Friday, 23 December 2011

Guest Chef Blogger - Evadeth Fech

Même mes légumes scrumptious et exquis de bébé !

Its almost been a year since my last posting...Bad Form Chef! Never mind! You have all seemed to manage without me quite well and that's a good thing.

At the current moment, writing has taken a back seat and the kitchen is forefront, especially at this time of year, yet I recently asked a fellow Chef within the Culinary Brethren if he would mind me posting an email he sent me...kind of a guest blog thing...He agreed, much to my delight!

So without further bollocks from me, until my usual round-up at the end, I have great pleasure to introduce my first guest Chef blogger....

Chef Evadeth Fech and his title piece, 'Can You Pass The Vaseline?'

For those who don't work in the industry there are several references in this song which I will endeavour to explain. I will also need to set the scene for full comprehension and understanding of the lyrics....

The day was black Friday...the busiest day of the chefs calender year

The scene was a busy city centre restaurant experiencing a good old fashioned roasting ( fisting or arse raping as we call it in the trade, which should explain the references to vaseline)

The composers were several chefs working the line fuelled on far too many cans of a certain well known red canned cola drink, doughnuts, sugared jelly sweets and a continual loop of traditional Christmas songs!

The catalysts were customers, who throughout the festive period, had constantly picked apart the carefully prepared festive menu and decided that their own menu based on their intolerances, preferences and their 'superior culinary knowledge' would be better suited. So, on the busiest day of the year (at one point we had 52 people waiting to order known as "52 open") the kitchen was receiving orders (checks) for dishes and side orders that were not only unavailable on the festive menu but some were not even on the regular a la carte menu and would need preparing on the spot! (Sauteed new potatoes carrots and parsnips and fries being the pick of the bunch!) Which to a lesser team may have put them in the weeds! However....

When this tune came on, the caffeine and sugar fuelled chefs penned the unforgettable chorus, quickly got on with the task in hand and the rest fell into place quickly after. If this Christmas ditty serves nothing else but to raise a smile amongst my fellow chefs then It will have served its original purpose.

This is not the original version as certain lines were more specific to this particular establishment and would not have made sense to Joe public.. I hope you enjoy it..

To the tune of 'Stop the Cavalry' by Jona Lewie

Hey Mr Public, please stop the orders,
We can't really take it anymore,

Hey Mr customer, your checks hurt our arses,
Our ring pieces are mighty sore!

Oh I say its tough,
We have had enough!
Can you pass the vaseline

Christmas and a la carte, really ain't so bad,
But your 'special' dishes make us sad,
Plus your criticism, makes us all sad,
And where the f***s this vaseline?!

Sauteed potatoes? Make them quick!
Your dietary requirements make us sick!
Stick to the menu there's plenty to pick!
I'm all out of vaseline!

We are getting bum-bummed
We are getting bummed
Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed

We are getting bum-bummed
We are getting bummed
Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed!

Wish you'd stayed at home,
This Christmas

(M-y ar-se hurts, m-y ar-se hurts
My arse hurts m-y ar-se hurts)

Hey Mr Customer, please stop these orders,
We can't really take it anymore,
'Fifty two open' but you don't really care
"Just make sure my steak is medium rare!"
"Carrots and parsnips and fries for us to share"
Who's used all the vaseline?

We are getting bum-bummed,
We are getting bummed,
Bum b bum bum bum b bum
We are getting bummed

We are getting bum-bummed 
We are getting bummed
Bum b bum bum bum b bum,
We are getting bummed

Sauteed potatoes? Make them quick!
Your 'dietary intolerances' make US sick!
Stick to the menu awkward prick!
Someone buy some vaseline!!!

Wish you'd stayed at home for Christmas

(M-y ar-se hurts m-y ar-se hurts,
My arse hurts m-y ar--r-r-se hurts)

Written by Chef Evadeth Fech and the Chargrill Warblers

Copyright 2011-2012

Right you lot...I'm back for my round-up as always and can't stop laughing! Anyone reading this will now hear the original in the car, on the radio at work or sitting round the dinner table with your friends and family and all you will be able to think of is singing the chorus at full vocal volume...just for shits and giggles!

Bloody amazing Chef Evadeth Fech and thank you for being my first Guest Chef Blogger! Wishing You and your Team all the best and good vibes on Sunday!

So, now for the news....

Yeah, I'm a Chef! This time of year I couldn't give a proverbial if 'Mockney' has created a new piece of plastic that crushes bones to create a marrow powder or if 'Ramsay' has moved on from botox to using the latest Heston creation as a face cream! It's sodding Xmas and I can't be arsed...I'm too busy dealing with the general public and their inane requests! News will return in the new year!

A couple of things to look out for though...

New to the 'Beyond The Hotplate' section is Student Cooking whom I recently wrote a Guest Blog for and by clicking this LINK will send you straight there to visit them! A great site to peruse and these guys and girls should be commended for their ingenuity and dedication to getting the new generation to cook...especially on such a low budget! Well done !

Secondly is Lee Cooper Photography in the 'Beyond The Kitchen' section! An amazing photographer and Chef with food on his mind 99% of the day (the other 1% is when he is sleeping!) Go check out his site by following the link!

Thirdly...a new Chef Profile is due...Eyes open and RSS feed on full alert for the one and only Ops Head Chef Dave J Critchley from The Noble House!

So on that note its time for me to go...

Until then have a great Xmas and New Year and to all Chefs in the UK and across the Globe...stay strong, stay true...and if that fails...tell them to DO ONE!

Au revoir mes amis!

Le Chef Grincheux