dishes that jump out at you like a taunted Lobster without claw bands...those are the ones I choose. Sometimes pretentious and usually worded on the menu like some dolled up Chavette on smack, lolling over her baseball capped boyfriend of the week, these 'creations' are the epitomy of a Chef's playfulness. It shows the Chef for who he is. Laid bare for all as nine times out of ten it will not be an Escoffier classic or a Careme masterpiece. It is his soul, plated, for all to see.

Chefs pride themselves on their staples...staples being classic dishes or known combinations. Tarte au Citroen, Coq au Vin, Beouf Bourginion...the true test comes when a Chef tries to marry flavours that are not the 'norm' or have been discredited before as a 'no go' zone.

Is it better to plump for the regular and everyday dishes? Play safe with the cooked through and well done plates of normality?

NO! It is not! It is time we began to experiment with our taste buds! Enjoy our food to the fullest. Explore the divine flavours that our planet has been blessed with and live a little more dangerously.

Picture it. You see a Menu. It's in your hand. You begin to read the dishes from the various sections. You spot your usual...Soup, Prawn Cocktail, Gammon with Chips and Egg or the inevitable well done Sirloin. Now, take your time. Explore and peruse a little further. Find something that you may have always wanted to try but never had the balls to actually order. Something new and exciting. A dish that will light up your taste buds and have them begging you to go further...persuade you to take that next step.

As a Nation we have lost our way when it comes to food. We are dedicated to Foodie TV programmes and we are completely reliant on 'Celebrity Chefs' and the concoctions they create. The sale of cook books are at an all time high yet we have forgotten how to cook! We believe that these people have an insight into our souls and create wondrous dishes that can be re-created at home. I hate to inform you but this ain't possible most of the time.

Do you have 62 Chefs working 17 hours a day? Do you have tens of thousands of pounds worth of high end catering equipment? Do you buy the best produce that is shipped from all over the known world costing more than the average semi-detached dwelling?

Simple answer please...Anyone? I will give you the answer...NO!

You must enjoy and play with food...

A great man once said that to use a spoon to taste Mashed Potato was pointless. He used his hand! A damn good fistful! Feeling the texture and tasting the flavour!

So, If you want to, try being 5 years old again. Play with your food. Not just with the flavours, go medieval for once and PLAY!!!

Le Chef Grincheux

Lets Get Ready To Ramble....BANG!

2010-05-10T00:39:00.000+01:00

Bonjour mes petits goujons gastronomiques de morue légèrement battue!

Who in their right mind would enjoy days upon days walking around sodden fields, down canal tow-paths and through drenched forests?

Said felons wearing classic garments of hiking boots, thick woollen green socks pulled over beige corduroy trousers, tweed flat caps, barbar coats and finishing the offending ensemble with a walking stick that conveniently folds out into a stool that resembles a giant speculum?

You got it dearest readers....Ramblers! F***ing Ramblers! Old aged Pensioners and Retired Professionals who have bugger all else to do with their time than to walk aimlessly along the highways and byways of Great Britain while discussing the intricate details of some sodding arrangement of fungi on an Oak tree!

”What does this have to do with cooking Chef?”, I hear you cry? Bloody everything! Any Chef who still holds his sanity close to his heart (and there are a few of us left) has had to deal with these mouldy cretins at some point in their career.

Let’s break it down for the uneducated amongst us....

You arrive at your kitchen on a reasonable day, usually mid-week and there is a booking in the reservations diary. In my case today, a table of 30. Then you see it...that dreaded word...Ramblers (or Walkers). You know your day just went tits up and it ain’t gonna get better!

You see, a booking such as that, instills fear in a Chef.

He knows that time may be on his side to prepare, as they usually pre-order their meals, but it certainly won’t pan out that way! They are the most irritating, misinformed arseholes that can grace your restaurant...worse than ‘Chavs and WAGS’! At least they can be taken down a peg or two with the classic question; ”So, what do you do exactly?”

But ‘these’ people are of an intelligence that knows no humour or understands the concept of piss taking...they are the worst! You could insult and disrespect them to the ends of the earth but it will be lost in a smelting pot of thoughts had at the time. Wondering if they fed the cat...If the oven has been left on...When did Labour get into 10 Downing Street?..What’s for Dinner?...Semolina is nice...Countdown soon... What's for dinner?...I like Question Time and that Robin Day is a delight…

(You really have no idea what's going on do you?)

Oh my socks have fallen down...Semolina for Dinner...I prefer Blancmange...or Semolina...is that Carol Vorderman?...She’s gained weight...Oh the cat’s hungry ... Have you seen the price of Tena Lady ?

God it’s bloody endless...I fell asleep typing that (not surprising really)

It gets worse when they arrive at the restaurant. Confusion reigns supreme. All plates are set and ready to go...but Lord Jones-Smythe the third Earl of Pottering Village is missing and Mrs Reminington Putz has lost her Ordnance Survey map of the Lake district (rather strange considering she was in Cheshire) and is searching the 3rd Lock of the Debenham/Selfridge Canal Junction...”Could you hold the meals until they return? ” No I bloody well cant! I have people paying good money to eat here! Proper foodies! Not some jumped up snobs who forage for a species of slug just to stand there and go "Ooooo what a lovely pattern. Now that was a find"

The "crowning turd in the water pipe" comes at the end of the meal. When I say meal of course I mean Sandwiches, Baked Potatoes and the odd Salad. The morons have my sympathy on this one which doesn't happen often. It is the 'individual pay scheme' they seem to use every time they visit an establishment. Asking each other who had what meal or drink. Delving into to mud crusted pockets to pay for said meal and/or drink with a mass of coinage in various denominations, usually 2p's, 5p's and 10p's, while spouting off about the till needing the change or that they are getting rid of their shrapnel! Do us all a favour and either decide on a price with the establishment, bung £20 into a kitty or just stay at home and stop going out altogether! I prefer the latter.

The final straw arrives as they leave. The smell. Before we get into a debate about the general odours of an OAP, this has nothing to do with it...well maybe a bit, but not in whole. The smell is a culmination of offending odours...usually, but not limited to; Rose Petal Perfume, the countryside, animal hair (mainly wet animal hair) and formaldehyde. The 'Blue Rinse Brigade' ain't got nothing on these people.

Did they tip? Did anyone tip? Don't be so bloody stupid!

So, in retrospect, I have a message for all those Hunters out there...in the woods and fields...waiting patiently for a fallow deer prancing through the glade, a pheasant donned in its beautiful plumage or a herd of rabbits hopping in the morning sun...If you see a group dressed as above and making warbling noises into the trees...SHOOT THE BUGGERS! I implore you! You will be making the day of many a Chef and you will be handsomely rewarded. Yet be warned...if you visit a Restaurant or Hotel to inform a Chef of your good deeds, lock your vehicle. It wont be thieves nicking your stereo or hubcaps...it will be a crew of Chefs, a Band of Brothers riffling through your boot and 'half-inching' the vast quantities of Game from your days endeavours! You have been warned!

Anyway...on a lighter note...the news!

Celebrity chef Marco Pierre White is to open a Marco Pierre White Steakhouse Bar and Gril in Liverpool next year.

The former three-Michelin-starred chef will launch the restaurant at the city’s Hotel Indigo, a £15m boutique hotel currently under construction in Chapel Street, in Liverpool’s commercial district.

Marco Pierre White Steakhouse Bar and Grill, which is set to open in spring 2011, marks White’s fourth North-west venture following the launch of a restaurant and events venue at the Swan Inn Aughton and a steakhouse at the Double Tree by Hilton Chester earlier this year.

White said the Liverpool restaurant would be somewhere for friends and family to gather in relaxed surroundings and enjoy simple food, cooked well.

No matter what anyone says, Marco is truly the Godfather of Modern Cooking! He knows what He likes and tells it straight. You don't like it? Well thanks very much for reading, have a great night and I am sure we wont see you again!

Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay is being sued by a US wine merchant over more than $40,000 (£27,000) of unpaid bills at his eponymous restaurant in New York.

Wineberry America is suing Ramsay and Blackstone Group, which now operates the two-Michelin-starred restaurant at the London hotel in midtown Manhattan after the chef handed over its control last year.

According to court papers filed at the Supreme Court of New York this week, the wine merchant was “fraudulently induced” to provide alcohol to the restaurant. The papers accuse both Ramsay and the Blackstone Group of never having had any “intention” of paying for the supplied alcohol.

A spokesman for Ramsay told the Daily Telegraph: “We are in the process of working through any outstanding claims in regard to the London NYC and bills will be paid in due course.”

For those of you that know me, I am not the biggest Chef Ramsay fan. I have a lifelong subscription to the Marco Camp and that is where I will stay...saying that, I think it is about time Chef Ramsay got a bit of a break! Especially from the lawsuits and the media. When it comes down to it, he is a Chef. Nothing more, nothing less. Let him get on with what he does best...COOK!

On that Culinary Bombshell it is time for some news on yours truly...

For those that missed it I have a piece in ONE Magazine again. The link can be found on the 'Beyond The Hotplate' Section and I have been asked to write again...Yes...I am the lucky one! Next edition should be June so sign up to ONE and keep yourself posted because I certainly don't have the time!

The Blog layout has changed...For better or for worse? Suggestions will be kindly accepted and sent to the incinerator if I dont agree.

Website is on hold (nothing new there) but work will be beginning soon...I promise!

Until next time my Culinary Kumquats...Prenez soin de vous-même et

Le Chef Grincheux

Food Of The Fat Gods (As Published in ONE Magazine)

2010-04-14T08:43:00.000+01:00

Bonjour mes petites cocottes en terre perdues d'agneau ! Il a été trop long!

We all have vices and habits, they're human nature. They get us through our day and make us happy. Unfortunately now, one too many of my happy habits have been ruined by the ever expanding universe of food marketing which has become flooded with jumped up, opinionated oinks dictating what we should eat. Frankly, I choose to care not whether many processed products will increase my chances of getting some form of Cancer — my smoking, alcohol consumption and stressful working environment will take care of all that in due course.
Our parents and grandparents have been eating stodge and junk for decades, but all of a sudden, almost everything that got them through the Great Depression and a war-torn 20th Century is now bad for us. How unpatriotic. On one side, the 'moderationists'. On the other, the 'live life to the fullest' cowboys. “Never give in to cretins that have never lived on the breadline or tried to feed a family on a pittance!” an old friend advises.

Caught in the middle: chefs like me. After an crazy session at work, we like nothing more than to retire to our front room, get settled and begin a certain evening ritual. All Chefs have one. I collapse on my favourite sofa after a shower, smoking, drinking alcohol and watching television before proceeding to devour some combination of a sweet and sour Pot Noodle, cheese and honey roasted ham sandwich, or my favourite ‘mash up’ of pepperami and cream cheese pasta with a big chunk of Soda Bread smothered in virgin oil and covered in sea salt. What a feast!
Do you find it strange that professional chefs would lower themselves to eat such processed junk food? We break sweat everyday creating some of the finest gastronomically delectable delights available, yet when we retire to our abodes, we eat mass produced, factory manufactured garbage? Damn right we do! Where else should we get our energy? Coffee? Energy drinks? Iced tea? High end drugs? A combination of all four? Something has to propel us along.

Picture the daily routine: Ranges, grills, fryers and ovens are fired up as Chefs' prepare and don their pristine white jackets, black and white checkerboard trousers and ‘’toque blanche’. The resonance of stainless steel against diamond encrusted metal permeates as knives are sharpened to a keen edge. Table surfaces are polished to a glistening sheen, kitchen porters stack plates in hot cupboards, sweep the floors and dispose of lunchtime rubbish bags. The atmosphere and tension begins to mount soon as the first patrons begin to arrive. Before long, what I call 'the dance of the morons' will begin, a crescendo of "Check On" and "Table Clear" will echo amid the white tiled walls of the kitchen. Hackles will rise and the minions will shudder with petrification as the Chef begins his long tirade of orders and verbal abuse, with everything coming together in perfect synchronisation for each table. A tense, exquisite harmony organised chaos.

The aftermath is an elated feeling that consumes your whole being. A buzz of great magnitude that usually results, in my kitchen anyway, with an impromptu karaoke of classic chilled hits along the lines of ‘Moondance’ by Van Morrison, ‘Sweet Gene Vincent’ by the ‘always amazing but dead’ Ian Dury and the Blockheads mixed in with some New York punk.
Then comes the rituals. Lower level chefs earn a pittance and can’t really even afford to get to work, let alone an evening eating foie gras, veal or blowfish. Processed foods are part of their, our, everyday lives. What some would call the food of the gods is with us, and comes in many forms, conveniently wrapped in cellophane – cheap to buy and easily produced.
Many governing bodies now state that you are at greater risk of particular types of Cancer if you eat these products… Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting a diet of highly sugared breakfast cereals and slices of ground hooves and ox genitalia, but if people fancy that piece of white bread crowned with canned Ravioli or Tortilla Chips (Nacho Cheese flavour topped with Cheez Whiz) then why not?

As a professional, I feel we are now over-complicating food. Extravagant adaptations of classics from all over the known world are taking an industry of purity and finesse, stuffing it with foie gras, wrapping with chorizo and pomegranate seeds, then deep frying it in extortionately expensive extra virgin olive oil. Serving the resulting over a flavoured swamp turd on a bed of grated carrot, celeriac and pilchards drizzled with a sauce of pressed oysters and sweet basil and finishing with a sprinkle of brick dust. Delectable. Want to clog an artery? Give this a try:

Chefs Pasta Mash Up
Quite simple really. Go to your nearest supermarket or food court, purchase a small tub of soft cream cheese (NO LOW FAT), a couple of Pepperamis (I find the hot and spicy ones the best) and a pack of your favourite dried pasta. Personally I prefer Linguine. Cook pasta according to packet guidelines. Take Pepperamis, slice thinly and add to a pan with a knob of butter or margarine and sauté over a medium heat. If you are starting to feel guilty about the saturated fats which begin to leak from the sausage – add mushrooms to soak it up…no one will see. Cook until the sausage begins to darken and add the pasta into the pan. Allow it soak up the ‘flavours’ and then add a good helping of Cream Cheese. Cook for a few minutes, season and serve. Total preparation and cook time…10 minutes max. Total fat content and ‘nasty stuff’ that you shouldn’t really be eating…

WHO CARES? Bon Appetit!

Editor's note: ONE Magazine/The Grumpy Chef is not responsible for diabetes, heart failure, or any other health issue that could in whole or in part be related to the Grumpy Chef recipes.

Excuse me while I get an Alka Seltzer.

Le Chef Grincheux

Genesis of a Grumpy Chef (As published in ONE magazine)

2010-01-11T19:10:00.000Z

Bonsoir mes merveilles d'or scrumptious de sel et au vinaigre!

I don’t quite know where it all started...my own grumpy love of food. Maybe it was the mounds and pounds of brussels sprouts I was forced to peel on Christmas at three years old. Maybe it was my first corporate kitchen experience, dissecting and quartering forty frozen, pre-roasted chickens leaving my entire torso and brand new pristine-white clogs covered in chicken fat, hen skin and soggy giblets. When I returned home after my delightful first day, my Father, who’d never so much as run a vacuum cleaner in seventeen years guarded the front door until I stripped to my boxers in the street and binned my uniform.

I remember now, it was my first ‘real’ kitchen job in a two-rosette restaurant. I was the Commis Extraordinaire, lowliest of the low; the bottom rung of the ladder, Orwell’s plongeur: a young target for every Jolly-Jack-Tar to push, pull, punch, cajole, kick, and once, even try to ram an entire Salmon up my young a— . With this, came the realisation that most, if not all, Chef’s are nasty, sarcastic, drunk, narcissists with a penchant for depravity (see: ‘Salmon’). This was the beginning of my evolutionary process; where it all began. But one incident in particular made me the crabby cuisinier I am today—when ‘The Grumpy Chef’ was born.

First, take a flavoursome Pâté de Foie Gras: finished with a vibrant caramelized red onion chutney and robust slices of airy Brioche toasted to perfection; followed by a salad of peppery Mizuna and fresh cilantro, gently dressed with extra virgin olive oil, cracked black pepper and crunchy rock salt. The result: a plated orgasm, erotically enticing any lucky recipient to dine in sublime ecstasy.

Next, add the f*ing “customer” who sent the dish back. ‘Why?’ you may ask. Why send back a wonderfully crafted plate of delightful flavour and texture that took such a great amount of time and skill to create? Answer: his girlfriend, who’d decided that right then, there, at my table six, would be the perfect time to tell him l’origine de foie gras — that a goose had its bill opened, a tube shoved down inside, and then had been force-fed until its liver was on the near point of exploding just so we could cut it out and enjoy. So what? I worked long and hard on that pate, first time on my own without one of those Chef de Partie numpties screaming in my ear and down my neck, which, I could stand—but a plate return, never!! A dish created lovingly and brought to your table at the zenith of perfection and you send it back? To that ‘person’ I say this ... to this day I hold only contempt for you, and your kin — which only fuels my passion.

Ladies and Gentlemen...The Grumpy Chef is trying to give up those atrocious sticks of pure evil called 'cigarettes'. God help us all...any ideas who is gonna help God though? I don't.

News, news, news. Yours truly has been asked to write for ONE Magazine again! At least I am good for something. Initial draft due in by Friday and publication should be released on the 25th January. If you would like to keep an eye on my ramblings there then please follow the link in the 'Beyond The Hotplate' section. Also, to remind you all I am twittering now...so follow me at the top of this page and for those on Facebook, the Grumpy Chef Groupies Page needs some more members and as always all comments are gladly welcomed.

Until next time my delightful Snozberries...

The Greek, The Steak, The String and His Customer

2010-01-01T22:41:00.000Z

Bonsoir mon bavardage et blowfish fortement toxique...

How should a steak be eaten? Anyone who just made the comment, 'With a knife and fork...snigger...snigger', will be promptly hunted down and have their genitalia beaten severely with a tenderiser! It is a serious question. One that has been asked since the first human decided that maybe yanking on this dangling thingy was a bad idea and decided to cut it open and cook it...even before they realised you could milk the other gender!

Everyone has their own preference. Its like a cup of tea! You make your own cup as it has taken you a good half decade to get it just right...because so many factors have to be taken into account and you have it down to a perfect art. My Father is the perfect example...Teabag in first, then water that has boiled but settled for approximately 10 seconds, the cup is then filled 3/4 full, held over the sink and the bag is dunked in and out of the water six times (no more, no less) and finally the milk is added to just below the rim of the cup. Add two Rich Tea biscuits or if the occasion permits, a Penguin, and that is him on his way to 'Tetley Heaven'. Sad B*****d!

A succulent piece of prime Heffer is just the same...no one will ever cook it the same as you. Every Chef I know and have known over the years will constantly argue over the correct colouring, blood flow and texture of 'Medium-Rare' or any of the other variants we have.

In my opinion, there are only 3 levels when cooking a piece of Steak...Blue (also affectionately known as 'Kill it, Wipe its arse and Plate it), Rare (I would usually give around 2 mins each side then rest for 5 minutes) and finally Medium-Rare (pink throughout with a nice flow of blood and juices meandering through each other as it rests on my board). Cook a Steak any longer than that and you have a catastrophe!!!

Now I am not going to sit here berating others for having their Steaks cooked over M-R but I will go into the reasons why they should try and develop some taste buds! Not only is this blog post educational, but it could save your Life...and probably your Soul, you cold-hearted B******s! (sorry, force of habit...Hehe!)

If you order Medium or Medium-Well you will usually fore go any right to be served a decent cut of beef. For the likes of you 'safe-eaters' the cut you will be served is from either side of the section usually saved for Chateaubriand (which is the section that the Chef will, majority of the time, have for his evening meal on a Saturday night after service). Its not the best cut, but it certainly ain't the worst. Please bare in mind at this point that you are still paying the same price as all the other God-like Humans on this planet that are ordering the best cut of beef and enjoying its more intense and mouth-watering flavours. In my experience, cretins...sorry, people eating this way are usually open to suggestion and a few that have actually listened to me in the past are still enjoying steaks but cooked correctly and no more than M-R...some even went from M-W to Rare in a matter of hours after an extremely persuasive cooking demonstration with myself and the cast of a Cravendale advert

As for the the Heathens of this world, the non-believers, the ex-abattoir inspectors, the overly safe-eaters...the piece of beef you receive all dressed up with sauce and prettiness has been reserved for you for quite a while! You must feel honoured, but please understand that this 'honour' will be short lived. You will get your steak 'Well Done'! It will arrive cremated on your plate like the sole of a 1920's Brouge...dry and lifeless! It wont be from the most juiciest part of the cut, it wont be from the outskirts of 'downtown delectable', it will be from either the largest end which sits near the Rump (or arse for those of a non culinary nature) or it will be removed form the other end which falls into the Short Loin (or 'Witches Hat' end due to its shape) and beaten flat before cooking. Not to tenderise but to make sure that when the shriveled piece of leather is plated it still covers some of the plate.

The piece you have been given will have been sitting in a service fridge or reach-in for a while and it is the piece that has been pushed to the back over the past several days until you have sauntered in and ordered the abomination that is 'Well Done'! To explain so you understand the nature of your follies...a story!

I once knew an amazing Chef. He was Greek and his name was...Costas! Great name and very predictably un-PC! Costas could serve 100 people on his own even if they had just pulled up outside on two buses without prior booking and present a fantastic meal for them. Give him four middle class Accountants sitting down for a pre-booked a la carte dinner experience and it was usual to see him running around like a headless chicken with its tail feathers on fire!

Well, this restaurant had its regular customers...mostly from the older contingency that meandered around the town looking for a deal or two and moaning if the soup didn't appear to be bubbling in its bowl when served and then letting it cool down as it was to hot to stomach!

One customer used to come in every Friday at 2pm. Every Friday he would shuffle to his usual table, order his glass of Sherry and place his food order...a Well Done Fillet Steak with Hand Cut Chips. He had been a regular of two months and always complained...'the Steak was awful'...'crap'...'no flavour'...'wrong texture'...'I wouldn't even feed it to my dog'!

Eventually fed up with this scenario repeating itself over and over again, Costas decided to do something about it. One Friday morning he arrived at his usual time and grabbed a piece of Fillet steak from his service fridge...the rump end if you are interested. He proceeded to tie a piece of string around the steak and tied the other end of the string to the rear loop of his Chef trousers. When he let go of the steak it fell behind him and landed on the tiled floor with a delightful thud. Costas, I am lead to believe, smiled!

So, for the next four hours, the steak bounced around behind Costas wherever he went..around the kitchens, down the store room corridors...outside to the bin stores...while he carried on with his usual day. When 2pm came...the order came in! Fillet Steak 'Well Done' with Hand Cut Chips.

Costas removed the steak from the entwined string, washed it of under the cold tap and massacred it!!! It was pasnfried, deep fried, weighted down on the top of the flat stove and grilled about an inch away from the flames. Conclusion to this story..

The customer complimented Costas on finally getting it right...in person! Costas frog marched the customer out of the restaurant and politely told him to 'F**k Off, don't come back here again'!

Harsh? No! Necessary? Yes! Will you remember this? Please do!

So, have we answered the question? Not really. If you want to appear like someone who understands the fundamentals of cookery , flavour and texture then order correctly. You want to appear as some dozy twonk who has no idea what a steak should taste like, then carry on. Who knows where your steak has been? Bon Apetite!

On that Culinary Note my wonderful Wontons...

Bonne nuit mes lecteurs évalués et nouvelle année heureuse!

'Culinarian' Titbit

2009-08-27T20:38:00.003+01:00

Bonsoir mes terrapins technologiquement avancés!

Unaccustomed as I am to miniature, spur of the moment posts...I thought I would just remind the tech-advanced trojans among us that their is a Facebook Group called the Grumpy Chef Groupies which you can join. Type it up into your search box on FB and invite whomever you wish!

We also Twitter as well and that is accessible by searching for 'TheGrumpyChef' and keep up to date with 'as it happens' posts.

Also, if anyone wishes to contact me via email, send me a message on, 'whodarescooks@googlemail.com'.

A further titbit for you is that the website is on hold currently while I find a new web designer and there may be a possibility of a basic clothing range (i.e T-shirts, shirts and headwear), in the near future.

On that advertisement...

Bon Nuit!

Le Chef Grincheux

How To Stay Awake - A Chefs Guide!

2009-08-24T19:32:00.003+01:00

Allow me to fill you in on an extreme annoyance of mine...being tired! All Chefs, at some point in their career will become exhausted and start to make monumental and biblical mistakes. We let our working persona's merge with our social and home life creating a colossal chasm...a sort of culinary black hole if you will.

As our various 'masks' morph to become one, it leads to a general existence of work, more work, even more work and household duties and chores becoming a inevitable smelting smorgasbord of things to do and no time for anything else like fun, blogging or even sleep!

It is with this in mind I dappled in a small experiment. My own 'theory of relativity' if you will. Before I get any teachers, teaching assistants or graduates from the school of physics mouthing off about how I can compare this experiment to the likes of the fundamental basics of the world as we know it, allow yourselves this one thought...It's my experiment and any pompous intellectual idiots will be visited by me, a 5kg Salmon and an industrial sized tub of Swarfega!)

Back to the experiment...

I have conducted research into so-called 'power' drinks. Words like 'isotonic' and 'energy' have now been banded around since the introduction of Red Bull to the raving and dance communities back in the 90's and Chefs all over the globe have created their own ways of using these caffeine and sugar filled aperitifs in their own concoctions. Trial and error has usually been the way and recently myself and some fellow 'Culinarians' marched on our merry way to create the ultimate 'power drink'!

We were inspired by a plethora of sources and working on the principles of 'Molecular Gastronomists', a blog article on 'Desperate Chef Wives', sheer stupidity and male bravado. We were astounded at the use of items such as iced tea, espresso and 'Energy Powders' (which we couldn't find so we stuck to Lucozade Sports Tablets and Pro-Plus). So, with shopping list in hand and the male bravado forefront we set out on a monumental shopping spree. Once our spree was completed we began our 'Culinary Mixology'...putting our 'bar-tending morons' to shame.

We started lightly looking for an industry standard benchmark. We took our findings taking into account flavour, smell and 'energy boost'...very boring this science bit so I will just post our results and the innovative names we concocted along the way.

Irn Bull - A delightful sparkle with plenty of zing. Good for an immediate boost. 1 standard sized can of Red Bull with 1/2 a bottle of Irn Bru (Made in Scotland...From Girders)

The Nickleback - A very potent flavour with a fruity twist. 1 can of Rock Star with 2 shots of chilled espresso. For extra sweetness add 2 Teaspoons of sugar to the espresso before cooling.

The Truffle Shuffle - Pure sweetness in a glass. A combination of Red Bull, Rock Star and Purdeys Gold (An Oriental herbal drink available from all good Supermarkets). Boost energy three fold and pile on the pounds with this urban liquid zinger!

The 'Jordan' - With a mix of herbal and chemical tablets with the liquor of choice, the 'Price' will definitely be right. We used the industry standard of Red Bull with powdered Pro-Plus and Yeastvite to create this 'Mediterranean Sangria'. A mortar and pestle is required for the powdering of the tablets but please be warned, it may send you 'Insania'.

The 'U2' - It certainly is the 'Sweetest Thing' as We tell you about our No 2 Mixology Masterpiece...Four espressos, eight teaspoons of sugar, two powdered Lucozade tablets and a floater of the new Relentless Energy Shot (50 mls of pure power)

The 'Ariston' - And just like the advert you go 'on and on and on and on!'. There is no stopping this explosive aperitif... 1 can of regular sized Red Bull, 1 can of Rockstar, 1 can of 24, 1 bottle of Lucozade (Fizzy) and finally 2 shots of Relentless Energy shot. You may need a pitcher for this wonderfully fruity concoction, but believe me when I say, It ain't called the Ariston for nothing!!!

Can I just take a brief moment of your time at this point to ask you to read my Disclaimer...

All the above mixtures can be hazardous to your health and, at times, extremely dangerous. None of the drinks or Companies that produce said drinks, condone the miss-use of their products in this manner and Grumpy Chef Ltd, and all subsidiaries of Grumpy Chef Ltd do not condone the miss-use of the above products. If you you do try and mix your own, we accept no liability to any repercussions that these mixes may do to your physical or mental state. These are including but not limited to Death, popping your clogs, kicking the bucket and meeting your maker (when we say 'maker' please replace with your choice of God, Deity or Entity that you worship, pray or gain advice from).

Any Celebrities (Minor or Minuscule) mentioned above have not given written or verbal consent for their names to be used in this written piece and if objected to will be removed at their request and replaced with alternative titles. The alternative titles will follow in the correct order as written above...

The Steel Cow, The Quarter Front, The 'God my Belly is Fat and Looking like that kid off the movie The Goonies', The Katie 'Come On Down' Cost, The 'I only know how to play one note constantly through the Song and spend too much time dealing with other countries problems' and, well, The Ariston as the company has no money to be able to sue me because they went bankrupt a while back!

On that extremely official and career ending note...The News...

Jamie Oliver is set to expand his 'Jamie's Italian' Chain into Asia. Starting in Hong Kong, 30 sites have been planned with six sites being built in Hong Kong itself and a further 24 rolling out into China, Korea, Taiwan and Japan.

Okay...Can everyone remember when Ramsay began to over stretch himself? Not to mention the likes of Rankin and the Poisoned Dwarf Worral-Thompson? To me it seems like history is repeating itself! There is only one thing we can do dear readers and that is to wait with baited breath...I on the other hand would rather he opened in Italy...let's see him take to that challenge!

Since when did eating processed meat become bad for us? In a recent claim, the WCRF (World Cancer Research Fund) has denounced processed meat products such as ham and salami and now Chef Aldo Zilli is backing their claims. I don't think I need to comment on this as Bob Farrand of the Fine Foods Guild has got it spot on in his retort to these claims..."The most charitable thing these people can do is to shut up,” he said. Well said Bob!!!!!

Sur cette note, les Chers Lecteurs… bonne nuit et (nom de lieu de votre Dieu, entité ou déité choisie ici) bénissent !

Le Chef Grincheux

Audacity of a Patron

2009-06-11T15:44:00.009+01:00

Bon après-midi mes omlettes gargantuesques de baleine!

I was blessed at the beginning of last week with a full three days off. Plans were made, D.I.Y items were sought after, the list of 'things to do' grew more and more as Monday morning slowly rolled on. The weather had held and there was a hazy day awaiting my gusto. So, how far did I travel down my 'to do' list...How many red ticks did I place on my whiteboard indicating 'job finished'...How many times, my valued readers, have you done the same? I'm sure you can guess the outcome of my three delightful days off...I did bugger all! Nothing got done, the 'to do' list grew quicker than a genetically enhanced super melon and I endured the wrath of my Wife who would have been quite happy if I had just managed to put the kitchen clock on the wall! (Nails where they have always been and the hammer is in the toolbox in the cupboard by the front door...get the hint?)

Anyway, let me paint a picture for you. It's Sunday evening, you have been working for around thirteen hours, you have served approximately 85 covers, the temperature in the Kitchen is slightly on the warm side and you are waiting for the nightmare to end. Just finishing your last ticket of the night, you notice the clock on the wall...9pm! The Kitchen is now closed and an expression of relief resides on your face which is usually used to frowning the majority of the time. The door to the Bar opens and a familiar face appears...then the words, sickeningly sweet, filled with presumption, a hint of malice and quivering slightly with an undertone of fear..."Chef, do remember the table of 2 that booked for 8:30, well, they just arrived and, um, wondered if, um, it would still be okay to sort of like, you know, serve them?"

Five words projected themselves from my vocal chords..."You gotta be f*****g me!"

I was flabbergasted. Truly, I was. Dumbfounded, dumbstruck, I was rendered speechless! How any normal person could believe it was the height of good manners to book a table for a certain time, turn up 30 minutes late and then still expect to be fed is beyond a f*****g joke!

I am sure you are asking yourself the question "Well, did you serve them?" and to that conundrum, I will answer in the due fullness of time. Had it been my Establishment I would have personally gone to see the offending couple and, without any hesitation, made this statement..."Good Evening. I'm afraid that I will not be serving you tonight. If you think that you can arrive late, without a phone call and especially without an apology, disrespect me, my restaurant and my staff and still expect to eat then you are sorely mistaken. Thank you for choosing to dine here but I think that it is best if you leave now and never return because if you do, I will thinly slice your butt cheeks and serve you to my customers as Carpacchio of Human Arse...Now F**k Off!" At least my theoretical answer was to the point and there is no way the idiots could have misread the situation...or my obvious intentions.

So, to now answer the question that has reverberated around your cranium...Did I serve them?...Of course I did! It's not my restaurant and its certainly not my money or livelihood so of course I served them. Every motion I made for that ticket was painfully filled with resentment, anger and delightfully chilled revenge.

Please, I beg of you, spare a thought for the people in this Industry. We are only human. We could knock out numerous microwave meals or butter bread quicker than the likes of Greggs, Harveys or whichever local Bakery-cum-Eatery that is near you but that is not our style. Spare a thought for the Guys and Girls of the proper Kitchens...your local haunts...the ones that make sure you have the table you like but you don't need to ask for it and appear like a pretentious t**t. The ones that know which drinks you have when you arrive and the aperitif that you finish your meal with. The wonders of the Catering Fraternity that can have a laugh and a joke with you yet you still feel like the most important person in the room. They are the wonders of this trade...They are the ones that make sure every aspect is taken care of and your every whim is dealt with to the highest standard. Do not disrespect them but embrace there gutsy drive and determination which will ultimately lead to you and your guests having a most wonderful evening of food and drink.

P.S. Don't forget to tip your 'moron'! (Most Chefs get a cut of them!)

On that monetary note, some news regarding yours truly...I have been published! If you would care to look toward my 'Beyond The Hotplate' section which is on the left hand side of the Blog you will see 2 additions. The first is the link to ONE Magazine which I have been asked, with some light aggresion on my part, to become the Resident 'Culinary Crank'! It's an honour that I have been asked to write for this publication and I urge you to check it out at your earliest convenience...if not then it may well be time for the Salmon (Read the article and you will know what that means!) Secondly, for the Super Highway geniuses out there, I am now on Facebook with a informatory group called 'Grumpy Chef Groupies' which is open to all and I am also now on Twitter as of this evening...Search for 'TheGrumpyChef' on the Twitter friends page and 'Follow the White Touque!

Thirdly...another website I think is absolutely wonderful...Kamikazie Cookery! Follow the link in the same section and marvel at these 3 gents living in Edinburgh. An amazing concept and easily described as 'Three geeks. Cooking. With science and Explosions. Described as "Top Gear with food and without that twat Clarkson" (by one of our mates, admittedly), we're putting the "fun" back into "food". Which means we're making "funood". And lots of it.'

Bonne nuit mon carbonisez merveilleusement les brochettes vertes thaïes grillées de poulet

Le Chef Grincheux

My Hypocritical Oath

2009-06-04T16:33:00.000+01:00

mes tians savoureux de tomate, de basilic et d'avacado...mes pains belges succulents..mes goujons gastronomiques de morue…

When I embarked on my culinary journey, I pledged an oath. An oath of great magnitude that I still uphold to this day. A vow so colossal that I have struggled many a time to bite my tongue so that the perpetrators of vile deeds need not incur the wrath of my otherwise calm and gentile demeanor.

I took this oath well over a decade ago and until this day I have followed it to the letter. I have never strayed from my sacred words of wisdom...until now! The aforementioned statement reads thus...

"I, The Grumpy Chef, do solemnly swear never to gripe, groan, grumble, 'put down', 'tear to shreds', deconstruct, 'rip apart' or moan about any dish I eat when visiting a food establishment as a paying customer or regular patron. Nor will I demoralize any 'moron' about said dishes or subject them to ridicule over said dishes. This includes, but is certainly not limited to Managers, Bar Staff and Owners. In the event of a bad meal I will quietly pay my bill and leave calmly via the nearest exit. I will never name or bad mouth the establishment. Nor will I use telephonic communications, hand written letters or verbal speech to indicate my dislike for said establishment. This is my oath...mine and mine alone!"

Shame I never updated it to include Blogging...Oh well...God bless modern technology!

To begin with my Chicken Liver Pate, which seemed to be housed in the same type of receptacle that was used for ashtrays in the gardens, was overly coarse, contained bits of rubbery sinew and was finished on top with an unclarified butter. All of this resulted in the fact that the Pate had not been passed correctly (possibly the remnants from the Chef's last Donor Kebab with Chilli Sauce), it was over salted and was as warm as my nether regions after a busy Dinner Service.

Unperturbed by this ramekin of rubbery crap, I hunkered down and braced myself for the main course...a Beef Fillet Steak, cooked Blue, with full Garni, Homemade Chips and a succulent Pepper Sauce. I think I should have braced myself a little harder than I did. What followed was a Culinary injustice...a meal so detrimental to gastronomy itself that Escoffier must have been turning in his grave.

My Steak was Medium-rare one end and Rare at the other (a Culinary Feat!), the Onion Rings were bought in from a mass-market Giant, the Mushrooms had been sitting in a Bain Marie so long you could taste the stainless steel, the whole Tomato had been microwaved and then introduced to the grill for a fleeting moment before being plated, the Homemade Chips I don't think had ever seen a Homegrown Potato in their manufactured life and as for the Pepper Sauce, well, I think it was more of a sweet Gravy with lumps of Onion and White Peppercorns in. No sign of any dairy product what so ever...maybe he had used Milk to carry on his obvious talent of saving money for his G.P but producing s**t for his customers!

By now I had all but given up and persuaded myself to give this cretinous cook one last shot of the proverbial dice. Dessert was the final course and I waited with bated breath as it appeared on the horizon, awkwardly making its way to the table carried by an inept 'moron'. One look told me that the idiot had failed and failed with such magnitude that I had been stretched to breaking point. My White Chocolate and Baileys Cheesecake was actually a gelatinous and sickly piece of a Brakes-Own catastrophe! Even worse though, a Chocolate sauce that had obviously come from an Ice-cream Van, a rosette of 'Aerosol Cream' and 'the crowning turd in the water pipe'...a solitary piece of Physallis. The 90's answer to the 80's Cocktail Umbrella or the 70's Fondue!

So, in retrospect, the Cook needs to go back to Culinary School! My main worry is that this isn't an isolated incident. I have still to find a restaurant or even a Public House where I have enjoyed eating in the county of Cheshire. Don't get me wrong, there are a few extremely excellent eateries and for that reason I will name them...The Cottage Restaurant and Lodge in Knutsford, The Bridge Inn in Audlem and for good wholesome British grub, The Barbridge Inn in Barbridge. Yet in a county that is approximately 600,000 Acres in size and is home to over a million people, surely there must be more than just three decent establishments! There just has to be.

On that Culinary note...The News...

Following on from last week, We see that Chef Blumenthal has been overlooked by Mr Pegler, Chief Exec of Little Chef and didn't even consult him on the proposed Nationwide roll out of Heston's Menu. Come on Heston, I'm sure Mr Pegler will soon consult with you once he has a Halibut shoved up his bottom and a few New Zealand Green Lip Mussels coaxed up his nasal passages...Where's your 'kahonas', Chef? Probably in his latest weird and wacky molecular masterpiece!

Voyez-vous bientôt mes ramiers merveilleux bourrés de la substance. Ayez une semaine fantastique

Le Chef Grincheux

Bring Back the Allotment and Chicken Coop!

2009-05-26T00:24:00.015+01:00

Bonsoir mes sorbets blancs scrumptious de chocolat!

A little nostalgia for you this evening. This wondrous Bank Holiday has had me thinking of traditional grub. Good, wholesome and home-cooked. The type of food your Grandma would rustle up of an evening...Egg and Chips, Shepard's Pie, Toad in the Hole and even Cheese on Toast. Every single dish being served up 'en masse'! Gargantuan portions of Mashed Potato, proper Chips, homegrown vegetables and not to mention vasts amounts of Meat and Fish. Back then there was no talk of 'haute cuisine' or 'al a carte' food. So tonight, I think it is time to delve into the depths of 'Home' Cuisine! A tribute to the unsung heroes of our heritage and a comparison to today's 'nouvelle' and 'fusion' cuisine that we are becoming to accustomed to. Let the battle commence!

Lets begin with the most recent and utterly over-produced program 'The Great British Menu'. The winners of this 'made for TV' travesty will cook a homecoming meal for around 100-200 soldiers selected from the three armed forces returning from Afghanistan. (I completely support the return of our extremely valued Troops). I will ask this one question though as we approach the final of this ludicrous competition...Are the extravagant and contemporary dishes the Chefs are cooking what our Troops really would enjoy? Are the rations that are supplied, and the cookhouses, really producing such meager meals that the Armed Forces will actually enjoy something the size a Gnats penis after there Tour of Duty?

In my honest opinion, I don't think they would and I will stress at this point that the Chefs feeding all these Troops on the front line and in various areas around the world have a harder job than the likes of Chef Ramsay, Chef Blumenthall and any other Chef that feels they produce the worlds best food, because these guys that feed thousands of hungry soldiers have their work cut out for them...and if they get it wrong, lets be honest, its not a detrimental comment card or harsh word...it could be a whole lot worse!!!

So, what would an 'Honest Tommy' require after returning home to Blighty? A good honest and wholesome meal the size of the latest M.P scandal? Or a jumped up, culinary enhanced, 18 flavoured, tweaked and twatted version which insults the integrity of British cooks all over the country? Answers on a postcard!!!

We have lost our way in this contemporary world of extravagant food and molecular gastronomy...is it not time to return to the British way of thinking? Time to return to the recipes our Grandmothers taught us all those years ago? When food was scarce and there was no talk of buying local, as it was all local...our ancestors were doing that trend way before the current 'goody two shoes' chefs were! Are they bringing back a lost tradition?....NO...they ain't, because there are hundreds of thousands of people who have carried on the traditions of home cooking and local produce even when the recent 'Chef of the day' was having his nappy changed.

One item of information I have managed to work out myself...There are no 'new' recipes, but old ones re-vamped and that has been the answer for most celebrity Chefs for the last decade! Pick a loved traditional dish, make it smaller, smooth the nooks and crannys and produce a dish that wouldn't cover a small water biscuit...and apparently that constitutes a meal...I say its time to stop this nou-nouvelle cuisine and return to the dishes that made Britain great and to through in a little indication of the way we should be cooking I quote a Master of British Cuisine, Chef Marco Pierre White, "When I'm making Mashed Potato in the morning, I give myself a fistful. Not a finger, a fistful!". This is how we should be cooking...Cavalier Style, tasting each dish like it was your last, if only our over-zealous Chefs would spend more time letting go and start dolloping the vast quantities of food onto the plate rather than condensing, enhancing and f*****g around with our food and just present it in its 'homemade' state then we could at least hold onto our British food (unlike our Car companies, Water producers and Airports) and start to make Britain a Nation again. Lets be honest, the Government ain't really got a chance now, so I think its time a Chef got into Number 10...couldn't do any worse!!!

SO where does that leave us? At a solution that this radical style of cookery permeating and choking our traditional British values is the way forward? Or does it leave us open to make a choice? A choice to begin again. To devote our average, mediocre or less-than-adequate cookery skills to search the annals of our food history...our inheritance, and start to cook, braise, poach, grill or baste our way to victory?

I think its time to begin again my short crusted steak and kidney puds! Follow the hearts of our predecessors and bring back the dishes that made Britain a force to be reckoned with...hit em with both barrels...show the rest of the world what our cookery was made of...hard graft, home grown, non-chemical and heart felt. In other words, lets here it for our older generation because if the current state of affairs in this country are anything to go by...we are screwed in the foodie stakes! Bring back British! Its what we live for.

On that patriotic note...the News...

Heston's Little Chef menu is to be rolled out nationwide although it is only in principle at the current moment.

Blumenthal’s revamped menu, which he created during the Channel 4 documentary Big Chef Little Chef, has been trialled at the Little Chef branch in Popham, Hampshire, for more than six months.

The menu, which includes dishes such as braised ox cheeks, coq au vin and Hereford steak and Abbot Ale pie, has been well received by truck drivers and travelling salesman according to Little Chef managing director Ian Pegler.

If anyone has actually been and tasted the new menu, been happy with the delightful flavours that have apparently been enjoyed then please email me...I have had no indication from anyone I know that has actually been to the Little Chef in Popham and I would love to hear any comments on the recent developments...

Dining trends in the US are changing as a result of the financial downturn and restaurants are responding by putting on a variety of special deals, it has emerged.

Starters served as main courses and shared platters, take out meals for free and even courses for the dog are among the promotions being served up by Stateside food service operators, according to food service consultancy Horizon’s managing director Peter Backman.

About bloody time...how the high and mighty have fallen! Forgive me the veritable chuckle...hee hee hee!

On that career ending note its goodbye from me and a "would your dog like a cool, tepid, warm, iced with an undertone of mild, half tap half distilled moderately heated, shaken not stirred water bowl?"...from the Barista's of your local Starbucks!

Rêves doux mes tartlets succulents de poireau et d'emmental

Le Chef Grincheux

Summery Interlude

2009-05-22T12:55:00.001+01:00

Bonsoir mes escargots extrêmement chers scintillant avec du beurre d'ail et un ordre latéral de baguette de beurre et comment sont vous ce week-end chaleur-rempli de vacances de banque ?

Well I hope you have languished in the rarely present sunshine today...I know I haven't so I am safe in the knowledge that the majority of you have and there was obviously no need to ask the previous question.

I, obviously, have been working my little arse off in the catering underbelly that is the kitchen...producing delectable delights for you work-shy layabouts in the hope that I might chance upon an ounce of daylight to see me through to my next day off. Undoubtedly you can imagine that I didn't! At least 'morons' see the light of day. Even if it is grovelling to the masses and whimpering when they are told off for forgetting the micro-herb salad with truffle oil for table 2! Bloody Idiots, even my daughter could remember that. Christ, she even remembers how to make Fairy Cakes and when they should be removed from the oven on completion of there baking and she is only four!!!

If only I had been made redundant around this time of year and not in the freezing 'British Hell' of January! I would have been lying on the lawn today, chilled Pimms in one hand, Prime Scotch Beef burger in the other with a dash of Lea and Perrins and a grilled slice of J.S.Baileys Mature Cheddar. Maybe even a thick slice of Ayshire Bacon, crisp to the bite, culminating in a sharp, smooth and yet salty taste! You got to admit, you really cannot beat food porn!

Well, main post tomorrow my little Langoustines. Just thought a little taster would keep you fulfilled for the next 24 hours...Maybe even entice you into definitely reading tomorrow's post.

Bonne nuit mes bucardes et moules somnolentes. Puits de sommeil.

Le Chef Grincheux

The Front/Back Divide

2009-05-10T18:09:00.011+01:00

Bon après-midi mes chipmunks gais

I hate Sundays...inept morons run around like headless chickens on cocaine trying to sit customers, give them menus and then take the orders...not exactly rocket science, is it? Nope, certainly ain't. That is why I, and many many other Chefs, use the term 'moron'. A 'moron' is a plate carrier, a soup jockey, a lowly serf...they are not only there to run around for the customer but the Chefs also. A term such as 'kitchen b***h' is commonly used to describe certain types of morons. They fetch drinks for the kitchen crew, cutlery when we eat, run errands to various shops for numerous items, mop floors, plate desserts and a plethora of various tasks.

In the eyes of a Chef, they are there for him. No one else! Its almost like having a gun dog. They come when they are called and execute the bidding of the Chef. That's it. No more...no less!

For many years this has been the staple of many a kitchen. Until recently 'morons' knew there place. Yet now I find myself in a world unknown to me...a parallel universe has appeared and these 'morons' seem to be treated equally. This sort of bugs me a little. Am I living in the past? Is this my ego trip coming to an end? Has every kitchen in the country taken leave of its senses? Apparently not!

Today, while cooking myself some dinner (a traditional Linguine Carbonara if you are interested) I looked toward one of the new 'morons' I have the displeasure of working in close proximity to and requested a set of cutlery and napkin along with a double espresso and a Red Bull and Coke Chaser on the side. So, what was the answer this 'moron' gave me? What impertinent statement emanated from the mouth of said 'moron'? (Any Chefs reading this please brace yourselves)... "I'm Busy...Get it yourself!".

Well, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...Satan and all his devilish minions have obviously never met a Chef!!!

I turned red then purple, my eyes began to blacken as a dark murk clouded my vision, fixed on my prey, my voice lowered and the words slowly began to rise from my vocal chords, a fiendish undertone shaking my dupe to his very core. Almost cowering, he seemed to prepare himself for the inevitable tyriad of verbal abuse that was about to rain down on his sorry, miserable ass! In his eyes, you could see he was already regretting his slip-up, his misdemeanor...his sacrilege!

"WHO THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO???"

It was at this point, his eyes had glazed over like he was starting to float away, off to a little happy place in his mind......I didn't notice, I didn't care. Sixteen years in the Trade and there was no way on this Earth a 'moron' was going to get away with it. Talk back at me????? Was this f**kwit insane? Deranged? Suicidal? Many before him had tried and suffered the consequences...Now it his turn, little s**t that he was!

I use the past tense in my last sentence as he is now languishing in my walk-in fridge, hog-tied, with a delightfully juicy Bramley apple in his mouth and my Sous Chef is currently dressing him in a robust Honey and Almond marinade for the next 48 hours before we drop him off at Knowsley Safari Park in the Baboon Sanctuary with a Banana tightly fixed between his bum cheeks! Let's be honest now, he will get off lightly.

In the immortal words of Mr Bob Dylan...'the times they are a' changin' but is it really the way forward? Personally, I think not. I was trained in an 'Old School' manner...Chefs were treated with honour, integrity and most of all respect! Commis were treated with disgust, contempt and aggression but we all moved up the ladder and became personable people!

With all this New Age hullabaloo focusing on bullying in the work place, extensive sexual innuendo, abusive verbal communication and numerous other unpolitically correct scenarios I have found myself in a type of 'no mans land', forever searching for that true and righteous kitchen that still understands the hierarchy of kitchens past. If it wasn't for the Industry only God knows where I would be! More often than not I liken the old form of training to National Service. You do your time, take all the s**t that is slung your way and come out the other end a better person...hopefully!

The youth of today have a lot to learn about respect...especially for their elders and if National Service wont be brought back to the forefront then its time our schools did!!! Our Governing bodies have become so tangled up in being politically correct that they have lost sight of the hopes and dreams of our previous leaders and academics. They have lost sight of the fundamentals that make Great Britain a country of family values and National Pride! In short...send the kitchens of Great Britain your delinquent and wayward teenagers, We as a collective will sort them out!

And now the news...as I have been out of touch with recent events, you may have picked up certain events that I haven't so please be patient with me...

A Muslim catering manager has taken the Metropolitan Police to tribunal claiming he was racially abused and threatened with the sack for refusing to cook pork.

The 'Chef' in question refused to cook any pork products due to religious values and now he feels persecuted and discriminated against for his beliefs. Okay, lets start with the physical aspect...Michael Caines has one arm and holds Michelin stars and numerous Chefs have extreme allergies to certain foodstuffs (I do also), on religious grounds I can understand someone not wanting to handle produce that is against their beliefs, but to apply and be accepted for a position in a kitchen environment that caters for the general Police workforce, even if promised you would not have to cook certain produce, is pretty laughable! Who would have thought that the British Constabulary would like Bacon or Sausage sandwiches...Unheard of!!!

Welcome to the world of ever expanding 'no win. no fee' law practices! In my opinion...DEAL WITH IT!!!

Very sad news now as country house hotel Shendish Manor in Hemel Hempstead has become the latest hotel to be placed into administration.

The 70-bedroom hotel was refurbished in 2007, adding a new hotel wing with 52 rooms, but it has been hit by falling demand.

Loved by many, Shendish Manor has our full support and our thoughts are with the staff at this current point in time. Hopefully the new owners will honour their obligations as proprietors and also honour the advanced bookings by numerous customers.

On a lighter note and going back to my 'National Pride' comment, I was wonderfully surprised on my way into work on Friday when I drove into the town of Audlem which is in the delightful county of Cheshire.

On my entrance to said village, I noticed an abundance of Union Jacks in the form of flags flying and masses of bunting all leading to the centre point of the village in front of St James Church. A sight I have never seen before except in photos of Coronations and 'times gone by' street parties.

This exuberance marks the beginning of the Audlem Festival 09 which manifests itself every year and is becoming more and more popular as the years go by. Mainly a music festival the village people get geared up for an onslaught of revellers, including the locals, who descend on the many establishments in the area to sing and dance the night away to local groups and solo artists.

For FULL information go to, http://www.audlemfestival.com/

Never before have I seen such a Community organise an event with such vigour.

These wonderful affairs on a regular basis. Time to let Britain shine!!!

On that 'wafer thin mint' I must bid you... Nice one Son! (For 'Nice One Son' read whatever dialect you would use to say 'Goodbye'...must make sure I include everyone or I'm for the chopping block!!!

Blimey! goodnight my bread an' butter puddings. . Nuff said, yeah? All the best, innit!

Le Chef Grincheux

Cry Me A Gravy River

2009-02-12T23:55:00.005Z

Bonsoir mes fruits savoureux de la forêt!

First and foremost, I would like to thank all sympathisers and well wishers on my recent predicament. Your words of support are a tower of strength at present although that don't pay my bills and the Wife wants a new dining table with matching chairs.

For anyone that is interested, I am now currently employed full time again after 1 month of relaxation and family time followed by another 2 months of transient chef work around the country. Redundancy is an amazing leveller in our society.

Eventually I had to face the inevitable and 'sign on' at the local Department of Social Security which was certainly not a bundle of laughs I can tell you. Those of you that have been in similar predicaments will appreciate where I am coming from and those of you still claiming benefit must be lazy good-for-nothing graduates, sucking the country dry while pissing around trying to find work in astro-physics or micro-biology. Bet you are wondering why you went for that subject aren't you? Degree a waste of time? Can't find work? Well, I am always on the lookout for a Kitchen Porter and I hear McDonald's put a great deal into their Trainee Manager positions.

This week, I will be discussing many items, not necessarily in any particular order but at least you can keep guessing what will be coming up and if I miss anything out, it will give you something to look forward to in my next post.

First......a definition;

gra⋅vy [grey-vee]
–noun, plural -vies.

The fat and juices that drip from cooking meat, often thickened, seasoned, flavored, etc., and used as a sauce for meat, potatoes, rice, etc.

Let's begin. Okay, I love gravy as much as the next person but why-o-why do people insist on having an extra jug to completely smother there lovingly cooked meal? It completely drowns any flavour that was once there before and renders your dinner into a mass of glutenous brown stodge. What's more, you expect it for FREE!!! Do I go into a Bakers and ask for extra yeast in my Bloomer loaf? Do I venture into a sandwich bar, order a plain baguette, then ask if they wouldn't mind just lobbing in some Chicken, Sweetcorn and Mayo at no extra cost? Do I saunter into my nearest B&Q and purchase a brand new bathroom suite then expect them to throw in a couple of Lazee-Boy Armchairs just because I believe I am entitled to them?

The answer to the above questions is NO! I don't expect something for nothing. If I want something extra, I expect to have to pay for it. I'm not that impertinent. Not only does the ingredients cost money but someone has to make it and then there is gas and/or electric to consider, rent, waste disposal, council tax.....the list is endless.

Running a Catering Establishment costs money. It should not be a career or opportunity that you enter into lightly. Every customer is out to screw you in some shape or form. They will never appreciate the extravagance of overheads and refrigerator repair. This concept is beyond your average everyday punter. They couldn't care less if you have a gas leak or the roof is caving in. It's like "F**k You. Feed me and if its to damned expensive, I'm gonna sit in your restaurant and bitch and moan and complain at the top of my lungs in front of your customers until I get the reduction on my bill I 'BELIEVE' I am owed. Do you hear me? I pay your f*****g wages. NOW GET ME MY F*****G EXTRA GRAVY!"

Just for once, I would love to be able to retaliate at these cretins. I would love to explain in a calm and mild-mannered way that they may have extra gravy but it will cost a set amount as is dictated by my calculations which has to incorporate my costs, the business's cost and a small profit margin. I would make my speech clear and concise, with no room for mis-interpretation while pummeling said customers' head with a soup ladle. I'm sure that would work but I'm not allowed to do things like that anymore. The general public restraining order forbids me to leave my Kitchen through any door except the back where I am ushered to my waiting car by two very sturdy gentlemen in full body armor. As it is a long story I won't trouble you with details but the incident included a Carving Fork, 2 Smoked Kippers, a piece of al dente Linguine, a teaspoon and a copy of the Financial Times stuffed with Pizza Dough and covered in White Belgian Chocolate. Good times I tell you, good times!

Anyway, allow me to enlighten you. The Chef knows how much gravy or sauce or dressing you need! That is why he/she is the Chef. He/She has spent there entire working life learning how to cook, dress, plate, season and serve a culmination of items that reach you at the peak of perfection. Don't fuss with it just leave it alone. EAT! That is the only reason you are sitting in the restaurant. To eat and drink. Enjoy!

This weeks news is all really, really dire and depressing. Closures, insolvency and swine flu litter the papers and websites so instead, I thought I could have just make some up. Then I realised that there is a good chance I may get sued and I really cannot afford that. Not even if I use the word 'allegedly' over and over again. So no news this week I'm afraid.

Until next time my my little petit pois.

Le Chef Grincheux

Oh Woe Is Me!

2009-02-01T08:01:00.005Z

Bonjour mes peu d'ananas vitrés par sabyon!

I have grave news my fellow foodies. Just over a week ago the unthinkable, yet almost expected, happened to me. I was made redundant and had to leave my employer and my Staff to face the winter of discontent alone. The decision had to be made and unfortunately it was my turn for the chopping block. I hold no animosity or ill-feeling to my bosses or any other members of the Staff and I wish them all well. I hope that all will come good for them and the Pont-de-Barre will thrive once again. Good Luck Guys!

In our current economical climate, I am beginning to see a 'wind of change' in the way people dine. Where as before it was almost never an issue if you had a full 3 course meal with all the added extras, aperitifs, liqueur coffees, brandy and cigars e.t.c. Times have changed though and the Food Industry is beginning to see a dramatic shift in the way the country eats and drinks.

So as we move forward into 2009 and the recession begins to take hold, we are seeing a rise in the cost of produce, a rise in the cost of alcohol and the inevitable collapse of the Catering Industry as a whole. Having watched numerous companies fall at the feet of bankruptcy, mergers and takeovers, how long will it be until you find your local pub or restaurant fall at the hands of the economy? Many have already fallen foul to the "2 for 1" virus, despite the trade associations calling for calm and restraint. Is this really the way forward? Is the future of this Industry doomed to selling low-grade and sub-standard produce for a pound just so customers will grace their tables? Are we really losing the battle to the larger and more well known companies who can sell pints of beer and lager for 99 pence? The answer......It has already begun and a lot of privately owned restaurants, hotels and public houses have already crumbled under the pressure putting many in debt and many others in search of work!

As we watch our local eateries fall into a state of despair, we would hope for some words of wisdom from the very people who have help contribute to high produce prices and spend thrift customers. Many and baying for some sort of guidance from the ageing Messiahs, but to no avail. No words of encouragement, no shoulder to cry on and no ear turned in the direction of our plight. I speak, as always, of our 'gracious and God-like' Celebrity Chef!

To be quite honest, I am dumbstruck. For years now these Culinary Buddhas have been torturing and mangling our brains for vast wads of cash, but when we need them the most they are nowhere to be seen. Oh......my apologies, they are on the TV but how are they assisting in this crisis?

Well, 'Mockney Boy' is currently taking on the EU over Pork and is pushing the price over and above an acceptable cost. This will then have an effect on every other meat and will push their prices even higher than before. The 'Poisoned Dwarf' is licking his wounds after having to shut down one of his pubs, The Greyhound, and has also seen a slump in the price of his 'knife collection' in most major stores. I actually bought three sets and use them for opening my mail, screwdrivers and opening tins of paint and varnish. Chef Ramsay appears to be in more difficulty than he is letting on with the rumour of severe financial problems and the possibility of being prosecuted by Companies House in relation to his accounts. Finally, and one that has really sent me reeling, is the new adverts of the Knorr Stocks Range. Marco, Marco, Marco......WHY??? I'm sure you don't need the money, but in promoting these products, you have signed a deal with a devil greater than yourself! For years you have promoted 'from scratch' cooking and now we see you using a product that is undoing all your good work.

As for the rest of our over-promoted cooks......where are they now when the Industry needs them the most?

Now the news and we start with some fantastic news.....

Luke Fredberg, TripAdvisor spokesman “The biggest and best dirtiest list is back, with TripAdvisor discovering that some hotels take the concept of offering dirt cheap rooms all too literally."

At last we will be able to discriminate correctly when choosing our city-based hotels. The return of the list is welcomed by many and will now name and shame the worst culprits of Health and Safety violations through reviews of their poor and unfortunate guests. Well Done TripAdvisor!

'Mockney Boy' is at it again and is urging Caterers to know the origin of its pork and the subsequent dishes that are produced from it. News Flash, 'Me dear old China Plate', it's called a PIG and has been around for some time, and that 'Me fluffy 'aired, Fireman Sam Role', is where Pork comes from!

And finally......On a lighter note, The Anstuthers Fish and Chip Shop in Fife, Scotland has won the award for 'Best Fish and Chip Shop in Scotland' for the forth year running. Not only that, but they have also been awarded the prestigious 'Best Fish and Chip Shop in Britain'. Congratulations to Robert and Alison Smith.

Our website is taking shape and is now looking almost reasonable. We expect it to be online to view within the next month or so. Anyone wishing to promote restaurants, hotels, blogs and anything else to do with catering please contact us either through the comments section or email us at chefgrincheux@googlemail.com.

On that crispy and light battered note......

Le Chef Grincheux

Twas The Night Before Xmas Service

2008-12-15T13:30:00.006Z

Bon après-midi mes batteurs joyeux de la Turquie !

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the kitchen,
Not a reindeer was stirring, not even poor Blitzen

The others were trussed up in the chiller with care,
And there hopes had been dashed with a telescopic glare

The Chefs were boozed up and snug on their tables,
While visions of turkeys danced in their fables

With jackets and ‘kerchiefs, and dark blue skull caps,
Were all washed and pressed and left in a stack

When up on the roof of the kitchen…a clatter,
They rose from their stupor to see what was the matter

Away through the door they stumbled together,
Apart from the Commis who had been tarred and feathered

The moon was now shrouded with dark clouds and fog,
And in the distance a howl from a lonesome old dog

On the roof they did spy a sleigh glowing bright,
All glittered and magical, “Oh my, what a sight”

But no driver or reindeer could be seen on the roof,
They all seemed to have vanished, disappeared...POOF!

Then all of a sudden, a voice boomed through the night,
And it was such a loud shout, that the Chefs got a fright

Hey Dasher, Hey Dancer, Hey Prancer and Vixen,
Oi comet, Oi Cupid, Oi Donder and Blitzen!

”Where are you, you bone idle bastards” he cried,
”Anymore of this nonsense and I’ll skin you alive”

But no answer arrived to this poor fat chaps yawp,
Nothing, nada, niente, nought!

With a rub of his nose and a sigh so distraught,
His head fell to his hands as if in deep thought

He looked at his watch, rubbed his white beard and ‘tache,
Sprinkled his magic dust and was gone in a flash

The Chefs stood stunned at what they had seen,
Unbelieving eyes transfixed by the whole scene

”Oh S**t” said the Sous “We’ve screwed Christmas this year”,
We’ve only gone and shot all of Santa’s f*****g reindeer”

They all turned to the Chef, a worried look in their eyes,
“This is your fault”, they said, “Though it’s not a surprise”

“You’ve been gunning for Rudolph for years!” they exclaimed,
“For years” they cried “You have been waiting to maim”

”That poor lovely reindeer with a nose so red,
You just couldn’t help yourself and lopped off his head”

“Oh for Gods sake” the Chef did retort,
”It wasn’t just me who was hunting for sport”

“You were all there too and if I remember correctly,
It was you my fine Commis who gutted his belly!”

“And you, my Sous Chef, with a smile on your face,
Removed his red nose and cooked it with mace!”

Then all of a sudden, an old man appeared,
And there stood next to them, a man they all feared

Not Satan, nor Judas or that guy from X Factor,
But the man they call Cringle, a demonic looking Santa

The crew cowered in his presence, there were no more excuses,
They had butchered his reindeer, but they had their uses

“Now”, yelled Santa, in his red and white suit,
“Who will pull my sleigh and deliver this loot?”

“Because of your antics, no children will see,
All the presents, made by the elves, under their trees”

“Considering all of my reindeer were slain,
There is only one justice, here, their reins”

And as quick as you like the Chefs had been muzzled,
To be very honest they were looking quite puzzled

With more magic dust and a kick up the ass,
They were hooked up to the sleigh, Santa just laughed

“This will teach you”, he said with a grin,
He reached for his whip, “Let the punishment begin!”

And as Santa drove the Chefs into the night,
They all knew that they were deep in the sh*te

When Christmas morning came to the restaurant in question,
There were no Chefs, no turkey or festivities to mention

Just silence and peace, a fitting end to our story,
After the slaughter, blood and guts that were so gory

But simmering in a pan of clarified butter and mace,
An item that no one could ever replace

A nose, still red, and glowing so bright,
Filleted from Rudolph, just the other night!

Chers lecteurs de Joyeux Noël. Ayez l'amusement!

Le Chef Grincheux

My Winter Hiatus or 'Oh Holy Crap!"

2008-11-10T11:11:00.005Z

Bonjour mes amandes légèrement blanchies!

A long time has past my effervescent eggplants, but fear not! In true Chef style......I have my excuses and explanations at hand! So sit back, relax and get comfy on your favorite sofa......

There was an earthquake, a tidal wave, a monsoon and then Hurricane Latte Grande demolished my caboose! What a hiatus though....so much has happened in our ever-revolving existence. Our Government is trying to collapse the job market from the inside out like a cheap microwave, Chef Ramsay is possibly going to loose his Chelsea restaurant Foxtrot Oscar ( apparently that stands for 'Formerly Occupied' but I could be wrong ) and CAMRA have warned that due to beer price increases, more pubs will close......Well, instead of combing their last Steak and Ale Pie from there beards and moaning about the temperature of the last pint of Black Sheep consumed, they should get off their lard-arses and do something about it! Like have a bath, a shave and try a Wine Bar or Bistro! Times have moved on Boys...stop looking like an extra in a Time Team Special and get up-to-date! ( For all my European, American and Worldwide Friends, if you are not sure about this, believe me, its all quite funny! )

Well...I guess we have to touch upon the recent unpleasantness of Chef Ramsay's extra-marital activity! I believe the count is up to 3 Mistresses, not to mention his Wife Tana! There is one thing that puzzles me......How in Hell did the Man have time????? Ramsay Holdings has 25 Restaurants in its portfolio, 24 Michelin Stars scattered throughout those restaurants, he has numerous Media shows and award ceremonies, Kitchen Nightmares (although the American Version has recently been cancelled in light of the accusations), his Cook-a Long show and I am sure that the Bookers Conglomerate will be putting him in adverts soon! So....where does the man find the time?

Personally, I work between 12-16 hours per day! So that leaves me with, on average, 10 hours. 5 of those hours are spent sleeping. One hour is spent driving to and from work. 30 minutes is taken up with coffee breaks and 30 mins is taken up with various amounts of shouting at kitchen staff and morons. Two hours, if I am lucky is taken up with Family time and the remaining hour is the one single, solitary hour i have for myself!

Chef Ramsay has built his career on aggression, verbal abuse of his staff and sometimes, and this may shock you, even his cooking! But one of the main reasons he has become as big as he is now......is the fact he is portrayed as a Family Man. A hard, rugged, ego-tistical, no nonsense Chef at work, but a light-hearted fun-loving family man at home. What a way to create publicity....even the French agree! Though they bloody would!

I think there is a question to be asked......Is it true? Who knows? A sure fire way to answer that is in the lead up to this mornings papers...Almost every newspaper, on the front page, has been following the Mumbai issues.....devastating news! Only one, that i know of hasn't....The Sun/News of the World! You be the judge!

Once again......it is THAT time of year again! This time though, things are different. For the Catering Industry, Christmas is not a time to be jolly. Most eateries are trading down on Christmas Bookings and a number of establishments are remaining closed for the most festive day of the year! Rises in food costs, wages and fundamental bills, like Gas and Electric, have forced many owners and managers to not only close, but close for good! An average of 3 Pub/Restaurants are closing per day! That's a colossal amount! Not to mention the loss of jobs.

The Industry is in a state of uncertainty and despite the good wishes of the major players who seem to be throwing up more hotels and restaurants every day, the smaller, lesser known pub companies and private restaurateurs are getting hit more and more with inflated costs.

We are in a downward spiral, my melancholy maroon chestnuts, and if you are really unlucky, you might find yourself having Chipmunk Roasting on an Open Fire.

Altogether Now!!! (to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

So.....on that delightful note and knowing that all the Ray Mears' associated gifts that you will receive this year.....

Til next time......Fumisterie de Bah

Le Chef Grincheux

A Spanish Sabatical

2008-09-13T21:25:00.005+01:00

Buena tarde mis gambas condimentadas sabrosas y blandas!

O, to be back upon the shores of this green and pleasant land we call Home! All I can say, is that since the Balearic's and Spain adopted the Euro as currency, they have had only one objective......to screw the British out of whatever cash they have brought with them. Then charge 0.83 cents to the British Pound when you have to withdraw money from one of their 'convenient' Banque Marcs'!

The bus driver seemed to think the Monte Carlo rally had moved to the quiet resort of Camp de Mar. I have never in my short existence, seen driving such as this! On a road wide enough to accommodate a VW Beetle, he managed to manoeuvre a two storey bus through the streets of Palma Nova and Magaluf narrowly missing hundreds of party-goers, pine trees and road signs. He managed all this at a minimum speed of 40 MPH and was forced to reverse only when he reached the numerous Strip Joints which were located on the second floor, on a junction and had glass frontage so that rear views were available to him self and any passengers on the left-hand side of the vehicle......So can we all 'give it up' for the Nigel Mansell of the Bus World. Thank you!

Once acclimatised to the heat, bugs and cost of living we ventured into a Supermarket where you begin your delightful journey at the start of the smoked, cured and cooked meats section?? Bloody why, its not Germany! We do not go around wolfing down schnitzel yelling "Mine lieder hosen est fallen doune!". We certainly don't have a liking for World Domination either. Every German I encountered abroad seemed to be promoting a car manufacturer, wore ridiculously over-sized shorts and sported a moustache Mussolini would be proud of.

Another thing on holiday, if you have teenage children, please, for the love of Cliff Richard, do not let them wear the new fashion accessory that has hit the streets as fashion jewelery. I can put up with almost every Chav-tastic abomination; Dolphin tattoos that appear to have been drawn by a 2 year old using old felt-tip pens , lip and belly button piercings, tattered Baseball Caps and T-shirts with pointless slogans. Although, things have now taken a seriously bad road... Rosary beads!

For the love of Mother Theresa, have some respect! If you ain't gonna use them, then don't wear them. My Wife asked a young colleague if he was Catholic the other day when she had noticed he was wearing a light mahogany-coloured set of Rosary. He replied 'Oh these......I got seven pairs, I'm not Catholic, it's just that my Dad makes them in Prison. Looks good, don't they?'. Imbecile.

Now, to the Food. It was as you would expect from most standardised restaurants. Catering for all and sundry is really the only way to describe it. Mass produced Chicken Curries, Omlettes and Lasagnas. Basic grub for the undiscerning diner. throw into the mix the usual suspects of Paella and Chateaubriand (only ever for two people), Sangria with more fruit than an orchard, the 'free' bread rolls with either aioli or green olives and olive oil and the obligatory sweet liquor with your bill and you have a Culinary experience equivalent of eating at McDonald's or your local Pub.

Why do most restaurants serve this food when people should be experiencing with different flavours and cultural dishes not available in their home town? When I am away from my comfort zone of French/British Cuisine, I want to experiment not gulp down Pizza or Spaghetti Bolognase. Leave the Chicken Goujons to the Schools, let's starting enjoying something new.

So, to sum up my 'relaxing' holiday. Damn expensive, crap food, painful mosquito bites, bloody Germans, 'speed' restaurants and to hot. We are going to Wales next year!

Now....the News. Major kudos to Chef Marcus Wareing for escaping the clutches of Ramsey Holdings and venturing out into the big, wide world to take on The Berkley. The acclaimed restaurant which holds 2 Michelin Stars has recently been described by one critic as "the best restaurant in London" and is apparently "as good as it gets". Personally, I don't think it will be to long before that 2 Star restaurant will hit 3 Stars, the highest accolade any Chef can expect to attain.

In regards to the blog, things have been moving slowly, even slower with the website......but progress will resume shortly. I have been working on a future competition on the FoodBuzz network which has been taking up most of my spare time and energy. As I'm sure you have noticed, I have succumbed to the ever popular 'advertising' of another website on my main page. All I can say for that is "Sorry", if you get a chance, visit the FoodBuzz site. It's not as bad as it seems.

Meanwhile, life moves on and I will be back soon as the Winter season approaches and time will become readily available.

Until then......

Le Chef Grincheux

Press Play......NOW!

2008-09-01T23:14:00.002+01:00

Bonsoir à vous tous, mes tartlets tomberry scrumptious et savoureux !

There is an incandescent light at the end of that exceedingly long and arduous tunnel that is the School Holidays. Eight weeks of shear Hell on toast and it is now almost over. In just over 24 hours, the waifs will be back at their re-inforced chairs and tables behind double-glazed windows with only their teachers to control and hear them. No more juveniles scampering around the restaurant like it was some outdoor adventure playground. Never again (well, at least until October break) will I hear screaming toddlers and babies crying in unison and drowning out the thrash metal music I have taken to listening to during these distressing times ( I don't like that sort of music, but I thought it would drown the high pitched sound of the youngsters......they just seem to be able to tune in to the high notes and sound just like the 'singers' in these bands causing my ears to bleed and finally my brain to implode. I now also seem to have a disturbing penchant for ritual sacrifice, face painting and smashing the living crap out of pots and pans with wooden spoons. Time to go back to my Soft Rock, Hed Kandi and anything by Blue Man Group I think! ).

Which brings me to this weeks 'discussion'!

"If Music be the food of Love, then play on". If Shakespeare were alive today, I would personally deliver a message and that message would be that he is a blithering idiot! Music is not the food of Love. Music was designed and made with Chefs in mind. I know, I know, I struggled with this revelation also but it is true. Chefs cannot and will not survive without Music. It is one of the staples of the Chef diet. No Music, no food. It is that simple. In my Kitchen I have three means of satisfying my desire for the elevating sounds of which I cook to. I have a main CD/radio, a small and compact portable stereo set up in my Pastry Room and an Apple iBook conveniently placed close to my section of the Kitchen where I can indulge in my own obscure tastes of Music, Film and, if all is quiet on the Western Front, surf the Web.

My Staff hate my Music! I love that. It means I have that balance right. So when I am not there, they love being in the Kitchen. It makes them happy, which in turn makes me happy as they work better when I am away. They can listen to whatever they want and I don't have to put up with Classic FM or Radio 'bloody' One.

I have to thank Chef Anthony Bourdain for this in a way. After reading 'Kitchen Confidential', ( available from Amazon at around £5 ), he tuned me into his passion for NYC Punk music from the seventies. The New York Dolls, The Stooges, Dead Boys and Richard Hell and the Voidoids are bands I would never had come across unless I had read His Book. There are many other Chefs I have to thank also. Colin for his introduction to The Smiths and Alternative Eighties, Matt for promoting Drum and Bass during the mentally crippling busy nights and my Father for everything else. My Dad ain't a Chef, but he sure knows his 'Choons'!

So where would the customers be if no Music was played in Commercial Kitchens? Buggered, that's where. No Chef in his right mind would have a calm Kitchen. In fact, I adjust my Music during service just to make sure the right song is playing at the right time. It's almost an art form. In the morning, when I wake, I think about which Specials I will do for the discerning diners, then I make myself a very strong cup of coffee and after that I sit down at my PC and record the Music I will need for that day. Chill out for the quieter days and more upbeat Music for the weekends. It is an integral part of my time which borders on ritual or quite simply O.C.D!

Without Music in Kitchens, there would be no Food. Music helps create Food. So, to correct Mr Shakespeare, "If Music be a contributing factor to the Love of Food, then play on". Case rested and now it's time for Tea.

It is with great regret that I must tell you that I will be on Holiday next week and that my darling wife is refusing to let me take my precious laptop with me! She seems to think that Holidays are far more important than my regulars here at Who Dares Cooks. I am trying to rectify this situation, but to no avail, so far. Maybe a shopping trip will warp her mind enough? Who knows, we will just have to wait and see. I will try my hardest my Culinary Cookies, but just in-case I fail, remember I will be back the week after and prepare yourselves for a Spanish Rant!

Now the News......

If you have been perusing the Telly Box recently, you might seen a little program called 'Rogue Restaurants'. It exposes the Health and Hygiene standards of some very large Pub Companies running your average restaurants, most likely in your area. So far the Yates and Punch Groups have been targeted which has resulted in many Chefs and Front of House Management being fired due to negligence and extremely bad hygiene standards. Do yourself a favour when in these nationwide corporate houses of boil-in-the-bag products and demand to see the Kitchen. You have the right! Grasp it with two hands. You may get a shock!

Hell’s Kitchen winner Terry Miller has been forced to close his Tyneside restaurant as a result of the credit crunch, it emerged today.

The Geordie chef, winner of the show in 2005, opened Rockafella in Newcastle using his £250,000 prize money.

However, Miller’s daughter told the BBC that tough economic conditions had lead to the decision to close down the venture and concentrate on the family’s catering business instead.

I feel for him. It has become a very different world for the owners of restaurants, hotels and general foodie eateries this year. The 'Credit Crunch', that is apparently a figment of our imaginations, has struck hard at the Catering Industry. We only hope it will get better soon. Here's hoping......

I have a quest for you all this week. Not only Chefs, but for you all! I would like to know which musical track spurs you on when cooking in the Kitchen! Don't be shy now. We seem to have a lack of commenter's here and that is very worrying. Chef Sturgeon, Chef Watson, Cyst Bovine and Grumps, I'm looking in your direction! No pressure of course. :)

Well, until next time ( unless the missus caves in about the laptop )......

Bonne Nuit mon épi de maïs culinaire!

Le Chef Grincheaux

Bitter and Twisted

2008-08-25T23:21:00.004+01:00

Bonsoir mes rillets merveilleux de jambon!

I dislike Bank Holiday Mondays! In fact, to be a little more precise, I loathe, despise and detest them. If Bank Holiday Mondays' were an entity in their own right, I would make it my life long ambition to render their existence obsolete. Gently gutted, filleted and then slowly braised......no, quickly seared over an excruciating high heat, flamed with Louis XIII Brandy, a dash of Lea and Perrins, a few succulent Green Peppercorns and finally lashings of Devonshire Double Cream, reduced to perfection. (Pont Neuf Potatoes and luscious Baby Vegetables on the side).

Why were these holidays invented? Banks don't open enough at the best of times, so why do they need more time to be shut? There is usually only ever one teller at the window while the others sit around comparing their latest St Tropez Tan, Males included! At Christmas when you go to do your banking it smells like the whole office has just bought shares in Lynx toiletries. I will never go banking on a Wednesday where I live as they do not open until 10am due to "Staff Training" and then they are only open till 2pm as it is half-day closing!!! I honestly thought we had left the 19Th Century over 200 years ago......my mistake! Now I must go and light my lantern before I continue as the daylight is fading fast and my Internet server has to wind up its generator, so with the lantern I will be able to see even though my screen will dim for a short time. God Bless modern technology......Which reminds me, I must replace the Hamster that powers the printer or I will be completely buggered.

Its not just the Banks that wind me up, its the Shops, Supermarkets, Petrol Stations and my Suppliers that annoy me also. You don't get Gordon Ramsay saying to his many restaurants, " Look Chaps, it's a Bank Holiday on Monday, take the day off and spend time with family, visit your loved ones, have a BBQ with close friends and relatives, but most of all, have great fun ". Of course you bloody don't!

So why do these 'extended weekends' mean so much to us? To the general Public, its an excuse to eat, drink and be merry. So what would you do if, God forbid, the Government took Bank Holidays away? Would you join the thousands upon thousands of minions and, let's be honest, sheep and petition Westminster? Or would you accept your fate and agree that they are a pretty damn stupid excuse to get pissed and cause grief to the Chefs that work their kahonas off in unbearable heat for ludicrous requests like, " Can I have my Tuna Steak pink, or I will send it back!", " Why don't you have Quorn Burgers? Us Vegetarians is what is making this cooking lark profitable! " and, my favourite, " What's Mango Tout when it's at home? Is it some sort of fish 'cause I don't eat fish, it's bad for ya! ".

For information only, the patron that requested her Tuna pink, received exactly that......She sent it back because it was not well done!? The patron that queried the 'Mango Tout' was extremely embarrassed when he was informed that 'Mange Tout' was a vegetable and not an inhabitant of the North Sea. Finally, the 'Quorn Burger Vegetarian' was treated like a Bank Holiday Monday, although I did throw in some celery and shallots to keep Him happy. I do not like to see unhappy customers, but unfortunately for Him, I bloody hate Vegetarians. Sorry!

As for Staff on the holy day that is a Bank Holiday......Well, that is for next weeks post.

So, as I am sure you have noticed, Monday is the new day for posting. My days off have changed, so, therefore, the postings will now be on Monday instead of Sunday. If you usually read the post on Monday then it will not affect you and if you usually read them on Sunday, then you will have to wait. Unless, that is, I post on a Sunday because I am particularly annoyed, in which case this is all completely irrelevant and doesn't matter at all. Confused? Me too.

In the News this week......Quite a few things happened, then not much else. Although, due to current figures, we seem to be eating in more often as Supermarket Sales rose by 3% while the Industry as a whole dropped by 8%. Yet, as stipulated by the Government and Gordon 'My hands move just like Tony Blair's' Brown, there is no Credit Crunch and everything is nice and peachy. Obviously the Prime Minister has moved from 10 Downing Street into Willie Wonkas Chocolate Factory!

So, 'there is no life I know too compare with pure imagination'. Nice one Gordy!

One last thing before I go, the Website is slowly taking shape. I am excited! Just got to get the hang of this 'coding' lark and everything should fall into place. Just like the time Gordon Brown took over as Prime Minister or when Anthony Worrall Thompson (Poisoned Dwarf) thought it would be a good idea to encourage the Public to eat a toxic plant called Hen bane. Apparently getting confused with the herb Weed Hen Fat! The Healthy and Organic Living's website - who published the interview - were forced to publish an urgent warning about the advice saying: "hen bane is a very toxic plant and should never be eaten."

What an Idiot!

On that note my snozberries prospères......

Le Chef (Oompa Loompa) Grincheux

The Younger Generation

2008-08-18T10:33:00.002+01:00

Bonjour mes escargots de mer fermentants!

The Youth of today need a damn good short, sharp kick in their posteriors! Obviously not content with mugging old age pensioners, spray painting structures on a whim, getting pregnant, drinking vast amounts of alcohol, getting pregnant again and victimizing anyone stupid enough to actually point out that they are being wee B******s, these hoodie hooligans feel the need to work for a living is beneath them.

After recently taking on a young go-getter in the position of Commis Chef, I realised that giving opportunities to the younger generation made my job a little bit more worthwhile. Passing on recipes, skills and trade secrets was actually exciting me. It was a joy to explain the five cuts of vegetables, why you put a dash of vinegar into a pan while poaching an egg and the finer points of towel whipping fellow workers.

Then, of course, he began to turn up late for work, blaming buses and road works. An acceptable excuse I suppose. In the end, he didn't turn in for work yesterday putting pressure on the Kitchen and its many hard working bodies. After interrogating my Kitchen Porter by way of towel-whippings, mushroom missiles and the threat of some serious hugging, he divulged that said Commis had been out drinking with him the night before until 3am. For a brief moment, my mind wandered. I remembered past exploits of a personal nature. Early morning breakfast shifts after two hours sleep, mid-afternoon naps under kitchen benches using sacks of flour as pillows and drinking gallons of espressos' and energy drinks, sometimes even both together.

Now if I could do all the late night parties and nightclubs before starting work the next day, why on earth can't these youngsters? I still cannot sleep till gone two in the morning and I can still make it in looking and smelling fresh as a daisy and I expect my staff to be able to do the same. It's really not that difficult, yet these whipper-snappers find it difficult actually setting their alarm clocks, getting out of bed, dressing themselves properly and making way to their place of employment without any help from their mums'! Who do these bloody kids think they are?

Well, they are the future and that scares the bejeezus out of me! To think I will be putting my pension years in the hands of young adults that wear jeans ten times bigger than a marquee, trainers that you could fit a family of asylum seekers in so as to send them back over the blustery North Sea and shape their hair so they look like Woody Woodpecker on a bad hair day!

So, when you have to work with these insolent, rooster-fied, cheeky and belligerent cretins, put your foot down. Especially if you run a Kitchen. I usually give my newly employed youngsters a small insight into the world of Catering by means of a little speech written for the fabulous series 'Chef' starring the amazing Lenny Henry as Gareth Blackstock, a Michelin-starred Chef on the brink of full-on mental collapse.

I give you......The Commis Chefs' Creed!

"I will work very long hours for very little money. In the Winter I will always be hot, in the Summer, even hotter still. In time my hands will develop a heat-resistant quality even NASA would be proud of. I am the lowliest of the low, but given the opportunity and by my own effort, I will become a valued member of the Team."

This little quote will give even the most eager recruit a few things to think about. If they then decide to carry on with the signing of a contract, they are ready and may the Force be with them......they will need it.

In the News this week......not much has happened!

Jusqu'à ce que nous rencontrions encore mes daikons délicieux!

Le Chef Grincheux

"Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho. It's Off To Work We Go"

2008-08-10T22:14:00.004+01:00

Bonjour mon peu gastro cuisiniers!

How are we all this fine Sunday? Sorry, couldn't quite hear you. How are we? Excellent. So I can begin......

Bloody Staff! Every week there is some problem which finds me either lending an ear to a disgruntled employee or up to my armpits in dishwater scouring the pots and pans I have just used to create another culinary masterpiece. EVERY WEEK! I now suffer from the shakes and cold sweats before I even arrive at my place of employment. I am a gibbering wreck when I walk through the Kitchen door, fearing the onslaught of "Chef, I've been sick" phone calls or excuses of late buses, accidents and the very popular, but extremely brazen and foolish, "I slept in".

This, dear Readers, is not good enough for my liking. It happens way to often, especially in this Industry. I have quite a simple outlook upon absenteeism by members of my Brigade. The only rule I have is that unless you have been stabbed, shot, mortally wounded or are pronounced dead, then I expect to see you full whites and checks, allowing for plaster casts e.t.c, on time and ready to work.

A Chef with a broken leg which has been plastered can still sit and peel numerous fruits and vegetables. "Ah", I hear you cry, "What if the Chef in question were to have a broken arm, which has been plastered. What of that Chef?" My answer is to the point and to hammer home the answer which emanates from my lips, I tell a little story.

Are we sitting comfortably......then I will begin.

Once upon a time, a young Junior Sous Chef named Pete, was on his merry way home from a night of supping Poteen (Mash Vodka). On his way home, extremely merry by now, he happened to fall into the re-inforced shop window of a local estate agent.

Perturbed by this involuntary action, as he calmly removed himself from a mangled heap on the floor to an almost upright position, he became aware of a mass of blood oozing from his left arm. The oozing turned to a spurt which, within Milli-seconds, became a flow of pure Claret. Pete had managed to sever a few veins and arteries in his arm, which was causing the now worryingly steady flow of the red stuff. Luckily for Pete, the friend with him was trained in the actions and repercussions of falling through plate-glass windows and with no hesitation, removed his belt, stopped the blood escaping from Pete's body and managed to call for the Emergency Services.

Pete was lucky. The fabulous Paramedics got to him in time. He was rushed to Hospital, given blood to replace the stockpile he had lost in his unfortunate 'accident', and was later that evening tucked into bed with a mug of hot chocolate. a copy of Jamie Oliver's latest book "Pukka Tukka, Mukka from the Mockney F****" and a vast amount of tranquillisers which could render a Rhino unconscious.

The point of this delightful story is coming, I assure you.

The next morning Pete's arm was placed in a big chunk of plaster and he was informed that he should not work for at least 2 months. Major surgery had saved his arm and the plaster would have to be on for 8 weeks with a scan and x-ray every 2 weeks to check on progress. Pete nodded. Compliant with the Doctor and Surgeon.

Three days later, Pete was back in the Kitchen. One arm in plaster, one arm working like a Trojan. His plastered arm was duck-taped to his chest so it wouldn't get in the way. He worked for the next 2 months, six days a week, fifteen hours a day. He became a Legend, and his story is still told by myself and many others. I have never seen such dedication, determination or sheer stupidity since that day.

The End.

Now let us catapult ourselves back to the present day. Lunch hours, coffee breaks and the ever popular split-shifts scenario do not apply to this Trade. When you become a Chef, you fore-go the Working Time Directive. Like Hanger 18, the Man in the Moon and a Souffle Pump......it does not exsist. You will work as and when you are told. You will not moan, cry, shout, jump up and down screaming "I am tired" or "I have to have a break, it's the Law". There is no Union you can turn to and even if there was, they wouldn't blink an eye. It is how it is. Get used to it, because if you struggle with your first day of being pushed from pillar to post, shouted at and mentally abused then it is time to hang up the standard issue apron and walk out the door. You will never get used to it.

Forrest Gump was wrong and so was his Mama. Life is not like a box of chocolates. You do know what your going to get due to the piece of card on the top of the chocolates and by reading the fine print listing the chocolates and ingredients on the back of the box. You join this Industry, you better be prepared for all that comes with it. It ain't pretty, sociable or easy. It's hard graft and it will break you, but, you will become accustomed to it and you will succeed if you want to. Long Live The All-Day Shift!

Great news my fellow foodies, I now have a website! Still under construction though and will hopefully be ready within the next four weeks. My Blog will continue as normal even after the site is up and running.

One thing I have noticed recently is the lack of comments! Do not be afraid my dears! Grumpy Chef Groupies......where have you gone? I feel abandoned! Comments help Blogs to move forward. Not happy about something, let me know. Happy about something, then let me know. I write for myself, yet others enjoy reading it and that makes me happy.

And finally......the News.

Two companies, Cains and Food and Drink Group, have called in the Administrators this week. It is starting my wonderful Woodcocks'! The beginning of the End for the Pub Industry. Yet the larger groups are not only seeing a fantastic profit, but are building more Hotels, Casinos and even Restaurants. Why? Answers on a postcard please!

Bonne nuit mes soufflés de fromage légers

Le Chef Grincheux

Letting Go......

2008-08-07T02:02:00.001+01:00

......and tonight, I let go.

Dear Eddie and Heather,

May God Rest You In Peace. Forever In Our Thoughts.

Craig, You Will Never Be Alone.

Bonne nuit mes chocolats chauds de consolation. Puits de sommeil !

Le Chef Grinchux

Chav-Tastic!

2008-08-03T23:40:00.002+01:00

Bonsoir ma crevette délicieusement sensible de Devilled!

It has been far to long my little cupcakes. I must, once again, thank you all for your patience. My working Summer has begun and it is filled with all the miscreants, chavs, scallys and neds that seem to roam this beautifully globally-warmed and gently basted world we call Home. It is also, with great regret, that they too call this world their Home and that is a general shame for most inhabitants struggling to survive on this wonderful planet.

So this first message goes out to all the trailer-trashing, nedified, scally-blooded, woolyhat wearing, trackies-tucked-into-socks, baseball capped, hoodie morons......For the love of God......Please do not ever step foot outside of your homes again. For pity's sake. The off-licence is cheaper and a burger from he local Kebab shop will cost less than the one you are trying to share between three of you. The small china dishes you have received with your accompaniments are not bloody ashtrays......neither are the glasses you just finished your last WKD Blue from. Nor, my dear ruffians, are you to relieve yourself on anyone elses car, except your own. Nor do you turn to the Chef and shout, from the other end of the bar, "Oi, Fella. Can you put gravy and cheese on me chips, mate? You know, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink? Forget the salad and how about a couple of rashers of bacon mate?"

My reply was quite simple. It was courteous, well thought, polite and yet to the point so that an imbecile could comprehend. "F*** O** t* M*******s, you miss informed rapscallion! These are local burgers for local people! Away with you, your girlfriend, your six children, father-in-law, uncle, auntie, aunties' second-cousin, the bloke you met up with earlier in town today, and your three bull terriers!"

As I sit here nursing a black eye, dislocated pinkie and a collection of slight injuries, I believe my answer should have been, "Of course Madam, would you also like some Foie Gras collops and hand-shredded Gold Leaf with your Cheese and Bacon Burger? Maybe some Black Truffle Mayonnaise and HP Brown sauce would enhance your experience of Culinary perfection? Maybe even a robust Pernod and Blackcurrant sauce which could render you unconscious would ease your ever increasing urge for blood?"

The misconception that these types of people only come out at night is a fallacy! They are now everywhere. Usually milling around pubs with large beer gardens or Wilkinsons, loitering with intent on upsetting some random individual who just wanted a quiet day off, getting their messages for the week.

If you hadn't guessed already, my restaurant is full of them! Uneducated requests for extra gravy for a Steak and Ale Pie, only to have it sent back because they assumed that it had none. It cannot be made without Gravy! Only Chip Shops have to add the said sauce and they charge as well! There are TV programs and websites that will educate you on these things. Use them!

I try and I try. I try to educate the minions of this green and pleasant land and it seems to fall by the wayside. What can I do? At the current moment, the United States seems to be leading in this Industry......where is the honour in that?

When you look at it, it is the French that created the way we eat. The style, the order, the way we consume. You cannot deny them that accolade. It is written in Culinary History. We are taught it in Colleges, Schools and on-the-job training. I just wish someone would denounce this molecular gastronomy, stand-up for what is right and coax the general public back to the classics! The way we should eat......with our hearts and minds.

And, in the words of Jeremy Clarkson, its time for the News;

Dominoes Pizza Company will be enhancing your experience at their restaurants by enticing you with an open Pizza Theatre! A glass panel will be Incorporated to their restaurants so you can view your pizzas being made. It is their commitment to the fact that all their products feature fresh ingredients......I completely agree, I love to see a Chef, sweat dripping from his brow, onto my plate, before it served by a jumped up student who insists I give him a tip for carrying a plate and referring to me as "Pal"!

Also, within the foreseeable future, your children will be assessed on how obese they are at school. The new Government Legislation will chart the progression of a child's weight so as to inform the parents if the child is gaining a few pounds. There are too many routes I could take with this idiocy, so I will leave you to your own, fine judgement.

And again, in the immortal words of the Clarkson, "On that bombshell", it is time for me to bid you goodbye.

Au revoir mon poulpe légèrement chevronné de bébé. Until next time......

Le Chef Grincheux. xx

Taste Is Everything

2008-07-20T23:50:00.003+01:00

Bonsoir mes kakis patients!

It is extremely unfortunate that I begin my first post in numerous weeks with a slightly sombre tone. Recently, my mentor passed away. I have been rather insular since then, soul-searching if you will. The only way I could deal with this loss was to reminisce about times past with his wife and son, family members and work colleagues. He was a man of great pride, always up for a laugh, a fantastic husband, father, friend and mentor. He will be sorely missed and thought of often. Thank you Eddie.

What can I say? Summer is now upon us, although you would not realise it with the amount of rain and gale force winds battering the green and pleasant Cheshire countryside at the moment. My herbs, especially my Basil and Chives, have been hammered forcing me to buy them in from my fruit and vegetable supplier. An extra cost my Boss could do without. Bearing in mind that is without the increase in many other types of produce, meat just being one of them.

My busy time is now beginning. Hoards of ravenous locusts descending on the restaurant demanding well-done Mixed Grills, over-cooked Lamb specials and a jug of gravy with anything that could remotely have an actual flavour permeate my reality as well as my dreams
I recently had one customer tell me that they preferred a bought in, frozen pre-batterd ChipShop fish to the freshly caught and lightly battered Cod fillet we are currently selling. I would like to know how these people are brought up? Do they actually have buds to experience flavour and texture or is it that they are so used to the bought in crap that seems to plague the public houses of this green and pleasant land that they have forgotten how fish actually tastes?

As Chefs' we strive for perfection, no matter what we are cooking. We trial dishes, correct the seasonings and accompaniments and then place it on the menu knowing we have the balance right. We yearn for the average punter to taste what we taste. To appreciate the actual flavours of the dishes we produce without being smothered in condiments. When you next cook at home, buy a nice cut of fish or meat. Cook it correctly, meat toward medium at the most, and do not smother it in sauce . Eat it plain. Taste the flavour and then decide which produce would enhance the experience next time you cook it. Its almost like meditating, be at one with the food, caress it, nurture it and respect it.

I think I will leave it there for the time being. Just working my way back into the saddle. So I will leave you, hopefully not to disappointed, with the news.

Glasgow’s school children are being “driven away in droves” by healthy school meals, the head of the city’s catering has warned.

Fergus Chambers, executive director at Direct and Care Services, Glasgow City Council, told delegates at last week’s Local Authority Caterers Association that school caterers were losing out to local shops and takeaways.

Would you believe it? Why would this happen? After all, Glasgow has given us the deep-fried Mars bar, deep-fried half pizza and deep-fried kebab. I don't know about you, but where could they have gone wrong?

The Government is set to close the loophole that allows restaurants to use tips to make up the minimum wage, it was claimed today. Len McCluskey, Unite assistant general secretary, said:

“We welcome the decision by the Prime Minister to ensure that the principles of the minimum wage legislation are not betrayed by the practices of some employers who are solely interested in making a fast buck.

“There is now the opportunity for the Government to clean up the system and give consumers confidence that when they eat out the staff who serve them are being treated fairly.”

The system will never be clean! It is one of those Industries that relies on immigrants, students and young trainees to run the businesses and make money. How many of you, except people in the trade, either currently or before, even remember bothering with such trivial matters? Answers on a postcard to......

On that note, I must away. This post has been short and sweet......just be glad it was!

Special thoughts go out to parfitt who had noticed I had not been around for a while. Thanks for the kick up the arse!.

Until then......

Le Chef Grincheux

"Remember Me With A Smile" - Mr E. McKenzie (4th July 1944 - 2nd June 2008)

A Scottish Sabatical

2008-06-30T16:28:00.003+01:00

Salutations mes pâtés en croûte de pomme appétissants!

Fear not my my gently poached poissons! I am still here, a bubbling and smouldering pot of sarcasm brimming over with the edge with a sprinkling of contempt for the Industry.

I have recently been on sabatical in the Outer Hebrides, foraging for flora and fauna on an exciting adventure/ramble type course (just in case Gordon Brown does carry on as Prime Minister and we end up having to eat our own garbage and Spit-roasting urban foxes to get some form of nutrients). I have been learning about the different types of poisonous mushrooms, how many different meals you can make from just one squirrel and how it can be possible to marry your Uncles' Sons' Daughters' Daughter without anyone finding out that it is actually a sheep called Doris!

I will be back on Sunday with another look at the 'Death' of an Industry as it cowers beneath its bedsheets, gripping its pillow and waiting for the rude awakening it has been expecting......involvement from the Government!

Until then......

Le Chef Grincheux

A Staff Oddity

2008-06-22T21:17:00.005+01:00

Bonsoir mes hocks de jambon vitrés par muscavado!

Hurrah! At last. An uneventful week. No impromptu journeys to either Hospitals or other Countries. No more worries for the foreseeable future in regards to staff. In fact, I now have too many staff. Okay, they are not trained Chefs but......alright, they are not Chefs, but that is okay! To be absolutely and completely honest, I could not wish for a better Brigade at the current moment. Sure they have their flaws (like we all do) and of course they are not trained to a level or standard I would usually expect (as I always do). I prefer to call these minuscule flaws by a different name. Lets call them quirks. That sounds much better, my staff are slightly quirky.

I believe the majority of them are late almost every day, now that does not ruffle my feathers......Well, actually, it does. A few of them find it hard to retain the slightest piece of information and I care not a jot about repeating myself over and over again like a demented parrot......Well, to be truly honest, that does push my buttons a few times a day and I can get a tad irate about that. Sometimes they call me by my first name which......Bugger It, that really does p**s me off! In fact, all the above 'quirks' do. They may not be trained but they could show a little respect and show up on time and even my daughter knows the fundamentals of cooking and she is only 3 years old! As for the first name terms business, well, I haven't worked half my existence on this planet to be called by my first name! I have had to work damned hard to earn my title and that means, when at my place of work I am to be known by one name and one name only. That name is CHEF! They can even call my all the most blasphemous names under the sun, as long as the word 'Chef' is at the end of the sentence, I don't mind. Insult me, that's fine, but show some respect while your doing it!

When I was a young Plongeur/Trainee Chef, I daren't breath the wrong way. Even the Commis was higher than I was. Days were hard and nights were even harder. "Fetch this" and "Fetch that" would echo in my ears during the night terrors I started to suffer from. Years of mental and physical abuse have left scars, I can tell you. You never forget the first Jacket Potato that has been launched at you by an egotistical and angry Chef de Partie. You don't forget because it exploded into the back of your neck and you can still see a slight splatter mark when you are looking in the mirror at your latest brandings and slashes after a busy weekend service.

I must quickly just throw in a note of interest for you, dear reader. Chefs are not vain people! It is true that when we go out on the town that we like to look our best. We have to. We look like last weeks rubbish most of the week, so we put the effort in when we hit the tiles and strut our stuff at the local dance hall. The only time I have known a Chef to be proud of the slices, cuts, brandings, scars, burns and amputations is always in the presence of others Chefs'. We trade battle-scars if you like. It is a competition. Who has the largest and most gruesome scar. Pathetic......Yep! Necessary......Damn Right!

As for being late, well, lets just say that I don't believe there are many reasons to be late. I never thought I would hear myself say this but back in my day you were in thirty minutes before you were due to start work. That gave me fifteen minutes to make the coffee for the other Chefs, have breakfast, have a cigarette and get changed. The next fifteen minutes were spent getting my section set up, collecting heat cloths from the laundry room, sharpening my knives and making sure I had filled my stainless steel thermos with coffee (just in case I couldn't take a break later). Every staff member had their heads down and were working before the Head Chef even arrived in the car park. God help you if you were lagging behind. If you were even seen to be slacking, then the Sous Chef was always on hand to either shout obscenities at you, throw a large blunt object in your direction or, if nothing happened at that moment, you would be reminded of it later with a late night finish helping the kitchen porters or a good attempted rogering with a whole Salmon, head first. Those were the days of innocence. I remember them well.

Years ago, in a kitchen, you had to be able to retain as much information as possible. To forget or let a task or order slip by, could be a fatal mistake. You learnt to adapt to hearing three different voices shouting numerous tasks and orders. When your everyday punter has several orders shouted at them, you will usually get the first and last orders answered correctly. A Chef, on the other hand will multi-task, take every command in, take a millisecond to determine which command is the most important and then act accordingly, assimilating the order of the other commands as he/she continues with the first. A natural talent? No, a survival technique. Get it wrong and you will soon be experiencing the pain and suffering of the blunt objects, coarse language and hot foodstuffs being thrown in your general direction again.

This neat little trick of evaluating the order of commands comes in very handy within a commercial kitchen environment. Unfortunately, my staff have never worked in a proper kitchen environment which makes my job a little harder. "Example", I hear you cry. Well, today I asked for my small tub of Risotto from my walk-in fridge and it didn't arrive......instead......I got an egg. So, in retrospect, I should really have asked for an egg! How silly of me.

Joking aside, I have a lot to thank my staff for. They pulled together when my Father was ill and I was called away to Scotland to be at his bedside. They covered me when I had my daughter during the afternoons and they generally put up with everything I throw at them......literally! In fact, they put up with a hell of a lot and work as hard as possible. Each one of them doing the job required to the best of their ability. Which I must admit, is a very high standard. Even my Boss has the odd night working the pass and he is getting quick!

So a great big thank you to all of my Brigade. THANK YOU! I think highly of you all and thanks for putting up with me.

The end is nigh my succulent lemon sorbets and I must bid you Adieu, Auf Wiedersehen and Goodbye once again.

I leave you with the news that restaurants, fish and chip shops and the like will soon be requested to display nutritional value of their dishes on their menus. Its like a runaway train all this healthy eating and watching what we put in our mouths. I'm sure when I joined this Industry it was to cook, not be sat with test tubes and bunsen burners working out nutritional values and fat content. Bloody stupid. Also, McDonalds is set to increase prices on certain items on their menus due to the rise in produce. The 'one price fits all' strategy seems to be costing them a little more than a burger with cheese since their produce costs rose by 5%. What a damn shame. maybe the McDonalds restaurants in the UK should start using local produce as suggested by certain Chefs. Then lets see how easy it is to run a fast food joint.

On that note......

Le Chef Grincheux

Waiting For My Leprechaun!

2008-06-15T23:51:00.003+01:00

Bonsoir mes dorades subtilement assaisonnées !

How are you all? Here we are again with another twisted, 'through the looking glass' view of an Industry on its knees, begging and pleading not to be taken over by large conglomerates, TV corporations or Jamie 'The Mockney' Oliver and his fellow cooks.

I would be over-whelmed with joy if I could say that is has been an uneventful week. A quiet and serene time of inner-thought, soul searching and plenty of down-time to recuperate from my fathers incarceration in an NHS hospital. Unfortunately, it has been a week of busy services, staff shortages and my Father's re-admission into another NHS hospital. While on the subject of hospitals and the staff within, I would like to thank all the Staff Nurses, Doctors, Surgeons, Consultants and the 'God-like' Senior Consultants for looking after my Father so well, that he nearly did not want to leave!

Special thanks to Mr Boom, who realised that the remedy to my Father's ailment only required a dab of Silver Nitrate and to Mr Richards who took pity on an old gent just wanting get home to his own armchair with a cup of his favourite brand of tea and a KitKat.

From myself and my family, we thank you with peace and love in our hearts......now how about reviewing the parking charges in Hospital grounds?

To Business! For those of you able to enjoy a fun-filled Fathers' Day, I salute you. To all Dads, I hope you have milked it as much as possible! I do believe Mothers get to much of the credit and I also believe that when it is Mothers' Day, they are actually not that bothered. Fathers Day, I feel, should be promoted a little more. Better gifts, like a harrier Jump Jet or Porsche 911, now that would be a start. Maybe even a 'Dads Only' room that will hold the users most valued possessions like Scalectrix, train set, computer game simulators and an Action Man fortress. I m positive I asked Santa for those items when I was younger and they never appeared......should have gone to Argos. Stupid Bugger!

Times are steady at the current moment. Warm temperatures and sunny days are keeping the flow of patrons at a constant tick-over. Although, around the corner, madness awaits. The Summer Holiday season is creeping closer and closer. Everytime those words are mentioned I cower beneath my stainless steel table, slowly rock back and forth muttering the phrase, "There's no place like home", over and over again to myself.

For all you civilians out there, especially school teachers, college lecturers and university professors, it is a time of fun and larks. Apart from those individuals in the Education Sector (who seem to stop work when they need another pay rise), it is an eight hour day within an air-conditioned office, a minimum of an hours' break and enough canteen-supplied cold drinks to quench the thirst of a third world country. What a hardship! I do you pity you all. It must be a terrible chore to move from your comfortable seat to even have to go to the bathroom. To even get to your mode of transport at the end of a tiresome day must be unbearable.

Every member of my Brigade understands that all personal activities cease to exsist around this time of the year. A member of Staff wants the day off to go to a family re-union......bring them to the restaurant for a meal and maybe I will let you out of the extreme heat and discomfort for five minutes. My Commis Chef wants a day to go shopping with his girlfriend.....Tough! In fact, unless you have a family bereavement or you have managed to die on the way to work, forget about any time off unless I am obliged, by employment law, to give it to you.

So far this year I have been absent from one 21st Birthday bash, three Family Birthdays, two Stag weekends, a Bamitzvah and numerous trips to parks, farms and general days out with my Wife and Daughter. I will also be missing, later this year, from two Christenings and another Stag weekend and that is only if nothing else crops up.

When you are chosen by this Industry, and it is the Industry that chooses you, it is almost like selling your soul to the great Chefs that have gone before you. It is ingrained in your progression through the ranks of the Kitchen. You will work as and when you are needed. No arguments, quibbles or huffs. This is now your primary objective. Work as hard as you can everyday until you retire. If you are lucky, you will find an employer who understands the need for personal time with family and friends. A need for interaction with 'the outside world'.

'Once in, never out' is only one of many phrases banded around the kitchens I have worked in. You can leave the Industry, but quite a few of us do not really have another road or path to follow. If the lucky ones do achieve another goal outside of the tiled and stainless steel walls of a kitchen, more often than not, it will be as a sales representative for one of the many corporate food distributor's or advisors for restaurant management companies.

There is a silver lining though. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The jobs I speak of are very rarely advertised and are usually acquired by knowing people already within these Industries. One such position is working for gigantic pub and restaurant companies as a Development Chef, doing the job you love to do, but with the hours of an office. You could go even better than that and work in the Private Sector. Private Hospitals, retirement homes and even the Prison service have great opportunities for Chefs of all ages and levels, but these jobs are so hard to come by that they seem to be riding on the wind of myth and legend!

So, as many of us do, I will carry on catering for the ladies who lunch, business types, hooded teenagers, drained parents with excitable children and wrinklies for a while longer. Ever searching for my pot of gold, waiting to catch my Leprechaun......

Au revoir mes puddings roly poly de camarade. Until next time......

Le Chef Grincheux

"Is It Really Worth It ?"

2008-06-08T23:20:00.005+01:00

Bonsoir mes lapins légèrement rôtis !

Let me start at the beginning as that is the best position, I believe, that will make the most sense. I am completely exhausted. Drained and depleted of all energy, enthusiasm and stimulus. Since returning from my Fathers' bedside, which resided in one of Glasgow's' finest hospitals, I have been working like a Trojan for seven days now. Twelve hours a day. Which, for all you non-mathematical people out there, equates to 84 hours of hard graft in the space of one week. Now that is not including time in my less than comfortable office preparing specials, rotas or placing orders with various suppliers.

Unfortunately, and with great reluctance, I must work tomorrow also. Finishing my total hours worked at a phenomenal 96 hours in eight days. Had I been pimping my skills at previous establishments, then that figure would have been greatly higher. Going back, say 5 years, that total would rise to approximately 108 hours (not including breakfast shifts!) possibly even more. Go back even further in my mediocre career and I don't think my calculator could handle the equation!

It raises many questions and I'm sure a minority of Chefs would agree that once a month or even just every now and again, we wonder to ourselves, "Is it really worth it?"

So, is it worth it? Well...... Yes and no. That may sound slightly ignorant as everyone has to work, except students, and everyone has too make a living (except students) and everyone......except students and those on the dole.....has to earn to survive! We all strive for the better things in life but do we actually get there? Do those material possessions make us who we are? Of course not. Time is precious to us all. Time with family and friends is paramount to our existence. Without it we would be lost. Time and money provides us with our extra curricular activities and yet I would not change my days off during the week for anything. They are sacred.

And so to my point as to why I would not give up my days off that are usually in the week. People! People is the sole reason I enjoy my weekdays off and the answer to the reason is that if you enjoy the privilege, and it is a privilege, of having the weekends to party with friends, hold barbeque's at your home, embark on mass shopping sprees and generally have great merriment on these days then you will notice one thing. Its damn busy! Queues upon queues. People falling over themselves for the latest bargain or sale, acquaintances descending on your home for a taste of your adequately cooked ribeye or T-bone with that nice Cajun spice you bought from Sainsburys and served with a mache salad. Even going to the local supermarket or shop to purchase your groceries becomes a survival of the fittest. It is like watching marauding hyenas devouring an antelope. A 'get out of my way' attitude that seems to have engulfed our society.

I can take my daughter out for the day and not have to push through large amounts of shoppers, chavs or old age pensioners to get to where I'm going. We can enjoy a delightful visit to a park without footballs being kicked in the general direction of the children's' play area or dogs running around you trying to nip at your heels or take a chunk from your quadriceps. There are no baseball capped braggarts yelling obscenities at each other or those annoying scooters buzzing around like demented wasps.

So, is the work worth it? This is where it can become a bit of a conundrum. I love what I do and on an exceptionally busy night, it can become almost euphoric. An adrenalin buzz that is very hard to describe. After a monumental night of catering for a large number of people you feel elated, proud of yourself and your crew and that kind of high is very difficult to come down from. It is also extremely hard to give it up. There is a flip side though, as there is with everything. The hours are long. Not as long as other types of jobs but long enough to cause chaos in your personal life. Missed Birthday parties, weddings, christenings and other events of this nature, that are usually reserved for the weekends, plague my past years.

Moaners and groaners calling in sick from some airborne disease. I even once had a young Commis call in sick as he had Glandular Fever. He is back in the next day looking and feeling fine. I have to admit, he wasn't the brightest when it came to skiving off work. These are the ones who will not last. They will give up. It's inevitable. They don't feel that accomplishment at the end of a busy weekend. More often than not, they were probably pulling a sickie and were out with their mates or watching the football at the pub.

When you are in your kitchen, nothing else really matters. It can't. you take your mind off the job and your eye from what you are doing and you could lose a finger, literally! Yet your life is full of all these missed appointments, barbeque's and parties that you wanted to go to, but couldn't find the time.

Finally, with out going into more detail about the pros and cons of the Industry......IS IT WORTH IT?

I don't know. I will have to think about it some more......

We are at the end my gently poached parrot fish. I bid you 'Adieu' once more and leave you with the news that the hospitality industry must stop ignoring front-of-house staff and start giving waiters as much credit as chefs. WHY???. Also, according to the fifth annual City & Guilds Happiness Index, Chefs' are some of the happiest employees in the country. The research shows that nearly half of the Chefs' interviewed put their happiness down to a better work / life balance. What a load of cobblers! Show me a Chef that is truly happy with his work/life balance and it will either be a catering student or a pub company cook. Finally, the UK has won the right to opt-out of the European Working Time Directive for the next eight years meaning that Hospitality employees can work More than 48 hours a week. Well thank you very much! I was getting a bit worried there. I thought to myself the other day, 'I am really not doing the amount of hours I should be. I hope we do not have to get in line with Europe and only work 48 hours a week, that would never do'.

On that bombshell, I will leave you with a new addition to my 'Beyond The Hotplate' Section. An amazing blog with some fantastic recipes and info on healthier eating, additives and preservatives, the list goes on. If you enjoy it that much, scroll to the bottom of Sher's blog and vote for her in the Blogger Choice Awards. Just click the link! I will update my other pages within the next few days, so keep checking back. Until next time......

Le Chef Grincheux

"I Would Walk 256 Miles"

2008-05-25T21:50:00.006+01:00

Bonsoir mes morelles magnificant!

As you may have noticed, I have been absent from the information super-highway for quite some time. Unfortunately a family member was taken seriously ill which catapulted me from my quiet, picturesque village in the heart of the English countryside to the west coast of Scotland and some of the best sunshine and light breezes I have seen this year......so far.

Although, this was no time for sight seeing, just before my sister and I returned from the Jewel of Ayrshire, we managed to reminisce about childhood days, favourite schools and the best place to get your "poke o' chips wi' sauce an' a bottle of Irn-bru"! We may have even argued on which gastronomical purveyor should hold the coveted 'Best Chippie in Troon (and surrounding areas').

For me, it was the Tudor Tearooms which used to be owned by good friends of the family and my mentor, Chef McKenzie (H.C.I.M.A Scholar and Chef De Cuisine). He is one of the few Chefs' I have known over the years that has given the majority of his life to an Industry designed to crush you from the inside as well as burn, slice, stab and cut you from the outside. He came out the other end and is now able to stick 2 fingers up at the culinary establishment and bellow the words, "I beat ya, ya B*****ds".

Chef McKenzie has had many achievements over the years; he was the inventor of Emergency Catering, holds the Scottish record for PC Solitaire (most games played) and also holds the highly regarded award for most Scotch Broth served to the over 60's.

Chef McKenzie's wife, Mrs McKenzie, is one of the most experienced, organised and proficient Front of House owner/managers' I have ever had the privilege and honour of working for. You cannot find anyone anywhere who is more than capable of planning and executing a function from as little as 7 to a massive 700. Ruthless and uncompromising in approach to staff, I have never seen so many whippersnappers get their comeuppance, including yours truly!

Now both retired, which I must say is well deserved, I felt obliged to enlighten you on two of the greatest unsung heroes of this flailing Industry. They remember the highs of the 70's, 80's and 90's. The good wholesome dishes, classics like Coq au Vin and late night prep sessions.

So to you both, from a very grateful person, Thank You!

There is nothing like a trip down 'Memory Lane' to clear the cobwebs and brighten the soul. Yet I feel grumpiness creeping back into the conversation. Something is niggling me, gently nibbling and gnawing away at my light hearted, dare I say, happy mood. It has been bubbling underneath the surface for some time now. Slowly simmering away like a poached egg, gently dancing around in its pan of exuberant water.

There is now a new way to ensure that you can charge your customers more for their meals by using the term 'sustainable source' on your menu. There has been a huge push from within the Industry and the likes of Caroline Bennet of the sushi chain Moshi Moshi has mentioned that the use of farmed fish isn't the way forward and that menus should change more frequently to help educate consumers. Apparently the Hospitality Industry needs to take more responsibility regarding this subject and that no-one should be able to hide behind the excuse of 'this is what the consumer wants'.

So lets get this into perspective. Certain individuals are of the opinion that the majority of consumers would like locally sourced, organic, humanely killed, free range, sustainable sourced produce? I think this list is getting way to long. In fact, it is becoming ridiculous to the point of insane.

I can tell you what the consumer wants......value for money. Meaning a nice place to eat with a good atmosphere, freshly prepared and nicely presented food and a quality service all at a reasonable price. It would be nice to have all those criteria met, every single one, but it is an impossible task. We may all want those things; protection of species, helping local businesses and less cruelty to animals, but are we ready to be able to pay for it because it will not come cheap.

A friend of the family recently went for a light lunch in a pub owned by one of the large corporations that litter our cities and towns throughout Britain. Not only did she enjoy her meal but it only cost £6.95 for TWO main courses. Now, all together, lets half that figure......that's right, £3.47! For those readers in the United States that is $6.80. For those readers in Canada that is $6.86. For those of you in Australia it is $7.16. Finally for those using the Euro it is 4.40EUR. My first question is "why so cheap?" and my second is "where has the produce come from?". So, for interests sake, how does that actually fair with your own countries' restaurants, bistros and bars? Is it cheap, expensive or completely ludicrous? Can you really guarantee that is fresh and not boil in the bag or microwaved? Please leave a comment and let me know.

On that note, I must away and prepare myself for another day of very little staff, vast amounts of consumers and a lot of mis en place (for those of you who struggle with French, go to Babelfish online and that will translate it for you).

A few questions needing answered this week, but very important ones I feel. Let me know your views and, as always, I look forward to reading your comments and points of view. I have also added a wonderful blog to my 'Beyond The Hotplate' called Slurp and Burp which will inspire and educate you on the path to greatness in all things culinary.

Before I go, I would like to thank everyone who knows my Father for their positive thoughts, good wishes and get well cards. It was a real eye-opener, a shock and extremely heart-warming and a big thank you goes to you all for your support at this difficult time. I hope to see you all again soon.

Until the next time my delightful Dairylea Dunkers......

Le Chef Grincheux

Has The Thrill Really Gone?

2008-05-21T10:29:00.005+01:00

Beau jour mes Cornichons Culinaires!

It is that time of the month again where I begin to become even more disillusioned with this trade. Is it possible to be grumpier than just plain grumpy?

Despite the slight drop in temperature across the country and the odd drop of the wet stuff, we are still surprisingly busy at the restaurant. A new menu seems to have produced a revival in the amount of clientele crossing our little threshold. The canal boat companies are beginning to rent more boats out to stag and hen parties, groups of middle-management on team building exercises and the annual subscribers to 'Saga' magazine and the Sun has been flourishing its warming rays on the general populous packing them with more energy than your average solar panel.

My main gripe, I suppose, is where were all these people a few months ago when the restaurants and hotels outside of the bustling cities and towns actually needed the support and patronism? I personally like nothing more than going out during the wintry showers to a pleasant and cosy eatery, ordering a delectable Agnelez le ragoût, les boulettes d'herbe et la purée de pommes de terre and washing it down with a robust and flavoursome Faustino Gran Reserva '81 Vintage. We have become slaves to the abundance of bistros, ready meals and gastro-pubs. Only eating out when life has dictated it. Sunshine and sombreros define our eating habits. Where has the thrill gone? I remember different times though......

Eating out used to be a delight. I looked forward to my day off where I could indulge my senses and treat them to an evening of fine food and choice wines, finishing the night off with a palette cleansing snifter and a chunky Henri Wintermans Cigar. Do not get me wrong, times have changed for me. I now have a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter which fill me with joy everyday. We still eat out, although not as often and it will usually consist of child-friendly pubs, homemade picnics and the inevitable trips to the odd fast food chain for a burger and fries. So when did dining out become such a minefield? Is it me that has moved on from experimenting with obscure combinations of flavours? Am I the one who is being left behind in the race to define Culinary perfection? What is perfection?

To me, perfection is French Cuisine. Traditional, homely and classical in its creation and more often than not, rich and bold in flavour and texture. This style of food has led the Industry to where it is now but I feel it has been forgotten and pushed aside. Nowadays it is expanded upon or broken down to its key elements and resurrected with complex titles or 'play on words' descriptions. Items such as Horseradish Snow, Virtual Ham and Popcorn Cloud intrigue and challenge the consumer to experiment with texture and enhanced flavours which, to a certain extent, is driving the Industry forward into the 22nd century, pushing the boundaries of the culinary institutions that once appeared old and haggard. Yet, should we forget our roots and carry on with Mussel Spheres and Boneless Chicken Feet? Or is it maybe time to roll back the clock, turn back time and visit the traditional world of perfection? Careme pushed the boundaries, as did Escoffier and Montagne. Although, they created the basis that is fundamental cookery. I believe it is about time someone stood up to be counted. Tell these experimental Chefs' that Egg Yolk Spheres and Basil Foam are going that little bit to far. In short, prices are to high and the food is to fiddly and elaborate. Bring back the fundamentals.

With all this healthy eating lark comes a price......Enjoyment! When we want to enjoy ourselves, we indulge our senses. Be it mentally, physically or gastronomically, that is what makes us human. For example, every Thursday, I make 2-3 special dishes for the board above the bar and I try to make sure that somewhere on that board is a dish of reputation. A warm and comforting dish that, even if it doesn't sell, will fill me with joy and excitement to make it. That is my one sanity within my week of work. That is my enjoyment. Everyone has a favourite dish. It may be something from your childhood or a dish you ate at your wedding, even a particular sweet that has disappeared from the shelves of your most visited sweet shop. The point is, that is your comfort food. Its personal to you and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Nitroglycerin, car-paint sprayers or olive oil spirals.

Let's get back to the basics! Let's rekindle our love and passion for what is not good for us and spoil ourselves once in a while. They say that you eat with your eyes......Well, I think its time we started to eat with our hearts and memories!

"Go on, try something gastronomically naughty today!"

Le Chef Grincheux

Local Produce For Local People!

2008-05-16T00:35:00.014+01:00

Bonjour mes Gastro Pamplemousses!

I must thank you for your patience. Due to the immense hours that I work, sleep is featuring very highly on my agenda at the moment and more importantly, so is the time with my family. As my Daughter's birthday has been such a monumental occasion, I have been venturing far and wide to animal farms, secluded seaside resorts, castle gardens and pits of multi-coloured balls to ensure her enjoyment and excitement have been at their peak!

Yet I cannot help seeing the newspapers, hearing the radio interviews or watching the television and so many incidents are sprouting from the four corners of the media that have passed me by. I have lapsed regarding the information required to maintain this style of blog. But......I'm Back! The only conundrum, is where to start?

Let us begin with the rollercoaster ride that is Chef Ramsay. I believe the man has lost his mind once and for all. In fact, I believe he resides in Cloud Cuckoo Land with all the culinary fairies and gastro goblins attending to his every whim! Ramsay has once again stepped on some very big toes. Chef Ramsay now feels it is time, just before the release of the new season of the F word, to enlighten the eager public with his general feelings on local, seasonal produce. Apparently, any Chef found using non-local and out of season produce should be fined for doing so. Surely Chef, you have that wrong? Flogging should be the punishment for such a depraved crime, dare I say dismemberment in extreme cases. I mean, how dare someone fancy a nibble on a strawberry during the winter season! A robust casserole of game and juniper should be frowned upon by all while the Sun hangs high above. The Chef disemboweled for such a travesty of justice!

Please do not misunderstand me. I would rather buy produce grown within the region I live and work in. There is nothing better for a Chef to stand proud and shouting loud that the majority of the produce on his/her menu is sourced locally, farmed locally and produced locally. Farmers Markets are increasing in number which is a fantastic thing. Consumers appear in droves just to snap up organic vegetables and free range eggs. Obscure cheeses are still a firm favourite, mouth-watering sorbets and ice creams, roasted suckling pig and real dairy butter will draw people from all over the countryside, chomping at the bit to buy this flavoursome and wholesome produce.

As always, there are three teeny weeny snags. Price, price and price! I have concluded, for example, that when you purchase a nice Cashel Blue cheese for your penultimate course on your menu, that it is not last years' wrapping paper it has come wrapped in but 24carat gold leaf! The succulent and juicy marmalade made buy the 'Auntie Maureen Marmalade Company' is in fact orange jelly crystals mixed with an inferior Asda marmalade, although the price seems to have tripled and I honestly cannot remember when Seville oranges grew natively within the British Isles!

It is all so damned expensive. Chef Ramsay, please understand that most restaurants and public houses cannot charge £150+ for a five course meal. We have to cater to the customers we have. They pay the bills and sometimes even the wages! To even use 50% of locally produced food on my menu would result in loss of trade and jobs.

So why is local produce so expensive? I have no idea! It costs less to ship in beef from abroad than it is to buy from 500 yards round the corner! It makes no sense. The Industry is set for a recession. There are no two ways about it. All produce has gone up a minimum of 7% and it is due to rise again. Transportation costs, animal feed and import tax are just a few of the issues we face at the moment. Add to that the increase in living expenses and the stagnant pool that is wages and you will see a very scary situation that appears to have no end.

So to put it all into a nutshell, buy local? YES! Take out a second mortgage on your home to pay for it? Ummmm......? Point made? I think so!

Let's move on , shall we, to the new Sainsburys advert featuring Jamie 'The Mockney' Oliver and his delightful wife. An exquisite and palatable pasta dish for a fiver. Okay, I will admit that it is possible to eat for a fiver at Sainsburys......but......thats another pasta dish! The first advert was for a pasta dish. Wait a minute, is Oliver trying to fatten us up so he can start another campaign on healthy eating? He is obviously missing the comfy sofa at No.10 Downing Street, but with that accent, what would he accept from the former, I mean current Prime Minister.

Now, I went to Aldi a couple of months ago as I had been volunteered to cook a one course dinner party for six. Something simple and classic, yet elegant in design and full of robust flavours. Coq-au-Vin! A classic in its own right and a beautiful dish to chew the fat over. The recipe I have is quite a few years old, about a hundred years old to be precise, and I went on my merry way to source my produce for the feast. To cut a long story very, very short, I found my ingredients, went to the till and packed my items to the best of my ability. The total cost of this peasants dish? £15.00. Now I do believe that if you were to break that down and divide it by the number of guests, it would appear that it cost £2.50 per person. So that would equate to £1.25 more, per person, than Sainsburys claims you can eat for. Okay, lets re-cap. Sainsburys/Oliver are promoting pasta with a stodgy sauce, cheese and vegetables. I am promoting a classic and traditional cuisine containing the main food groups and a good helping of self-indulgence into the bargain! Which would you prefer?

Finally we have a 'waiter-less' restaurant, German in design and absolutely pointless. Customers are given a chip and pin card which they swipe at both the bar and restaurant, choose their food which has been miraculously prepared in front of them and pay on their way out at the cashier point. The company, Vapiano, feel that Europe (especially Britain) will prove the hardest to break. Really Gentlemen, I wouldn't have guessed!

In Britain, we thrive on banter! The art of conversation with waiting and bar staff alike. Why not just resurrect HAL and be done with it. Soon we will all be using replicators while we watch re-runs of Star Trek and Deep Space Nine. Inserting Babel Fish into our ears to communicate with alien lifeforms before sticking a skewer up its arse and BBQ-ing it. When will this madness end?

On that very obscure note, I must bid you Adieu! My other pages will be updated as soon at it rains and I stop being inundated with customers. Until next time my croissants colorés......

Le Chef Grincheux

5 Loaves and 2 Fishes?......Kids Play!

2008-05-05T23:20:00.010+01:00

L'horreur... L'horreur! Quand finira-t-il?

What a fine Bank Holiday it has been. Heart-warming rays of sunshine, ducklings swimming in uniform lines with their mother while the culinary masters visualise their next 'confit de canard avec les pruneaux et l'armagnac'. Somewhere, in the distance, a lone starling twitters for its mate and the day has begun with such vigour.

Unfortunately, like the Trojan Horse of Troy, it holds a dark secret. A sinister undertone within its virtual belly. The secret lurks deep within its bowels, waiting and watching for the Sun's shimmering glow. Poised with anticipation and excitement. Eagerly waiting for the start of that day when people can go mad with gusto and enjoy that 'Holy Grail' that is a Bank Holiday Monday.

If you have ever witnessed a horror film full of carnivorous zombies clawing and chewing their way through a humans' digestive system, then you can picture my restaurant on a day that should be put aside for D.I.Y and barbeque's. Most of the nocturnal Egor's can resist the urge to venture out during daylight, but the ones who thrive on the thrill of eating out bombard the eateries of the UK for light lunches, high teas and full a la carte experiences. They decimate a plethora of creative courses meant for the discerning diner and drag it into an abyss of chips, baked beans and eggs over-easy.

They came in droves. Gnawing and chomping their way through steaks, battered cod and burgers, some even without cutlery! It made the apocalypse look like a day trip to Bangor. Every table strewn with food debris and crushed napkins, it looked like the end of the world was nigh and the Pont de Barre was the epicentre of it all.

With the aftermath came the 4 hours of wind-down time I needed before even contemplating sleep. Three hundred people on the Monday alone with a total of 600 served on the three days prior to that. When you dish up that many meals with little or no complaints, then you know you have done your job and done it bloody well. You feel on top of your game and quite rightly so.

So as I languish on a beach in North Wales with the sun beating down from on high, the icy waters lapping at my toes and seagulls dive bombing overhead, this weeks' rant will have to be postponed. Yes, that is right, you read correctly. It has been put on hold, saved for future posts and held back!

My apologies to all my avid readers but as it is also my daughters birthday today, the insane mutterings of the Grumpy Chef will just have to wait until next time. I'm sure within a few days, my insanity will be back to its' normal 'through the roof' levels and the painful throbbing in my head will return with great enthusiasm. Also, the others (Sebastian, Molly and The Evil One) will soon be back from their hols so I think my compact and bijou brain will begin to get quite crowded again. (But it won't be for long if Sebastian makes me wear that damn pink tank-top again. I just don't do glitter! It plays havoc with my complexion and as for Molly, well, once she starts to yap on, no-one else can get a word in edge ways)

As a parting gift though, I would like to give you a couple of tips regarding 'on the edge' Chefs'. If you ever see one, do not approach! Quietly send in a young child asking for some ice cream and watch the culinary nutter melt into sighs of 'Aw, how cute. Of course you can'. Or, a little easier I feel, offer him a brace of pheasant and a few bunny rabbits. Always does the trick!

Till next time my beloved Belgian Waffles......Have a fantastic week!

Le Chef Grincheux

Vice City

2008-04-30T23:35:00.003+01:00

Bonsoir mes omletes wonderous de baleine!

The Bank Holiday is looming over the horizon and the rooster is preparing his morning overture to awaken the masses, ushering in the weekend of fried foods, alcohol and an extra day off. I'm sure the rooster means well, but I will serve him up in my classic Coq au Vin recipe for my eager consumers. I'm sorry, I just cannot stand a pushy bird!

This coming weekend, for many kitchens, will be a bombardment of screaming children, adolescents in baseball caps and hoodies, middle-aged Peter Stringfellows' and blue rinse brigade o.a.p's, all foraging for their reformed chicken teddies, homemade beef burgers with relish on the side, burnt sirloin steaks with gravy and battered cod and chips. I have always wondered how I, personally, have managed the onslaught that is a Bank Holiday and now I have the answer. It is a variety of items you will use everyday yet as a Chef, I use to the point of overkill and mass indulgence.

First, we have coffee. For those of you who drink the delectable brown sludge, I would hope you would understand where I am coming from. The first cup of the morning is like a breath of fresh air, a rude awakening to the imminence of a busy, hard working day ahead. It 'sets us up' to be prepared for anything. Reviving our withered, exhausted bodies from a gentle slumber. As the first sip flows down the gullet it slowly rises to a crescendo of "Good morning world, here I am, give me your best shot!" After my tenth cup though, I am starting to wither. The buzz has gone. Even an extra hit of espresso in my standard Latte doesn't help. So its on to phase two.

Second, we have sugar. Most people will partake in a tub of Hagen Daz during a good film or that sneaky danish pastry while out shopping. For me, I don't think you can beat chocolate fudge cake. This is not just any fudge cake though, oh no, its also laced with two robust layers of dark fudge, rich chocolate icing and succulent chocolate fondant and the only way to make it even better is to drench it in in thick, luke warm custard and finally dust it with a blizzard of icing sugar. Over-indulgence never tasted so good. As you pour the custard on you can hear the cake soaking every last morsel up like a sponge. I then make another coffee.

Third, we have bread. Lightly toasted ciabatta, with a diced chicken mayonnaise, fresh roquette, sliced plum tomatoes and basil pesto. Sounds healthy, but certainly not in reality. Full-fat mayo, pesto and ciabatta. Full of extra virgin olive oil, enhancers and covered with lashings of butter. As I am sure you all know, any type of bread in vast quantities is bad for your waistline. If you have a jar of Hellmans in the fridge, look at the fat content and as for pesto, its mainly just oil! Omit the 'bad' stuff and it ain't going to be much fun, is it? After another coffee......

Last, and by no means least, I will treat myself to another derivative of the sugar family......Jellybeans. The Food of the Gods is among us and comes in the form of a bean. You can't just have one jellybean or even two, it has to be all or nothing! Each flavour opens a world of nostalgia to the consumer. Summer days of building 'dens', riding bikes through the local woods and football on the bright green common spring from every memory gland within the brain. A sugar rush of great magnitude pushes you further through your evening, egging you on into the final furlong of service.

As the evening draws to a close, your on your way down. Customers are making you irritable and grumpy. The food they have ordered won't cook with the speed you require. The end is in sight, the end of service is nigh......but wait...... some 'person' is looking at the menu! That can't be right? It's time for all Chefs' to be heading home to their comfortable beds. What do they think their doing? Ah, it's a booking for next week. Peace is restored and the clearing down can begin. All the stimulants have now left your system and your finishing your day with the inadequate waste products they have been enhanced with. Never mind, a Belgian Waffle with Banoffee Sauce has just been returned, topped with a Vanilla Bean Ice cream......Nice!

We all have vices or habits, it's human nature. Be it edible, drinkable, movable or touchable, we all have them. It gets us through our day to day existence and makes us happy. The items above are just a few of mine. Without them, I would cease to be me and that would make a pretty boring life. Tell me, what are yours? Please keep it clean, we Chefs' are very easily embarrassed.

Well, it is that time again. My comfortable bed beckons and tomorrow is my wife's birthday, so sleep is next on the agenda. My sister site, 'The Chefs Prayer' has been updated regarding the new seasonal produce and a new recipe as always. I have also added a new link to a site called 'The Brigade' that will be explaining the internal mechanics of kitchen personnel and their roles within the lunacy that is catering. So until next time.....

Au revoir ma lumière hearted des langoustines, soit heureuse!

'Television Killed The Chef De Cuisine'

2008-04-23T00:15:00.008+01:00

Bonsoir mes expressos excitables!

I hope you are all well this fine day. Here in Cheshire the Sun has graced us with its presence, eminating its delightful glow over the flowing waters of the Thropshire/Debenham Canal, brightening the flora and fauna of the gardens and promtly braising my herb patch as it had recently been doused with a gallon of Evian. I have decided that Chefs' are not green fingered. We relish the thought of having an abundance of freshly grown herbs and then the realisation hits us after killing numerous plants purchased from the Garden Centre. Also the fact that most kitchens will go through a colossal amount of the green stuff that within a day you have exhausted your supply and end up back at the Garden Centre searching for more!

What a fun filled week it has been. Vast amounts of blog-worthy news over the last seven days but, unfortunately, most of it has become dull, mediocre and lifeless. Another Chef is in trouble with the courts. This time Ramsay and the production company are being accused of staging certain events on the TV program 'Kitchen Nightmares US'. The 'Chef in shining armour' has found himself at the centre of a scandal that could cost him and his holdings company around $1 million to a disgruntled employee from a New York restaurant. Even if the case does go back to court, I am certainly positive that the egotistical and foul-mouthed Chef Ramsay would be able to withstand the loss of such a small amount of money from the vast fortune he has worked exceptionally hard for. With the upsurge of more and more reality shows appearing on TV, should we not be asking whether these programs are actually genuine or have they become staged and setup just to boost ratings for the TV and production companies that seem to have jumped on a bandwagon?

What will the next selection of hard-hitting, fly-on-the-wall documentaries be? How about Dishwashing Nightmares with Ainsley Harriot as he guides uneducated young adults with a brood of juvenile delinquents on the Top Ten Fairy Do's and Don'ts with a crash course in rattling pots and pans while wearing stupidly loud coloured shirts and grinning inanely. Or how about, Jamie's Guide to Rhyming Slang (or 'How to Insult Londoners and Patronise Your Viewers') - Jamie Oliver guides his viewers on the meaning of words such as 'Pukka', 'Blinding' and 'Tukka' while educating viewers on pronunciation, grammar and the promise of transforming into a complete 'Mockney Pukka' by the end of the season. Finally, Delia Cheats! Well no surprise here as Delia Smith manoeuvres her way through a selection of dishes and snacks while putting the new Norwich City manager through his paces where he makes her look even more sour-faced by saying "Its not the winning, Its the losing gracefully that counts". Actually, this is already on your current TV schedules, make a point of being out when its on. How many more cooking programmes and culinary reality shows can one nation take?

For a long time we have realised these type of shows have been increasing in number creating an epidemic of cooking disasters and culinary catastrophes. What the general public fail to realise is that many of these 'shows' are presented by trained Chefs, star trained Chefs and employ trained ex-Chefs to assist in the overall production of a majority of the programs on the TV. Christ, we even have numerous Food Network channels! Whole channels dedicated to shopping for food, equipment to help make food, making food and even selling food to other food-minded people.

I remember one instance on a popular cookery programme when two Chefs and two members of the general public, who claimed they could not cook, produce a mediocre piece of chicken with a sauce, potatoes and vegetables all the while trying to copy the same dish created by a Chef of some 25 years experience with his own restaurant and kitchens. Fantastic for the lovers of daytime telly until they get delusions of grandeur, try to replicate said dish at home for a select few of their closest friends and realise they should have ordered out to Dominoes instead of attempting to massacre a perfectly decent chicken and the rest of the collective ingredients. Trying to create these types of dishes at home is possible, I am not denying anyone that, but to get them to a standard worthy of a restaurant within an alloted timescale and for fifty people. Well that takes a trained individual. Even if the cook is trying to produce this exquisite masterpiece for only six people, it will become a nightmare within the first ten minutes of preparation. Or at least, when they realise they have either forgotten an ingredient, have set the oven to high, received an epiphany that they should have used Dolmio or purchased Jamie Oliver's 'Flavour Shaker' (I believe the correct term is 'Pestle and Mortar')to decimate the flavoursome and earthy herbs into a mushy substance which would probably taste better on your beef paste sandwiches.

Would I want to be on TV? NO! Would the majority of my colleagues in the Inustry want to be on TV? No! Would we be on TV if it was us that had been offered £50,000 a year, a mass marketing deal and as much Foie Gras and Black Truffles as our stomaches could handle? YES, of course we would, who wouldn't, but would we become that wrapped up in our own self-importance that the reasons we actually thrive on this job would evaporate just like an over-boiled pan of Conchigelle Fromage? I hope not.

My time is now at an end, my little madelines and I must bid you farewell once more. So, until next time......

Au revoir mes escargots furtifs

Meat And Two Veg

2008-04-13T20:40:00.005+01:00

Bonsoir mes embusqués de jammie!

T'is Spring once again.I'm sure you can tell by the blossoming flowers, screaming kids wearing hoodies on street corners at ten at night, playing with the latest Ping nine iron while drinking lashings of Buckfast wine and the fresh, sun-kissed mornings gently awakening us from our beds of slumber and tranquility before the torrential droplets of rain scour our curs'd land......'winds light to variable'.

During the last several months, certain "Celebrity" Chefs have been promoting produce using terms such as 'local', 'organic' and 'free range'. I have become quite perturbed about this since the beginning for a couple of reasons that may, or may not, hold any ground.

My first reason is the fact that if you buy any of the named products above you will find you can no longer afford to pay your utility bills, mortgage or home insurance. When promoting produce with this type of quality, better animal welfare and less damage to the environment it would make sense to me to make it affordable, yet it is not. For example, a breast of chicken ten years ago cost around £0.95 for about an 8-9oz portion (which is usually large enough for you to enjoy without gorging yourself). Nowadays, the same breast of chicken costs, in some places, almost double the amount if not more and this is where my gripe begins.

Have you eaten out recently? Either a secretarial lunch break, quiet dinner for two or a mad night out beckham-style? Have you noticed, usually through beer-goggled glasses, that the food prices have gone up ever so slightly? Even the Kebab houses are beginning to suss that the industry is slowly turning toward the French aioli rather than garlic mayonnaise just to be able to charge that little bit extra. Some of you may not have noticed a rise at all and this is because most restaurants still refuse to pass on the high costs we are now being forced to pay to the customer.

It goes something like this, the cost of feeding livestock has increased so much due to the weather in many parts of the world. Crops have been wiped out all around the globe and the farmers are starting to struggle. This is the beginning. As the farmers are not making as much money as they would desire (try selling a Land Rover or two to ease the pressure or sell some land to a group of developers, after all, we really need more housing!), they have put up their prices to abbatoirs and wholesalers. So, now we have to cost in the rise of petrol and diesel for transportation which will also push the price of logistics up, the rise of the national minimum wage looming on the horizon will be scaring most employers (unless their staff consists of non-EU nationals or the Polish) and finally the current ban of imported meats (yes, its the EU again) from countries such as Brazil, with Namibia and Argentina soon to follow.

People within the trade will see where this is going, though we must bear in mind that this is not a political blog, but an insight into an industry that is slowly deteriorating and becoming more and more difficult to prop up every year.

I now get to the crux of my rant. We are expected, as consumers, to look after the environment and ensure we buy produce that has been allowed to run free, has been massaged with essential oils, made to listen to Mozart and fed with the finest of beers and truffles. I agree, to a point. If this is the way the country is moving, why should the customer be forced to pay a vast amount of money for the produce that we are being coraled into buying. Environmental do-gooders and 'Celebrity' Chefs are not helping the situation. Not everyone can afford to pay the extortionate prices for free-range meat and organic vegetables and why should they, it should not be expensive. This type of produce should be made available to everyone, not just the select few in the upmarket counties who go on about saving the planet then pollute half the area with the CO2 from their 4x4's and gas guzzling sports coupe's. The same could apply to the 'local' farmers and food entrepeneurs. Why does a Chicken from France cost less than one from 5 miles down the road? It makes no sense.

Animals are not people! There, I said it. I can hear a few tuts and mumbles of "bad form, Chef, bad form". Yet it's true. Do you remember Planet of the Apes? Things have gone too far and I want to know where this is going to end? Soon, all the chickens in the country will be running around your back gardens, wearing iPods, listening to the Specials or Bad Manners, necking cans of Stella while chewing on Onion Bahjis and Puppodums. The cows will be even worse, hoodies, hats on sideways, spraying graffiti on the nearest train, then collapsing in a heap of drug-fuelled debauchery. I don't think we will even go near Pork as the price has risen dramatically, so the producers are obviously shoving pure cocaine up its arse to help raise the price and if thats not genetic enhancement, I don't know what is!

Salmon is another product that will be going up in price again, but for different reasons. Norway is the highest producer of cured salmon in the world and most of the salmon is bought from Scotland. So they buy the fish, cure it, then sell it back to us at a higher rate.

Where is the logic? There is none, it's all money and economical politics, yet it's the Chefs and owners that get stuck with the price increases forcing deals and promotions to get people into their restaurants thus creating a deficit within the trade and finally closing many establishments. Where to next? unemployment, lack of traditional skills as more and more restaurants turn to pre-packaged foods or the collapse of an Industry held dear to our hearts?

It is troubling times, my galloping gastros. I hope an answer comes over the horizon soon or many more will fall. Many pubs and restaurants will close and we will be forced to pay a small ransom to consume food in the eateries of the Mighty. Times are bleak, I'm sure you agree.

In the news this week......The Prince of Mockneys claims you can feed a family of four for five pounds when buying from Sainsburys, sound advice if you all eat pasta but a complete lie in this day and age considering one of your teenage children will probably be a vegan, the other will be gluten-free and lactose intolerant, Dad will have a nut allergy and Mum won't be eating anything as she will still be trying to get into those size 0 jeans she got for her birthday.

The cheeky chappette has also been named as the most iconic British Chef of all time, by Olive magazine, beating the likes of Delia Smith, Gordon Ramsay and Keith Floyd to the top of the proverbial Culinary Tree. It is so nice to see that people focus on the Chefs that have been in the press recently and not the ones that have actually contributed to the world of British Cuisine. Yes, I know, he has done wonders for the school canteens of this green and pleasant island, so much so, that now the children go out for their lunch of chips, beans and highly sugared snacks which is much safer and healthier for them (at least they are now exercising).

I fear I must bid you farewell once more. I will now leave the 'Celebrity' Chefs to live in their lands of edible rainbows, glistening elderflower brooks and bitter Belgian chocolate bridges and return to the reality that is life amongst the foot soldiers of the gastros and gourmets on the frontline. To the Chefs and cooks of yesteryear, I salute you all! Without you, we would still be eating suet pudding, spam and lard. Or at least still trying to sell it with a fancy name and even fancier price tag.

Welcome back grumpy chef groupies. Hope your holiday was all you hoped it would be.

Le Chef Grincheux

Cock -A-Doodle-Doo !!!

2008-04-08T01:15:00.003+01:00

Très bonjour à vous tout!

"Once more unto the breach, my friends, once more" The utterance of such a phrase instills excitement and elation to Chefs' before an evening of fast-paced dinner service brimming with explicit language, sweaty brows and Chefs' arse. For most, a packed restaurant equates to a twilight rush of adrenalin, an exertion of every muscle in the body which will eventually dissipate after a feeling of euphoric joy at the end of a successful and challenging sitting. The 'high' a Chef can feel after such a night cannot be replaced by drugs or alcohol. Nor can it be equalled or guessed by anyone outside of the clique that so many are honoured to be a part of. You have to look no further than a busy kitchen brigade to see the signs of team spirit and being 'one' with your colleagues and peers.

On a weekend after service, you will find the culinary brethren recovering from an evening of chaos and heat, strengthening their bond within the confines of local pubs and nightclubs in the area they work. Competitions of drinking and debauchery will usually feature high on the agenda. Forming alliances with other brigades from competing hotels and restaurants is rare but does go on and will sometimes manifest after large amounts of alcohol, as it is always good to have a contact here and there when you are ready to fly the roost of your current employer in search of promotion or a slightly easier existence due to age, lack of ability or sheer self-importance. The night will generally end in a cocktail of lager, alcopops and spirits, kebabs and verbal abuse of anyone near enough to hurl it at. At this point, weary Chefs' make there way home to their soft and comfy beds with only a few hours to go before the most dreaded shift of them all.....Breakfast!

My fond memories of this shift go back quite a way now. A Sunday night was always the night for our clique to head out under the cover of darkness to commit extreme alcohol abuse. It would usually start at Finlays, just across from the Odeon cinema in Ayr. I remember the pool table was an 'L' shape which didn't really help matters, even after the first few rounds. It was then we would move on, with our drunkeness starting from the feet up, to McArthurs (An American theme bar a short walk away). From there, inebriation moving up to the waist, we would pirouette round the corner to Toby Zaxxs and finally, our heads now beginning to swim with the infernal firewater, our destination was Club De Mar. One of only two nightclubs in the town, easiest to get into, get served and get soused. These memories patter around my cerebral cortex releasing endorphins that stimulate my senses to sights, sounds and smells of many nights from the past. Yet, these daydreams have only one ending, which is the inevitable nightmare that will always follow.

After waking to realise you have been in bed for about three hours and the rooster is still to crow the rise of the Sun, reality hits you square on the jaw and suddenly, a baseball bat appears from thin air and begins to beat you repeatedly on your noggin. A monotonous thump, thump, thump in your head reverberates throughout your body, pushing your eyes shut with every pounding moment. Its not a rival kitchen brigade enacting revenge for the potatoes stuffed up the exhaust pipes of their cars or the old fillets of Lemon Sole shoved under the bonnets onto the radiators. It is time for work and God forbid if you are late.

The brigade I was part of then was headed by Chef Watson. An enigmatic man of few words and a knowing smile, Chef Watson always worked a Monday breakfast to allow his crew to recuperate after a busy weekend and to sleep off their booze-filled bodies. All except his Commis, who would be rostered most weeks on this atrocious shift. The reason for this being the most hated of all shifts came down to just one thing, the smallest detail that was never mentioned at my interview. The cleaning of the fryers.

The kitchen had three sets of deep fat fryers divided into two sections making six wells needing to be cleaned after a full three days of battered and breaded fish, vast quantities of chips and numerous other products that had know begun to smell of Hell itself. Despite all your prep needing doing you also had to make sure the fryers were sparkling before lunch service. Although this sounds like a small feat, if you throw in three 15 hour days, toxic sludge lolling around in your stomach, three hours sleep the night before, a dodgy kebab and the baseball bat to the skull (now developing into a sledgehammer), it becomes more like trying to chop parsley with a teaspoon while wearing boxing gloves and riding on the back of a Shetland pony in the Sahara.

Although I felt hard done by at the time, I believe Chef Watson taught me many things from just that one, solitary job. You never forget your days as a Commis Chef because that is where you begin your journey. You never forget the practical jokes, exhaustion or the hard times you are put through. You do come out the other end if you stick with it and you become a better Chef for it. Eventually, you become Chef.

Old School training has long gone now. If half the moments in my career happened now, I think I would be a rather rich individual and be on first name terms with most Tribunal judges. Things are very different these days, no matter what you see on the television or read in the newspapers and magazines. There is so much political correctness in the world that it is now reflecting in the Industry I grew up in. Many a time I have wanted to clout the back of my Kitchen Porter's head for insolence or neglect of duty. It was part of my induction into the trade, it did me no harm and you always took it with a pinch of coarse rock salt and a dusting of paprika. To gain the respect of the other Chefs' you had to work your arse off and it came at a very high price. It was worth it and I wouldn't change a single day.

Dawn is slowly approaching now and my middle-aged body is crying for its bed. As always, it is a joy to see so many of you reading my posts, yet if you have left comments within the last five days or so, the blog server I use has had a few minor issues and those posts would not have appeared. Please feel free to re-post your comments as I always enjoy reading them and I do apologise for the incompetence of my Host.

My sister site, 'The Chefs' Prayer', has been updated for your reading enjoyment and I have also begun a reference site for people interested about when the Kitchen Industry came into its own as a recognised profession. It is under the Links section on the left sidebar titled, 'The 'True' Celebrity Chef'. Enjoy!

Until next time......

Au revoir du Chef Grincheux

The Forest of Culinary Delights

2008-03-31T22:40:00.004+01:00

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been...... Sorry, wrong window. New online confessional. Saves time and in the comfort of your own home, outstanding. Anyway, here we go again......

Bonsoir mes pâtés en croûte cornouaillais désireux!

What a wondrous week it has been. A valued member of my Kitchen staff has left for pastures new, a new member of Kitchen staff has arrived, but only for a month as she will be acquiring her own kitchen in approximately 4 weeks, and my kitchen porter forgot to put his timepiece forward on Sunday making him TWO hours late for work (Yes, it puzzled me too !). Also this week, I have noticed my 'groupies' have vanished! I am forlorn and pine for them with inconsolable tears......okay, that's long enough. As always, duty calls and i must now focus on one of the most infuriating topics that has surrounded the Industry since the beginning of time itself ......CUSTOMERS!

I realise that without the mass of clientele descending upon my restaurant, I would have little purpose upon this green and pleasant land. I imagine I would be working in Insurance or Greggs Bakery and that does not fill me with a great amount of joy! I love to cook, there is no doubt in my mind that being a Chef is an honor and a privilege that should be held close to the most hardened heart. A Chef strives for greatness, yearns for recognition and will push on through the River Styx if he feels it will move his career forward. In the life of a true Chef, they will forgo Family and Friends, endure long hours, very little in way of a salary and atrocious conditions to ensure their legacy will be remembered. So why do certain patrons feel they have the God given right to bamboozle waitresses, insult bar staff and turn an amiable Chef into a gargantuan minotaur which would send even Satan cowering behind the sorbet machine crying like a little girl!

Clicking fingers, whistling and general bad manners will not get you served any quicker. Neither will bellowing the bartenders name, obscene language or waving your money in the air like you are trying to attract a stripper in a seedy lap dancing club. There used to be an etiquette when waiting to be served. I believe its called 'waiting your turn'. A small populous in this country seem to feel that the universe revolves around them getting their Stella Artois and Tikka Masala before Armageddon arrives or a vogon constructor fleet eradicates earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass with the biggest inter-galactic Little Chef you've ever seen.

The 'Have It Your Way' society that was created and lovingly nurtured by a certain Fast Food Chain is starting to get out of control. Chefs' create dishes for a reason. Not only do they take into account the changing seasons but also the flavours of the ingredients they use, that is what makes the dish......FLAVOURS! Garnishing will usually come under this heading also. A good example to prove my point is quite simply Fish and Chips. A fresh chunk of Saltwater Cod dipped into a light batter, fried till golden in colour and served with hand-cut chips, gently seasoned garden peas and homemade Tartare Sauce (sounds like an advert for M&S). There is no mention of Tomato Ketchup, Baked Beans or Brown Sauce in the Escoffier. These offending items should be removed from circulation and thrown on large bonfires made from chip cartons and Ronald McDonalds' wig collection. (For those of you who are interested, the Escoffier is the Chefs' Bible and is available in most good bookshops or online priced around £15.00 including delivery. You won't be disappointed). Those flavours are meant to be together. That is the purpose of their existence. To add anything other than a good helping of roughly chopped parsley and a squeeze of lemon is sheer sacrilege and over-indulgence.

Another British abomination that should be eradicated from all menus in the UK is......The Mixed Grill! A large plate, usually oval in shape, with enough meat and fat to give even the healthiest diner an instant coronary. Why chomp, chew and coagulate all that meat together? I can guarantee that by the time you have yomped your way through even half of the humongous meal, you will have no idea which meat is which. In fact you could probably ingest the dish a lot quicker if I put it through a blender and served it up as a milkshake! It would still taste the same.

Next time you venture out for a well-earned meal, celebratory dinner or luncheon with the bridge club, think before you squeeze that ketchup bottle with the congealed lid. Spare a thought for that succulent piece of Salmon before it becomes smothered in an over-seasoned, heavy cream sauce. Ponder over your juicy Fillet Steak without reaching for the HP. In my world plain is not boring, its sensual and exciting. Its almost emotional. A world without condiments is a world full of flavours, eager to show how good things taste without so-called enhancements and mono-sodium glutamate. Simplicity is the key. Let it be your guide on your adventure through the Forest of Culinary Delights. If we carry on the forest will be burnt to a cinder. Charred and forgotten from neglect.

Which brings me to my final gripe of today. Many terms exist for this repulsive style of cooking. It eats away at the hearts of many Chefs' around the globe. We detest, despise and in no way condone this act of pure evil which has permeated the thoughts of the general public for centuries. To utter these words turns my stomach, is usually followed by heavy retching and sometimes even uncontrollable vomiting. I am talking, of course, about the black piece of cardboard that is......THE WELL DONE STEAK!

In the Beginning, God created Man, Woman, then a whole bunch of other stuff and eventually the Cow. A source of meat, milk, leather for posing pouches and hooves for gelatin. A black and white quadruped that would adorn vans, trucks, milk cartons and Chefs' trousers for years to come (I did not own a pair and anyone who says any different is talking UDDER nonsense......Sorry, couldn't help it). So for such a useful creature, a staple in most peoples' diet, we should really show a little more respect than cremating its succulent offerings, slapping it on a plate and dousing it in those hated condiments. Once a steak has been cooked past medium, it is ruined. All the flavour and moisture has been evaporated into the atmosphere, lost for good. There is no way anyone can tell a Chef that it tastes good, as there is no taste. It has become a tasteless mass of nothingness. I implore you from the depth of my heart and soul try your hardest not to utter such profanity to your waiter or waitress. Pluck up the courage to give medium a shot. You may like it and want to give medium-rare a go next time. If it isn't right for you, then Chef can always stamp on it and chuck it back under the grill for an hour. At least you will have tried and at the end of the day, that is all we Chefs' ask of you, our customers, just to try!

My time on this post has come to an end but soon I will return to enlighten and entertain you all. Until then I will leave you to explore the Forest, just don't get lost on the way and end up eating Scallops with an iPod in your ears playing sounds of the ocean. Thats not simplicity......its pure stupidity!

Yours Humbly

Le Chef Grincheux

Is The Pen Mightier Than The Sabatier......?

2008-03-26T17:56:00.003Z

Bon après-midi mon Escoffiers désireux.

For centuries, Chefs' have been concocting, inventing, creating and toiling over food. Developing dish after exquisite dish and even re-inventing timeless classics to move with society's ever-evolving quirks and quibbles. When a young naive boy begins his quest for the knowledge of the culinary ancestors, Careme, Larousse and Escoffier spring to mind, he begins a journey of learning and fulfilment. From the moment he steps out of the changing room looking like a badly dressed clown in over sized clogs and a skull cap, he feels complete. From the first cheese souffle that hasn't suffered brewers droop to his final Chateaubriand with Sauce Bernaise that could give the Roux Bothers a run for their money he will still remember how, when and who got him there. He will reminisce over the path he has walked as his mentally tortured brain and battered torso slowly work their way toward the Holy Grail......Retirement!

It's like an esoteric passion. It flows through the veins of most Chefs' I have had the pleasure of knowing, even working with, and even though this passion may be hidden to begin with it is drawn from your very soul to the surface by the colleagues and masters you learn from.

All of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, all your toil, training and tears have paid off. You rise like that first light and airy cheese souffle and you've cracked it, Head Chef! Now things are different. Now, you have reached your pinnacle. You can now spend time at home with family and friends knowing your kitchen will run with military precision. Your staff well trained, hand picked by you personally, will continue working to your style and consistancy. A well oiled machine roaring away to serve eager clientele. Unfortunately, this is where the dream begins to fade. Not so much fade as collapse, dare i say implode.

If this were 10 to 20 years ago, I would have stopped writing now. My story would be over, but it is just beginning. These days, Head Chefs' are no longer creating or developing dishes as much as you are led to believe. The real Chefs', the ones in hotels and restaurants, might be becoming a bit tetchy. The impression you may get from the television is of Celebrity Chefs' teaching the general public how to cook pasta or presenting T.V shows for the descerning house buyer. Meanwhile the real unsung heroes of this Industry are sitting at home or in their sub-level offices trying to write a report on why they do actually need a Kitchen Porter to wash dishes at the weekend. Why 4 Chefs' are better than 3 or trying to justify the reason why they are using Beef and not Quorn because the EU have decided to shut off imports from Brazil, which is the largest importer for Beef in the country, and in-turn has pushed the price of UK Beef up so much that fillet steak will soon become a thing of the past. It is a puzzlement that at the moment in the media we are being bombarded with words like 'free-range', 'organic' and 'local because, although it is grown in this country, it is more expensive than importing it from third world countries. How can that be? I can buy a lettuce from France and it will cost almost half the price of a British lettuce that came from 5 miles away!

Because of large companies, most high level Chefs' have become pencil pushers and now do very little cooking at all. Though it is possible that Chef is doing a large amount of cooking (lack of staff due to cutbacks), but still trying to get the masses of paperwork for numerous governing bodies finished so he might be able to have some family time on his day off! Let's put the cards on the table. I don't know of one Chef that moved into this Industry to sit behind a tiny desk in a small, cramped office while being pounded by the bosses for using one too many onions in the Ratatouille! Its crazy to think that it could happen, but its so very true.

Chefs' no longer have the freedom they used to. In my opinion, the media have a lot to answer for, as do the Celebrity Chefs'. The Catering Industry has changed and at the moment it has changed for the worst. Corporations and conglomerates own this game we call cooking. Money men with too much time playing golf than actually seeing what goes on within a working kitchen. Discussing how many movements a person has to make to chop a carrot or open a fridge door, is it feasible this way or that and why dont' we just buy the vegetables in prepared so we can sack another Commis, save a bit of cash and then we can all buy new BMWs'.

It is a war my friends and the battlelines will soon be drawn. Who knows who will win. I will be standing proud on the side of the Sabatier, where will you be?

Before I go though, something caught my eye in the news this week. Gordon Ramsay is set to open his first Culinary School in Surrey. Nice to see your keeping to your Scottish roots Gordon. As we all know, Surrey is the ideal place for a culinary school due to its need to get youngsters off the streets and into a promising career. Or could it be that it is due to the Range Rovers, million pound houses and the fact that he wouldn't have to face two of his biggest failures, Amaryllis at One Devonshire Gardens and Glasgow Rangers!

I am now off to wash my mouth out with carbolic soap so I bid a fond farewell to you all.

Au revoir et peut la force être avec vous

Under Construction......

2008-03-24T01:17:00.006Z

Buen día mis bollos pegajosos!

Snow, Snow everywhere......but not enough to throw a snowball at the MET office! I hope you are all fine and keeping toasty with lashings of whiskey, hot chocolate and deep fried icecream (yes, it is possible!). Despite the constant warnings of a freak and potentially life threatening snow storm in Cheshire reverberating around my kitchen from the transistor radio today (stereo or hi-fi for all you younger ones out there), the smattering of white particles that drifted from the sky earlier could only have been described as "God brushing the dandruff from his brand new Lyle and Scott argyle sweater before taking in a round with Jack Frost and the Loch Ness Monster". In many other parts of the country, quite possibly your hometown, vast amounts of snow have been tumbling from the sky knocking out motorways, railways and also grounding a large amount of air traffic. Although the Weathermen do seem to get it right 99.9% of the time, they obviously have a satellite that misses Cheshire out and have to guess roughly what the weather will be. I must say though, I now have a great tan as no one came into the restaurant today, they were told to stay home because of the snow!

Yet, I am now digressing from the purpose of this post. As you may well have guessed, there appear to be a few changes on the site and I am urging you all not to panic, stock up on provisions, do not venture outside (unless you have run out of Martini Bianco and Glace Cherries) and keep wrapped up nice and warm. Please bare with me as I am working (mainly at night/early hours of the morning) on a different layout and style for the blog, making it more pleasing to the eye, more accessible and easier to use for the over 60s (you know who you are!).

I thank you in advance for your patience and promise it will not be too long before I am delving into the catering underworld again. Meanwhile, remember to visit my sister site, The Chefs Prayer, new recipe within the next few days, April will soon be upon us so keep your eyes peeled on the 'In Season' section and keep checking back here for visual and written updates.

Adiós mis popsicles queridos.

Culinary Artistry?

2008-03-17T16:05:00.005Z

Guter Tag meine kleinen Würste. Another day is upon us (quite inevitable really) and here, within the Cheshire countryside, life moves at its usual pace. The hoi polloi are journeying homeward from the cities and towns, motoring along the highways and by-ways in their 4x4 tractors and plush sports cars. Cruising to the latest Pop Idol/X Factor clap-trap at an annoyingly loud volume, oozing from the inadequate speakers on their factory fitted, high-fidelity sound systems. Meanwhile, the industrial kitchens prepare for the onslaught.

Cooker ranges, char-grills, deep-fat fryers and heavy duty ovens are fired up while Chefs' don their pristine white jackets, checked trousers and toques blanche. The resonance of stainless steel against diamante encrusted metal as knives are sharpened to a keen edge ensuring that any slip in the wrong direction, during the preparation of produce, will result in an accidental cut not being felt by the user. Food stuffs are being prepared with care and respect. Table surfaces are polished to a glistening sheen, Kitchen Porters stack plates in hot cupboards, sweep the floors and dispose of lunchtime rubbish bags into gigantic waste bins outside. The atmosphere and tension will begin to mount soon as the patrons begin to arrive in their droves, preparing for a night of culinary artistry and excellence. Before long, the Dance of the Morons will begin, a crescendo of "Check On" and "Table Clear" will echo amid the white tiled walls of the kitchen, hackles will rise and the minions will shudder with petrification as the Chef begins his tirade of language and verbal abuse, everything coming together in perfect synchronisation......organised chaos......a tense, exquisite harmony.

Its a wonderful thing, almost beautifully idyllic, when a busy service begins. So much happening and going on throughout the whole restaurant, front of house and also back in the depths of the kitchens. So much excitement, you can feel exhilarated, so much adrenaline pumping through your veins, pushing yourself harder and faster to keep up with the demand from the customers.

So why is it, that some over eager, experimental American artist, is putting on a piece of "modern art" at the Tate Modern, titled 'Making A Salad', and expecting to gain notoriety from such a piece of excrement? I thought Tracy Emin was bad for just being a manky cow, not tidying her bedroom, then cutting it out of her house and entering the pointless piece in for the Turner Prize. Its a load of cobblers! I believe its along the lines of giving the Nobel Prize to Ronald McDonald for creating the McRib, giving Colonel Sanders the Humanitarian award and informing the Wimpy chain that they will be awarded a Michelin Star for their restaurants because they use a seeded bun as opposed to the non-seeded bun of the other, more popular groups.

The event curator, Kathy Noble commented "It's a participatory event in every sense. The work of the chefs, the observation of the audience and then their chance to eat what they have seen put together." Well, that still sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me. In fact I think its preposterous that an over-rated 1960's feminist (who probably hasn't seen a razor or bar of soap in years) has the audacity to go and produce such nonsense with no apparent reason other than to feed 300 or so snotty art school students, lecturers and gormless passers-by.

Myself and possibly a few Chefs' reading this might well agree, that they have already achieved such a feat. Possibly even catering for more than 300 people at one time, and certainly more than just a basic salad. Yet, I have a phenomenal idea.

My brainwave is this; petition the Tate Modern and the artist herself, state that until she can do a 5 course meal, for approximately 500 people, in a marquee, in a field with only 1 gas stand-pipe, a 4 ring stove and a portable baking oven, minimal staff as the others have called in sick due to "a dodgy kebab" and the possibility of torrential rain and gale force winds, only then should she be able to get on her high horse and start mouthing off about a bloody salad!

On that rather abrupt, finishing note I am off now to contemplate the upcoming weekend. As I'm sure you are all aware, it is Easter time once again. A weekend where the whole nation collects their thoughts and emotions and heads off to Church to begin this religious weekend as good neighbours, as a community, as a whole......hang on, that's Italy. The majority of Brits' will see this weekend as they always do, an extra 2 days off work for no reason whatsoever, a time to drink copious amounts of alcohol, eat there own weight in junk food and possibly, if they have enough time left, mow the lawn on Monday before they must return to the hum-drum of modern life. We, my elated eggplants, will be on the Front Line, meat forks and carving knives at the ready, praying for its end. We are the forgotten Culinary Soldiers, a myth in peoples minds, because, who in their right mind would work a Bank Holiday weekend?
Gute Nacht und gutes Glück.

Downfall Of An Industry

2008-03-11T11:17:00.000Z

Greetings my culinary Van goghs'. As you can see, the Blog is starting to take shape and a few small changes have been tried and tested for your reading and listening pleasure. I fear I must apologise for the lack of posts recently, what with Mothering Sunday and an unexpected week off it has put me behind my ever-expanding schedule causing a ripple effect. ( It has transpired that there are only 24 hours in a day, which I have come to the conclusion is not enough for a Chef on the brink of exhaustion, manic depression and complete mental collapse.) I'm sure some of you will agree with myself and understand that the chavs of this world search for the mystical concept of pure enlightenment; meaning sitting on your arse being an out-of-work, benefit grabbing scrounger who has spent too much time on games consoles rather than looking for the prospect of a JOB and self fulfilment! My yearning in life is to learn their unique ways and follow in the footsteps of some of the greatest and most infamous chavs, layabouts and skivvers; Mike Skinner, Tracey Emin and Goldie Lookin' Chain of course, this is after I have delved into the current world of idiocy, lunacy and mashup that is cooking!

On that bombshell I give you this months rant. Students! In fact even worse, Catering College Students. Wannabe Ramsay's and Oliver's with no sense of direction, style or purpose. The ever expanding universe that is food has become flooded with jumped up, ignorant oinks taking an industry of purity and finesse, stuffing it with foie gras, wrapping with chorizo and pomegranete seeds, then deep frying it in extortionatley expensive extra virgin olive oil. Serving the resulting over flavoured swamp turd on a bed of grated carrot, celeriac and pilchards, drizzled with a sauce of pressed oysters and sweet basil and finishing with a sprinkle of brickdust!

Why has food become so complicated? Why do Chefs' feel the urge to cram as many flavours as possible into a single, extravagant dish give it a fancy name and sell it at such an exorbitant price so only the Bill Gates and A.A. Gills' of this world will ever taste such a monstrosity? I know not, my fellow Kumquats. The upcoming culinary geniuses these days are ruining the classics which we hold dear to our hearts. People seem to have forgotten the roots and heritage of a dying industry, the traditional and classical dishes from which rudamentary cooking is based upon. Nitro-Scrambled Egg and Bacon Ice cream is not the colourful masterpiece it claims to be, nor is Carpaccio of Cauliflower (Raw) and Chocolate Jelly and you wonder why when you go out to eat you need a second mortgage on your home and have to dip into the trust fund you have set up for your childs' university education?

What has happened to pitch perfect Coq-au-Vin, Stew and Dumplings, Handmade Irish Soda Bread and Rich Arran Cheese? Foods and dishes from all over the British Isles and Europe, recipes being handed down from generation to generation, the pursuit of acquiring the most natural produce to create a classic and not something that looks like it should be hung in the The Tate Modern. All this airy-fairy nonsense is killing what was once a lucrative and exciting industry. Not only is this new age food causing us problems as consumers, the government, economic climate and rising prices of essential produce are contributing more so than you think.

Soon you won't be able to eat out unless the restaurant has checked your bank balance and off-shore accounts for accessible funds. It will cost a small fortune to drive anywhere or get a cab so I now urge you to think about your actions when you pick up the telephone and ring your favourite restaurant to book your usual table on Sunday for your family. I implore you to STOP, THINK and CHANGE YOUR MIND! Try this suggestion instead, cook for yourselves. Make it a family affair, have fun creating something that the whole family will enjoy. Stop these kitchen oddities from becoming reality by relishing in spending time with your family at home, it really is enlightening and if you dont get on with your family......go to McDonalds (Its cheaper).

On that explosive, monumental comment that will most likley see me out of work within the next few days I would like to bid you farewell. Although, before I go back to the white-tiled walls of my hot, sweaty prison I would like to unveil the start of a new project for all you culinary types. A new web page has appeared on the world wide web which I thought would be of interest to some and the mind-numbing death of others. "The Chefs' Prayer - A Tranquil Haven For Culinary Outcasts" will be online, hopefully in the very near future, with a collection of recipes, catering news and monthly produce reports. I have placed a Link for your convenience under the heading "Links" on the sidebar of this page.

Adeiu my little Loganberries, Bon Nuit!

The Chefs' Prayer

2008-02-22T22:29:00.000Z

Salutations to you all. The Grumpy Chef has returned for more waxing lyrical on the adventures of the everyday Chef in a world full of idiots, morons and halfwits alike.

The cretins of Summers' past are beginning to rear their ugly heads again as temperatures are starting to rise once more and the Sun is holding his head higher, for longer, as the days go on.

Spring is appearing on the horizon, my eager aubergines, teenagers, families and the over 60's are stirring beneath their hibernation cocoons, their noses twitching, slowly and purposefully sniffing the air for the beginning of the saving season. Life for them has, once again, got a purpose. "2 for 1", All Mains Half Price", and All Starters 99p" will soon be creeping on to billboards, appearing in local newspapers and radiating through your car radios, subconsciously permeating your brain with the prospect of something wonderful for very little of your hard earned coinage.

It will soon be the season of " THE DEAL ". This time of year scares me. I think it scares alot of gourmets, having to invent wondrous dishes from left over items that were frozen at Christmas. Produce that was sent by mistake from over eager suppliers or sub-level pickers within the Argos style warehouses will need to be defrosted, checked for freezer burn and used at a very rapid rate before environmental health can get wind of the impending danger to the unsuspecting public and their quest for the ultimate high......Extreme Eating!

We all know never to eat fresh fish and crustaceans until Tuesday for two reasons, the produce bought by the chef on the Friday is now going to be 3 days old at the least ( and he will be wanting to get rid of it ), and on Monday, the Sellers will be getting shot of the produce that didn't sell at the weekend. ( If you didn't know this, and you like fish, I'm surprised your still alive and breathing ! ).

So why, when we see "All-U-Can-Eat", "BOGOF" or "Salmonella with a side of Botulism" in the newspapers, outside restaurants or on the radio, do we jump right in with both feet and call everyone we know to inform them of this stupendous offer? Is it to make sure that the NHS has something to do this weekend during their quieter periods? Is it because we are scrimping and saving for that " Once in a Lifetime " holiday to see the currently warring Nations outside of Europe? ( Kevlar jacket and helmet extra, bus tours available when booking with your travel agent only ). Is it because we like the thrill of feeling we have just got something for nothing? ( Well you could quite possibly get something for nothing, firing from both ends at full tilt! )

Unfortunately, I have no answer for this. Perhaps its in our genetic make-up. Maybe someone will come up with the answer while reading Heat magazine in their hospital bed, with a pan under their arse and one over their head. On that most charming and graphic note, I will leave you with this ditty I found sometime ago. This is for all my fellow Chefs' who have searched for a calming, serene way of starting their services, day or night. A certain shanty of the highest order, a psalm of tranquility, an anthem of light hearted forgiveness before the onslaught of the penny pincher's and the dance of the morons begins. I give you......

The Chefs' Prayer

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the arse I might have to kiss tomorrow
Help me to give 100% at work,
5% on Monday
8% on Tuesday
12% on Wednesday
15% on Thursday
25% on Friday
35% on Saturday
25% on Sunday

And help me to remember, when I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown,
But only 4 to extend my middle finger and to tell them to shove it!

I would like to thank Swedish Chef Dave of Costa Rica for this wonderful piece of work. A genius in the making, but then again, aren't we all?

Adieu my fellow Foodies, Cookies and Microwave Technicians. Until the next time, take care of yourself.....and screw everyone else!

Xmas Is Here

2008-02-11T10:02:00.000Z

Salutations my devout followers. It is time once again to read about the exploits of the Pont de Barre Public House, as I, The Grumpy Chef, embark on my next monumental berating of everyting catering based ( from abelone to zucchini and everything in between ).

Its been quiet, too quiet in fact and I know why its been quiet........Christmas is on its way. I shit you not, its coming and now it is only 317 days 19 hours and 42 minutes until its time for the festivities to begin again. So every annoying, loud and overzealous office, factory, school and emergency service home base is saving like a bastard ready for their next night of Xmas debauchery and depravity. Where things that were once unimaginable and sometimes inconceivible now seem to be acceptable as long as you have drunk such copious amounts of alcohol that you end up praying to the porcelain gods with an offering of half digested Oysters Rockefeller, Beef Bourguignon and Plum Pudding ( Hopefully remembering that holly actually isnt edible ). Remember, groping the bosses' wife isnt just for Christmas, but for life! A life of photocopying, teaboy/girl duties and answering the phones. Sending facimilies of your posterior is not advisable either at Xmas parties, especially with the added worry of camera phones and the internet. In fact the latter 2 items should be cause enough to make every Works Doo as sober as Cliff Richard at a Salvation Army Dinner Dance ( Maybe a bit unfair there, we all remember Wired For Sound, what a track. God Bless Ya, Sir Cliff )

Best of all, is when these obscure, sometimes semi-skilled/educated and unintelligible rapscallions descend on unsuspecting restaurants and hotels for their 3 course meals ( including a glass of wine of course ), free party hats and Brakes Bros Christmas Crackers. For less than a tenner, they can cause more mayhem and destruction than the Chelsea Headhunter Hooligans at a derby match or the Billy squaring up to the Tim at an Old Firm game in Glasgow.

You see this is where I think Footie Hooligans have got it wrong. Why spend exuberant wads of cash on season tickets, public transport, and lashings of White Lightening cider or Special Brew when all you need to do is wait till Christmas! The company pays for the mini bus, half the food and usually a free bar long enough for half the staff to get reasonably soused before someone realises that they nicked the extra "free drink" tickets two hours ago and have been giving them out randomly without any thought for the situation they are about to cause........the banning of their company ( in fact any company ) from ever being allowed back into this paticular hotel/restaurant, you can usually guarantee at least one cat fight and a couple of push me - pull you goings on between a few of the shop floor lads ( maybe even a scuffle amongst the IT Department due to the fact half the system crashed and now they are blaming each others porn downloads for creating the problem! ( When we all know that it is really just that Windows is just damn unstable.........Burn in HELL, Mr Gates! ).

As Chefs, we dont really see all this, and I'm glad we dont. We don't have the patience or restraint to deal with these.........people. We would wade in with arms flailing, brandishing meat forks and soup ladels ( which can really hurt if you get the correct point on someones noggin ). That is why we are Chefs. Most members of kitchen pirate crews have worked front of house, now that may surprise you, but, that is why they now work the kitchens. Customers dont like being shouted at by the person that has just brought their lunch. They dont like having a fork shoved up their nostrils because they dont like dressing on salad. I had a customer who had a Club Sandwich yesterday, it was made to perfection by my Commis, presented beautifully and when it went out the kitchen door.....it came straight back in within seconds because the customer had forgotten that she was allergic to butter and wanted to know if there was any on the dish she had already ordered!

Another Guest yesterday asked for a gammon steak. When asked 'Would you like an egg or pineapple with that, Sir?' he replied, 'What's an egg?'.??????????? Then he actually enquired, 'I didnt know you used eggs here'. They really do walk amongst us. In both cases, comments that would have cost them dearly had I been working on the other side of my steel reinforced swing door ( with double bolt locks and bulletproof glass ).

You Think You Got What It Takes?

2008-02-02T22:59:00.000Z

You need to have a sense of taste and smell to be a chef......an ego the size of your average watermelon ( American industry standard that is, as your average British watermelon is the size of Texan grapefruit, partially due to the lack of potentially harmful genetic chemicals we have stopped using since they badly maimed a gnat in 1988 and caused the extinction of a whole generation of ameboas in 2002)......and finally, you need to be able to SHOUT!

Not just any shouting, but real, graphic (usually sexual in content and aimed at another chef......possibly commenting on his sexual preferences or ability to shove large vegetables into numerous orifices or the fact he is so far deep in the shit because of his lack of preparation it will take a miracle to get himself out of it). Of course, this has to be heard not only by your kitchen staff and front of house morons, but also by all paying customers on the premises.

Do you really think you need all the above to succeed as a future Heston Blumenthal or Raymond Blanc? The answer is no! So really the sense of smell, aquired tastes of fine foods, the ego and quite almost everything (even the shouting) is all a load of bollocks? Yes, because for the average, everyday, mediocre chef (like myself) it can all be learnt, taught, read or even bought. It helps if you want to be a chef as, believe me, you will find that it takes over your whole exsistence as you strive to get better, work longer hours and push yourself harder to learn more as it consumes your whole life.

And this is just the beginning......